Life is not Random

Often I feel life is random - that events happen haphazardly with no justification or purpose. It can often feel life God is distant or not interested or not present or angry or...

But the dichotomy here is that I believe that the Bible to be true. I believe that the Bible contains the very much alive physical words of my God. That realization changes things. It means that life is not random, haphazard or purposeless - that God is not distant or uninterested in my life - on the contrary... the Bible tells me that despite my circumstances, that He has not forgotten or given up on me. That He is intimately involved in my affairs. That He is always in control and that He has sovereignly and lovingly ordained the steps that I so hesitantly take.

Why am I hesitant, like I'm walking on the edge of a cliff? Why does my legalistic heart convince me that I'm about to plunge over the edge? Why do I listen? Why does the belief of the truth of God's Word not influence these legalistic, sinful, adulterating thoughts?

1st Peter talks about a God who forknew - He planned where He planted me. (refer back to my post "Trust the Gardener" http://emily-sc.blogspot.com/2007/08/trust-gardener.html). He did not just throw out the seeds of my life and... oops... they landed here - perfectly - in this job, in this church, still single, with these friends, with these pains, etc. Instead this placement (be it temporary or permanent) was/ is tender. It was loving.

In Psalm 147:3-4 we read, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names." Not only is He the all-powerful Creator of the universe who knows each star's name, He is my God. He is my Protector. He knows my pains. He knows my needs. This God, who is infinately great, is infinitely tender. What a joy that brings to my weary soul. What a comfort that is. He's not a tender God with no ability to help, and He's not a mighty God with no desire to save... No, He is both at the same time. That's why I can have confidence to say that my life is not random. That my job, my hurts, my longings, my wishes and unfulfilled desires, my prayers can be brought before the Throne of Grace to the One who is tenderly loving.

How grateful I am that God has given me such good and patient friends. Sarah, Christa, Jess, Rick and Lucia and the others so clearly display His patience and care to me. What a relief that I'm not in this alone. I'm not merely bumbling along - I have someone to pick me up when I fall (and I sure do fall a lot) and someone who God has graciously given me the ability to do the same with. I love my dear friends. They cause me to love my dear Savior more. I love their tenderness for the Gospel. Seeing that passion motivates me like Eustace to shred away the dragon layers in my life. But seeing their dependence on the Savior has increased my faith in my Father and Redeemer to allow Him to strip me of my dragonish self instead of me attempting and failing to redeem myself.

So, this post is titled "Life is not random." Right now, though, my brain feels random. Trust is a daily struggle. Trust that He will continue to empower and lead me. Trust that as He has lavishly blessed me in the past, He is ever a faithful God. Yet, still I sin. All the signposts in my life point to the faithfulness and consistency of my God. Yet still I struggle. Every verse in the Bible tells me He is just and loving and that the payment on the cross was sufficient to cover and replace all my insufficiencies. It tells me of my eternal inheritance. Yet still, I live as a pauper. I live in the slums. I desire the mud pies of this world and forego the beach. I don't "jump" off the counter with full confidence. And through all that He remains and will always remain faithful, patient, loving, caring and kind. Why? Because His justice, wrath, judgment and payment of my infinite debts were all paid for. That's why for me there will be no judgment seat. When God looks at me He sees a good and faithful servant - because He sees the risen Christ in my place. I was crucified with Christ - therefore it is no longer I that live, but Christ that lives in me.

That should free me. That should release me to abundant joy. And the more I contemplate these things, the more hope I do have. The more I realize that my God not only forknew what would happen in my life but He paid the price I could not, provided me with an inheritance I could not earn and has empowered me for a santification that I cannot achieve alone, it gives me the desire to take another step in this painful process of sanctification. I only pray that as I continue to struggle, God will continue to reveal the never ending onion layers of joy that are found in Him (thankfully I can pray this with confidence, as James says that when I draw near to Him, He draws near to me). I want to know Him more. I want to sin less. I long to recognize the sound of His voice as my Shepherd. I want to be recentered. I want fewer ties to this dungeon we call our world. I want to radiate His greatness not my own. I want more feeling and less numbness.