musings... passion for God or His gifts??

I think that God brings "opportunities" into our lives to see where our idols are ... to see where our heart lies and where we deceive ourselves ... to lovingly guide us to areas where He's not enough so that we can fight sin more effectively ... so that we will once again realize our utter depenence on Him and His strength not our own ability (or inability) to "figure it out." Sometimes this experience is comical ... sometimes painful ... sometimes just plain confusing. At times like this, when it comes for us to choose once again who we will serve, I am grateful that He loves. I'm grateful for his patience with me - a dull, lifeless disciple that looks merely for signs. ... and then misinterprets the "signs" I receive. Right now I feel stuck in "confusing" - not frustrated (angry) or overwhelmed, simply stuck feeling blind.

Do I pursue my hearts desire and seek this job in Germany knowing this is a "once-in-a-lifetime" chance, or do I listen to my head that's telling me to stay here as a part of my local body - serving in secret, patiently waiting on Him? Is there a "best of both worlds" option? Is this His provision or merely a test of my heart? I really don't know. Perhaps the fact that I feel torn and no rest should be a clue. God has called us to rest in Him and right now my soul is not at rest. Oh, Father, please help me to repent of my self-sufficiency and trying to "figure it out" on my own. You know the paths for me. You make the darkness before me into light. Help me to rely on you. Teach me to trust in your hand guiding me. I'm like a blind man groping in the dark trying to find my way. Yet you see all. You know the paths I'm to take. You know my heart and my desires. What if the reason you gave me this talent is so that I can choose instead to trust in you and not my own strength? What if the goal is that you want to prove that you're more satisfying than my abilities? God, make me willing to walk away from it for you. Forgive me for boasting in my gifts more than you - the One who granted me all things. Help me surrender all to you - not just the "easy" things but also the things that hurt. This one hurts.

God, why is it so easy to be passionate about something like foreign languages, culture and politics but it is such a struggle to be passionate about the person and work of my Savior Jesus Christ??? Oh God, my views are so messed up. My priorities are so skewed. Show me You once again. Be my all in all. If you took away my ability to speak languages and understand cultures, etc would I be passionate for you? If you continue to grant me those gifts, will I choose instead to boast in you? Am I willing to give it all up because of the surpassing greatness of knowing my God? I want to say yes, yet my sould screams NO! God, kill that in me. I need to mortify the desires in my life that don't please you or that usurp your glory - whether that's a desire to learn, a desire to sing, etc. Even the good desires (and most often the good desires) are where its easiest to get hung up. God, I want to use my talents. I want to use them for you. I want to honor you one day by being a wife and mother. I want to serve you with the voice you've given me and the language ability you've given me, but I so easily turn away from a focus on you to a focus on what I can accomplish or what I desire. Help me to glory in my Redeemer, not my abilities.

God, help me to cast my cares on you and desperately long for your guidance. Give me grace. Make me humble. Help me to rest within your arms knowing I'm secure in you. Grant me a heart of repentence. Thank you for redeeming me. Thank you for saving me. Help me to live with the understanding that all my needs are met through the cross ... that because of the cross, I have no unfulfilled desires (because you are all I really need). Thanks for your compassion. Thanks for your patience and your loving provision to me. Thanks that I can have hopeful expectation of how you will continue to provide and fulfill me. Keep me near the cross. Keep me near to what you've done so that my life stays in perspective. Help me to live knowing "all I really need is You."