discouragement

its only been 11 days.

but its been severe. my life has stopped. i have stopped thinking. i can't concentrate. i can't work effectively. i feel like a shell with nothing but pain inside.

i'm really struggling with discouragement right now. i'm concerned that there is more going on than simply headaches - the tension and migraine medicine doesn't work. so far, nothing has provided more than temporary relief. in the last 12 hours, 2 doctors have said "this baffles me... that should have worked... etc."

i'm struggling b/c i don't want to make a big deal out of this. i don't want to blow this out of proportion. but in my life right now, it is all-consuming. its all-encompassing. emily as we know her is currently gone. or at least asleep or heavily medicated. i don't know how much more, how many more days like this i can really take. i want to be back.

but its only been 11 days. that's a light and temporary affliction. but it doesn't feel light. or temporary. eternal weight of glory sounds appealing. can i have that instead?

i'm sick. i'm weak. i can't hold on b/c the waves are strong. i don't have hope in my circumstance, because right now that circumstance makes me want to cry. my sole comfort is in the truth that Someone is holding on to me while I'm in these waves. That I'm not abandoned or tortured simply for "pruning's sake." that there is hope that even this is truly light and temporary. that my Father is a God of all comfort. he knows I'm too weak to even worry about this. he knows my desires and he's NOT letting go.

i'm glad i'm earnestly loved - by my Father and my "family." that has been so clear the last week or so. ridiculosly earnestly loved. that's cool. i'm not alone. its not hopeless. though everything in me simply wants to cry.

its okay to cry. its okay to be discouraged. as long as i don't stay or live there. there is a hope for my discouragement. and though i don't feel it... this is light and temporary, designed for my good... not to harm, but to refine.

my hope is not in the absence of pain. its in a God that sustains through pain. that empowers IN weakness. that loves in spite of hurt and confusion. that's cool. i don't understand that.