God's Faithfulness and Pain

So, over the past few days, I've been in a significant amount of pain. I'm not writing that here to get attention (though I know of only about 3 people anyways that read this blog) and I'm trying not to draw attention to myself about it (though that's hard because when I'm limping people want to know why). So, that in and of itself has been a process of repentence. I like attention. No, I idoloize attention. I crave it often more than I crave God. So, at times I am grateful for stupid things like a bad leg, because, despite the pain there is a positive - I get attention through it. So, something I'm working on (and quite far away from mastering) is acknowledging that arrogance and pride screaming from my life, and asking God to change my heart and desire. Because I can't change this - I desire attention and I go to extremes to get it. But by God's grace, I believe I may be at least making a tiny bit of progress here. And because of God's grace, I have the confidence that He will continue what He so lovingly and compassionately began in me, so I can say with assurance that I will, through His strength, ultimately gain victory in this area. What hope that gives me! As I see Him becoming greater, I also see myself becoming smaller which results in Him magnified and my self diminished. And I know the cross is sufficient to redeem my arrogance, pride and idolatry.

What's going on is this - my leg that I broke last spring has suddenly decided it wants to pretend its broken again. Or perhaps it is - we're not sure yet. But for 2 or 3 weeks, it has been bothering me. It started with a constant ache. It moved to a throb. It was constant, it was painful. It escalated to a sharp pain that shoots through my leg every time any pressure is applied at all (not so much when I push on it, more when I walk on it). It moved from there to hurting almost all the time but worse when I walk. It hurts to flex and extend my ankle. It feels like its "jammed." We're not sure what the cause is or why it suddenly started hurting with no apparent justification. It could be arthritis (man, as a 26 year old, that thought makes me feel 62 instead - eek!), it could be a stretched, bruised or torn ligament, muscle or tendon, or it could be scar tissue or bone fragment that has broken off of the repaired area and is now wonderfully swimming around in my leg. None of those sound great to me. Its easy to get discouraged.

Once again, I'm back to 1st Peter. Still haven't gotten past the first 5 verses and ultimately I still haven't gotten past Larry's sermon from 3 weeks ago. Gosh, I'm slow. So, 1st Peter promises me that God for-ordained my steps. That He is sanctifying me and that I can (through His strength and because of the cross) follow in His steps of obedience, humility and trust. 1st Peter tells me there's hope for the "Peters" in this world. There's hope for me. Why? Because its not about me. The hope doesn't stem from my ability - it stems from the all-sufficiency of my sweet and all powerful Lord. It stems from Someone greater than any circumstance I face, greater than any unsureness about the path ahead. It comes from - shock - NOT ME! that's hope. I mess it up. I shift my gaze. I find a new object for my soul to find confidence in as much as the weather in Greenville changes daily.

But My God is above the clouds of stormy weathery change. He is not swayed by circumstances. But, back to my post from earlier, this God who knows each star's name, hears my cry. He condescends to my low estate. He looks with love on this insignificiant dust mite that lives as if she rules the world. What an amazing God I serve! What an amazing Father to love me though He knows all about every sin I've ever committed against Him - He doesn't make himself distant until I "realize my fault" and do 15 steps of pennance. No! He pursues me, even when I'm running away. He draws me back to Himself as the source of my hope and strength. How unfathomable the depths of His kindness and care!