Needy

This has been a hard period in my life. When it gets to the point where it doesn't seem it can get harder, another "last" straw is added to the collection. This week has been one of the hardest so far for me. Its been a week of despairing "whys."

Why, Lord, do I keep hurting though I'm praying in faith that You will heal me? Why do you choose not to? Why do you heap financial stress and work stress on top of all the physical stress You've given me to bear? Why can't it be one thing at a time? Why on top of all that am I emotionally worn thin and can't seem to "get a grip?" Why is my friend now pregnant with her second child and I'm still not married? Why do I seem to be praying to a God that is not listening? Where are you? Why do I feel lost in this fog? Why isn't it easier to trust you because of all you've done for me in the past? Why do I still struggle? Why do I sin in the same areas over and over? Why can't I find victory? Why am I angry in light of all you've given me? Why do I struggle with bitterness and pride when in reality, I don't deserve anything but hell? Why do I feel so lost? Why do I feel so alone?

The questions have been pouring out of my heart. But instead of turning to a God of answers, they have been piling up like a brick wall of unpenatrable darkness. And that brick wall has led to bitterness and anger in my heart. Anger because God is not doing things my way. He's not answering my prayers and working in the ways that I think He should. He is showing Himself as Soveriegn and I'm interpreting that as "vindictive and harsh" instead of loving and kind.

In the last few days, God has once again been revealing to me, the utter wickedness of my heart. And that has led me to despair. I didn't get out of bed yesterday except for 2 times. I simply stayed in bed,sleeping, hiding from my problems... hiding from God. Yet He wouldn't leave me alone. He wouldn't go away.

Like a spoiled child, I want what I want and I want it now. I don't see God's limitations and testings as good things, I see them as vindictive. Basically, I have been struggling because God's not doing things according to Emily's plan. He is asking for everything. He is asking for total surrender and that really really hurts my pride. I know my pride must die, in order for that total surrender to happen, and I think that's why its been such a fight. I'm honestly scared to be just part of a body - where's the glory in that? Where's the boasting in being a slave? Where's the adoration in humility?

God wants weakness. I desire strength. God asks for a humble and contrite heart. I'd rather bring a bull as my offering. God wants my heart. I'd rather give him a gift. But, that gift is proving futile. Its like I'm coming to God with a really pretty wrapped box with nothing inside of it. I want Him to be happy because its wrapped nice. It's wrapped in a sense of humility and joy in the midst of suffering, but when you open it up, its empty. There's no joy when you get down to the real gift. Its not submission with joy. It's not "daddy, if its possible, let this cup pass, but nevertheless, not my will." I'm asking Him to take the cup and not giving the "not my will" part of the prayer. I'm crying for relief but not looking to Him to be more than sufficient no matter the outcome.

God, I pray that you would break me, not with your rigtheous anger that my cold, wicked heart deserves. But I pray that you would once again, lavish me with a glimpse of the Cross - the place where you judged this sin of mine. Show me, once again, the fully-exhausted cup of Your wrath and let that sight bring the joy that is absent in my heart. Let that view bring surrender in my heart. Grant me the grace to gladly pray "not my will, but yours be done." Father, without your grace, I will never pray that prayer. Without your power at work, I will never accomplish that. I am weak. I am sinful. I am full of pride and arrogance. Yet, somehow, you look on me with favor. You look on me fully clothed in the righteousness of Christ. Let that change me. Let that bring gratitude, though my heart doesn't feel it. Let truth guide me, not emotions. Jesus, let your love compel me to take up my cross of pain and suffering and trials and look ahead to the joy that is set before me. Let me, like You, endure this cross with a view of eternity. Let that view change my outlook on suffering. Let that perspective change mine.

Father, be faithful to complete what you started in me, for I have no confidence in my own ability to do it. If you remove your Hand, I will fail. But if your presence remains, as you have promised, then I must succeed. Help me to live today in light of what I already am in You - realizing that I WILL indeed be fully sanctified one day. I will be changed into the likeness of You. I will complete this race and hear you say "well done, enter into my rest." Father, let that day compel me to fight this day. Let that hope be my hope for today. Let that eternal rest be what motivates me to labor on in this battle. Help me to stay focused on You, for without You, I will fail. God, I'm weak. I'm needy. Be my comfort. Be my strength. Be the wind that makes the little weak spark in my heart erupt into a huge flame. I need you. In my weakness, let me look to You for my strength.