to celebrate what God has done

Thanks James for putting this video together. Its exciting and faith building to watch again. It truly was a time to celebrate what God has done.

My highlight yet again was watching Ed O'Daniel baptize his two sons. They are the last ones in the video to be baptized. What a joy this was. Two years ago, Ed was dying. Thanks to the sacrifice of Wendy, thanks to her kidney which God sovereignly ordained to be a perfect match, Ed was able to have the honor of baptizing his sons. Wow.

Baptism Photos

Buried and Raised in Christ - Union

Yesterday was baptism Sunday at church. I hope to have pictures soon to be able to post, but I just want to say it was simply an awesome day.

During worship, God was reminding me of my union with Christ... the joy found in that truth... and how marriage and baptism are both a picture of that union. I didn't expect baptism to remind me of marriage (especially since I'm not married), but here's what was going through my mind...

1. it is a public display - I am commited to this person forever and I want everyone to know.

2. it is a time of rejoicing corporately - the entire church joined in the celebration... they rejoiced, they clapped, they gave hugs galore!!!

3. some people laugh and hoop and holler, some cry. Not a big surprise here, but I was the latter. :)

4. in a wedding, your dad typically gives you away. in baptism, my spriritual leader, friend and pastor had the honor of baptising me. You could see in his eyes that he was rejocing with me, you could sense and feel it as he hugged me, and smiled and cried. so much was wrapped up in that moment. He cares for my soul with such excellence. God has lavishly blessed our church with not just one amazing leader, but three! what a gift. I am grateful beyond words.

5. it reveals the levels and depths of friendships - some stand close by your side in a wedding... some just hug you for all its worth while they are in their church clothes and you're sopping wet. at that moment, the last 5 years re-entered my mind... a friendship that has been formed by only God's grace alone... a friendship sweeter than I ever could have asked for. the main reason I had the honor of even standing there at that moment, dripping and smelling of chlorine, was because of how God worked in and through my sweet friend, Jessica Britt. Her patience, love and care is what led me to Christ. Her example made the gospel appealing to me - a sinner who had until that moment been content to wallow in my sin. So, Jess (since I know you're reading this)... thank you. Thank you for obeying the Spirit when He asked you to reach out to me. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your ongoing care over the past 5 (but especially the last 2 1/2 years). I'm not the same person that I was 5 years ago as a result. I pray that God lavishly, richly blesses you. I pray you feel His pleasure. I pray that I will be able to be the same friend to another struggling hopeless visitor, that you were to me.


It was a beautiful day. Every testimony given made me cry. God's grace is not merely great enough to reach into our sin-ravaged lives, He does it in a specific, personal, tender, caring, intimate way. Just like no proposal is the same... no salvation is the same.

Jesus truly is sweet. It is an honor to call Him mine. It is a joy to be in union with Him. It is my delight to serve Him. What a joy. What a splendid time of sweetness that has begun.

To be honest, I didn't expect all that...

Taste and See

Your words were found and I ate them, and they became a delight to me and a joy to my soul...

For I lead the blind in ways that they do not know... I do not forsake them.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good...


I enjoy good cuisine. I enjoy beautiful scenery. But nothing compares to tasting and seeing God's goodness. Nothing compares to the magnificence of His blessing. Nothing so adequately defines my weakness as when I see God's power on display. Nothing makes me desire God more than when I see a glimpse of Him as all desirable.

My friends, I'm overwhelmed. I've cried all day. This morning, I was yawning and exhaustedly limping into work. Then God fed me richly with Psalm 62 (I've "bolded" the words that He specifically used this morning)

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah

Those of low estate are but a breath; those of high estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath.

Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.

Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love. For you will render to a man according to his work.

The first thought I had when I read that last verse was "I'm glad that's not true. I deserve hell. He's not going to render to me what I deserved. Because of the cross, because of the substitutionary perfect life of Christ, He looks at me with acceptance and pleasure. What grace! How that is undeserved!

Little did I know the roller coaster was about to take another flip - except this time it was behind my back and I couldn't see it coming...

One of the managers at work came to my desk and mentioned that he needed to talk to me when I was off the phone (I was fighting with the insurance company about the $1404 that they say I owe them from my MRI). I got off the phone and Siggi (my boss) reminded me that I needed to go talk to Jeff.
Weird.

So, I went over to Jeff (one of the manager's that is equal with my boss but I don't really work for him though I do work with him some and help him out as needed). He mentioned that he wanted to talk to me, and could we go in the conference room. He then told Siggi that we were going to meet and could he join us. The 45 seconds it took us to walk to the room, I was wondering what this was about but I wasn't nervous.

We sat down and Jeff says "are you nervous yet?" =)
I said "why, should I be??" =)

That's when he proceeded to tell me that what he was about to tell me was that he wants to offer me a position in program planning. That is the department that looks at the requirements from assembly and plans how the cars are going to be organized (by discussing with other departments in Germany and an overall view of how the plant functions and what would be the best steps to take). Basically, easily explained, look at the big picture, break it down to the itty bitty parts and then like a puzzle, put it back together in the best way possible.

Honestly, it is one of those jobs I always thought would be a great job but never thought I could get. There are only 11 people in that department and there were no planned openings anytime in the next 5 years.

Um, can you say overwhelmed?? Tina (who will be my boss) hand picked me because she has been watching my work now for months and has been working on getting this approved for literally 6 months! I'm blown away. I'm SO excited.

That's the cake...

...here's the icing...

Someone contacted the church office today (aka Jess) and wanted to register me for the Worship God conference.

WHAT?!!?#$$#(*$? :) Are you kidding me?

Psalm 62 was what God reminded me this morning. He rewards those who trust in Him. He is faithful. He is 2 things: powerful and steadfastly loving.

He is ridiculously amazing if you ask me.

There are no words to describe it. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve yet another blessing - I fail to trust Him. I doubt His goodness. I question His ways. I complain about my current state. And He says wait, hope, rest and trust while you are pouring out your heart to Me.

And still, I fail there. I don't wait with excellence. I don't rest without trying to plan out the next 23 steps. I don't trust without questioning "what if." I pour out my heart to my laptop and fail to do so to my Jesus.

Yet He still chooses to bless. I don't get it. I don't deserve such kindness. Doesn't He know I didn't perfectly believe He really would bless?

Yet, still He chooses to.

Taste and See...

Taste through those words that were found.
See because He brings sight to the blind as He leads and as they pour out their hearts.

What a feast! What a view!
What a God!

Why I Blog

I have been thinking over the past few days what the purpose of this blog is. I am not a pastor. In my mind are no brilliant, life-changing thoughts that will rock the world. For over a year, no one read my posts and only a few close friends even knew this place existed. I have nothing special to share. My life is very ordinary - I live in an ordinary place, drive an ordinary car, and sit in an ordinary cubicle 5 days each and every week.

But here's the point. My God is far from ordinary. He is magnificent and His works are amazing.

My wayward heart tends to forget that truth. I tend to get stuck in the "ordinary" and miss what God is doing, miss who God is in the midst of it all. This blog is my reminder. It is a reminder to not forget God... not forget His work on the Cross... and not forget his works that are present in my life and the lives of my friends.

The children of Israel forgot their God (Judges 3:7). I don't want to make that same mistake. The Christian life is a marathon (Hebrews 12:1). I want to prepare in every way possible for the joy that is set before me. I want my endurance to grow.

My prayer is that my thoughts as I'm simultaneously training for and running in this race - that seeing God's faithfulness in my past would spur me (aka us) on to run harder... that seeing answered prayers would cause us to rejoice more in our God... and that remembering His works will encourage us to not grow weary but instead to continue faithfully pursuing the One who lovingly pursued us first.

The Story of God's Goodness

I have been thinking about writing this for a while now, and that idea was compelled forward by a post I read this morning.

Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind! Psalm 31:19

My life, like Steven's (in the link above) is a story of God's goodness. It's also a story of God's individual care, for my story doesn't look exactly like his. It shows God's guidance, but in a unique and different way than his story. Each of our stories does the same.

So, here's my story of God's goodness... the God who called me out before my birth... the One that is by His grace and mercy, receiving glory for my life of learning to depend on Him.

(*warning - lengthy post to follow - its hard to encapsulate 26 years into a few paragraphs!*)

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I was born in Pennsylvania. My family background is both German and Italian. With that in mind, I should probably have been born into a Roman Catholic family. Instead, by God's mercy, I was born into a family that told me of Jesus at a young age. I grew up with parents that were concerned that I be cared for, so they sacrificed to put my sister and I through Christian school. When none was available, they homeschooled us. They worked hard to do what they thought was best for us. I however, found myself conforming to the ways of my parents instead of accepting it as my own. I always questioned how I could know this faith was real and not merely a by-product of my culture.

Because of my family heritage (and because my family moved a lot when I was young), I was always interested in other cultures and languages. In high school, I began learning German. My family was very passionate about reaching other cultures, so for 2 years, we had foregin exchange students from Germany live with us (though my sister and I tried so hard, we were never able to convince my parents to get the cute guy from Russia. *sigh*)

In college, I lived with one of our exchange student's family for a summer. The questions I had always had in the back of my mind (how can I know this is real? does religion simply depend on where you grow up? are there really absolute truths? it's possible to be convinced but to be wrong, so how can I know my convictions aren't wrong? etc.)... these and more questions welled up for years, yet I never found a satisfying answer. For me, "just have faith" was not sufficient. My heart was longing for answers that could not be found. Throughout high school and college, I began to believe that there was not absolute truth - that each individual simply needed to do what they believed was best and that as long as you were genuine, you were okay. I believed that you could not know for sure and therefore it didn't matter. God didn't matter. How I lived my life didn't matter.

I could not have been further from the truth.

Outwardly my life reflected the good "Christian" I was thought to be. Inwardly, I knew that was not the case. Conforming was easier. And since I was in a Christian culture, I conformed. During this time, I came to know people who (like me) were sinners. But the background I grew up in was not a culture of confessing sin to God and relying on other's support for help - it was a background of hiding your sin and legalistically pretending that all was okay. As long as you looked good on the outside, no one asked questions. Everyone seemed more concerned with others thinking you were perfect than dealing with the root of the problems.

I began to believe that I deserved more and that I was the victim. I expected people to meet my expectations. I looked at wrongs done to me as greater than my sin that killed Christ. I thought no one understood me. No one cared for my soul, they were more concerned with my actions. And I was tired of playing the game. I had played the game for 23 years and was sick of it.

I was done. Game over.

Three days before college graduation, I was expelled from school. For me, that was the final straw. There seemed to be no point conforming anymore. To me, all this "game" was was "put on a good show and no one knows the real you." And no one cared to see the dirt and grime. But I wanted someone to know me. I wanted for someone to love me for who I was, not for who I appeared to be.

In my desperate lonliness, I then conformed to a different culture - the world's. I sought satisfaction in everything I desired. There was nothing "off limits" for me at that point. I did what I wanted, I bought what I wanted, I served only myself and convinced myself that this was the best I could ever hope for. At this point in my life, there was no difference in who I was from the previous years, simply a difference in what I did. I did not believe there was any eternal happiness possible. Life was hard, the best I could do is simply cope and then I'd die. A life of miserable "coping" is not a life worth living. That was my assumption.

At that point, a friend of mine introduced me to a Christian counselor named Rick Thomas. I was not thrilled to be talking to him. I had my idea of who he was and what he would say. He turned out to be very different than that assumption. After some time of building a friendship with Rick and his wife Lucia, they told me of a place where people cared about you, weren't judgmental of who you are, and truly loved you for who you are not simply how you appear. I remember telling Rick "I don't believe that exists, but if it did, that would be the best place ever."

I was convinced to prove him wrong.

I had told Rick I would come on August 3rd, 2003 to the first public meeting of Grace Covenant Church (now Sovereign Grace Church), but I was too hungover to be out of bed by 10 AM. When Rick called to see where I was, I told him the truth, thinking he would be shocked and leave me alone. He didn't. He invited me to come the following Sunday. On August 10th, 2003, I came simply to prove to him that what he thought of this church was wrong (and to get him off my back). That Sunday, the pastor and his wife invited me to come to their house the following Sunday for lunch. Free food? Sure, I'd sit through 2 hours of anything for a free homecooked meal. So, I came back. I ended up at their house from noon until 10PM that night talking to (and mocking) them for what they believed. But they were patient and loving each step of the way.

That was unexpected and made me question why.

Fast forward... I came and left the church countless times over the next 6 months. One morning, I met Jim (our senior pastor) and Rick (counselor/pastor) for breakfast at Jack in the Box. I remember Jim asked me if I was a Christian. I said yes. He asked why I believed that. I told him because I knew that Jesus was God's Son and that He died on the cross to save sins. I will never forget what Jim said to me next. He said. "Emily, Satan believes that too. Tell me, why is he condemned to hell for all eternity and you expect any different. What makes you different from him?" I had no answer. For the first time in my life, I was scared about that.

Fast forward again... I came and left again countless times over the next 6 months. I would show up at church dressed immodestly, hungover or high and mocking so many of those that were there to worship God. But despite my antagonism, these people loved me and cared. They were different. I couldn't explain it. God used that love to show me the meaning of the phrase "the kindness of God leads to repentence." One Saturday, again, Jim, Rick and I met for breakfast - this time at Cracker Barrel. I remember Jim sitting across from me with tears in his eyes, pleading for me to change. Pleading for me to repent. A man I had only known for a few short months, was broken over my lack of brokenness. He cried, pleading with me to repent.

He cried tears of love and it cut to my core.

God used the kindness of my church family to lead me to my Savior. He used free homecooked meals, little notes and cards, countless tear-filled prayers, trips to amusement parks (another long story) and so much more to show me His love. I didn't earn the love I was shown. I tried to push it away. Yet they pursued. God Himself pursued me. As I was running away, He came running after me. He came after His little loss sheep. It was unexpected, unwanted, and supremely kind.

About 2 1/2 years ago, God drew my hard soul to Him. He broke the walls down and showed me true hope - it happened after a trip to Carowinds (an amusement park in Charlotte, NC). That trip could be a separate post, and maybe one day will be, but to summarize, what I saw that day was a group of eight 20 somethings who were serving each other, loving each other and prayed for God to be glorified in all they did that day. My thought was "that's stupid. God's not at an amusement park, He's in church."

That day, He proved me wrong.

This thing called the "gospel" affected how those seven people lived that day. As Jess prayed for God to be glorified, something in my heart told me to simply watch. See if what they believe matched how they lived that day. So, I watched what I now know as the gospel, played out in human form that day. The Cross of Christ had changed their hearts, and was producing beautiful fruit. This truth I had been hearing about, didn't just affect the pastors, it changed how those people spent a day at an amusement park - those people I referred to as "stupid 5th graders" showed me true maturity that day. I had no explanation. They were serving. They were unselfish. They were loving.

It was different and SO appealing. The hope they had - I longed for that.

God's kindness, as displayed that day through my friends, blew me away. It had changed them and that could not be denied.

Through God's grace, new life was breathed into my dead soul. I am undeserving of that grace. God's kindess led my sinful soul to repentence of my infinite sins and to a trusting faith in Jesus as my only Hope. Not a "coping" anymore - this truth became a new reality. This was a new life. It was beautiful. The awful cross became to me a place of sheer beauty. Though I wanted to look away in shame, He drew me closer, ever reminding me that my shame was paid for completely in full on that bloody cross. There is NO PART of my sin that was not exponged that day.

I am truly undeserving of such grace. All praise to my God, for He is infinitely worthy!

That's my story. Its just beginning. I can't wait to see how it ends. I can't wait to meet my Jesus, walk hand in hand with Him and see His face. I was created for Him. He drew me to Him. He upholds me now through trials. He is beautiful to me.

I'm looking forward to the next step of this journey on May 18th. God is truly good. I'm eternally grateful.

The story He has written for me is amazing and humbling. It is only by God's mercy I am where I am today. His grace is beautiful.

Refocusing

I changed the title of my blog today from "Emily's blog: random musings into the character of God and its implications in my life..." to "A Sacrifice of Praise."

This change is for several reasons.

The first is because over the last month or so, God has been lovingly stripping me of "Emily's thoughts" which are often based in feelings and transferring those with truths found in His unchanging Word. This past month of pain and trials has shown me an inexpressable comfort and sweetness found in Him and His Words. My focus must dwell there more.

As I was reading today in Hebrews 13, I came across the following verses:
So Jesus also suffered outside the gate in order to sanctify the people through his own blood. Therefore let us go to him outside the camp and bear the reproach he endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come. Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name.

Because of the cross, I have been drawn near to Christ. He's commanded, as His follower, that I die to my desires and hopes that are tied to this world and follow Him, looking to the hope that is to come. With that in mind... in light of the cross... in light of eternity, how can I not praise? How can my words not be filled with gratitude? How can I not acknowlege that Jesus is truly the sweetest name I know?

So, the second reason for the change is because I want my life to be this sacrifice of praise. I want to be so enamoured by the cross that everything else pales in comparison. I want my words to reflect gratefulness for the mercy He's given to me. Having those words at the beginning of my blog each time I log in, will physically help me to remember to praise, not complain... to rejoice, not lament... to look up, not look around or down.

I want to sing. Whether in a dark prison at midnight or in fields of happy sunshine. My response should be a sacrifice of praise because my situation does not determine my feelings. Truth does.

This is a sacrifice because I must surrender all. I must die to my idolatrous desires, as I submit to the will of my Father. I must make a choice to say "no" when my heart screams otherwise. That is a sacrifice worth giving. In view of what He sacrificed, this can scarecely even be called sacrifice. It is minimal compared to His cross.

This is a joyful sacrifice filled with praise, for He has washed my sins away. He has promised to lead the blind. He has promised to guide and comfort no matter what the trial may be. I can praise because God will never forsake. He will always lead. He will always guide me in ways that to me are unfamiliar.

That's why I praise. That's what changes everything. Joy is found in death. The death of my Savior brings sweet hope. And the death to my desires brings sweet comfort as Jesus faithfully proves Himself to be more than sufficient. He IS indeed more than sufficient. He IS all. I have no need He does not address. I have no sin He did not remove. I have no cry He does not hear. There is no trial He does not walk through with me. He is indeed great.

In my weakness, I see more clearly His all-sufficiency. I can rest there with joy and peace.

YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just paid off my line of credit account at the bank!!!! In total, I have paid off 14 loans and only have 3 more to go! God has been so kind and SO incredibly patient with me throughout the past 4 years.

In the waves...

So, this week, my mind has been, once again in the ditches. The ditch of the week has mostly been discouragement about my sin. Oh, and forgetting to view the cross as the answer to all my problems. That seems to be a consistent one for me. I see my failures and miss the cross. I see my weakness and miss His strength. I see my lack of passion and miss His unfailing faithfulness.

The sermon this past Sunday was on 1st Peter 1:1-9. As Matt was saying on Sunday in his illustration, when He takes Sarah (who's 3) into the ocean, she is scared to death. She is afraid because those big salty waves are so much more powerful than her and she knows it. She desperately tries to hold onto her daddy but her little fingers just don't quite do the job effectively. But wonder of wonders - this 3 year old doesn't drown. She doesn't sink in the waves never to be seen again. Why?? Because her daddy (who she's trying to no avail to hold on to) is holding on to her. He cares for her. He's put her in the waves to strengthen her trust in him. He's holding her in the waves to increase her confidence in him as provider. He is with her in the waves and would die before he'd let her drown. He wants her hope to be in him and his ability to protect her from the danger that's all around.

Like Sarah, my Christian walk is a lot like life in the waves. The first thing is that my heart and soul don't like to be wet. I'd rather be on the beach watching the people who can ride on the waves with beauty instead of watching the little kids splashing around. If I knew I could ride the waves like a professional surfer, I'd be happy to be in the waves (note the pervasive self-sufficient arrogance here to think that I can do it on my own). But in my mind, if I can conquer the waves, I'll be okay. But the point isn't riding the waves - its trusting IN them. It's not conquering my fears, its trusting my Father. When my grasp is slipping (or has already slipped), He is firmly and tenderly holding on to me. When my fears are as high as the surrounding waves, His provision is more than sufficient. When my sins are enveloping me with doubts and fears, His grace prevails. Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound.

Because of the cross, death (and waves) no longer have dominion over me. They may cause my heart to fear, but they will never kill me. The waves won't destroy Sarah, but they will teach her to cling to and trust in her daddy even more. Just like that, the sin in my life that is ever-so-pervasive will not destroy me because my Redeemer has paid that price. He has released me from those bonds. I may still be in the waves, but I'm not sinking because there are chains tied to me. I'm held secure in His arms. The free gift of God is eternal life (read: HOPE!).

My hope in the waves is not that some day I may be able to surf like a pro - my hope in the waves is that I'm held fast in His unfailing arms. I'm secure not because I feel like it, but because He is true and trustworthy. I'm safe not because my circumstances tell me so, I'm safe because my Father's character doesn't lie. He has promised never to let me go. That grasp wont change and that grasp is not at all dependent on my ability to hold Him. HE IS HOLDING ME!!! He is loving me and tenderly providing each need I have. He cares for me. That's why I have hope. He loves me. He knows me fully and chooses to love sinful little me. When I look all around me and all I can see are my mountans of failures and sin - I look up to the One crucified in my place, Jesus Christ the Redeemer of men!

Oh Father, I pray that you would turn my gaze. My mind is so prone to wander and leave my hope in you. I deny that hope daily as I choose to hope in fleeting circumstances. I hope in jobs, I hope in good health, I hope in financial freedom, I hope in consistency. And here you are, lovingly showing me that my job is to love you with all my heart, soul and mind, my health is to use my entire capacity to bring glory to you (even when that capacity is not where I'd like it to be), my financial freedom is found in trusting you daily to meet my needs and give me the strength and trust in you not in stuff, and my consistency in life is only found in You as my source of hope, fulfillment and joy. Sweet Jesus, your cross was sufficient for ALL my sins, all my weakness, all my failures. The best I bring to you is simply rags. But you clothe me with Your righteousness, You seat me at Your table, You lavish me with the inheritance that You purchased. That inheritance is not due to proper 401K investments I made, it is wholly because of YOU and the price you paid for me. Holy Spirit, I pray that you would grant me more grace. Fill this leaky cup I hold up to you and fill those leaks with a deeper understanding of You. Fix my gaze on you because its always moving away. If the waves are what it takes to keep that gaze on you, Jesus bring the rain. Bring the waves. I want more of you. I want a deeper trust. I want a bigger God. I long to view your activity in my life like Matt does - I want to see you working on every corner and in every part of my life. Yet I am weak. The waves are too strong. Thank you that You hold me fast. Loving Trinity, your power is infinately greater than my weakness and that is where my confidence lies. You WILL complete what you've begun. You will finish what is started and I can confidently hope in that! You foreknew, you obeyed and you sanctify. And you multiply that grace and peace to me. Though I'm "dispersed" here, you haven't deserted me - you are actively and lovingly working. So, dear Father, I come to you... empty... with hopeful anticipation of knowing you more. Clinging to the hope that its only by your grace that I even desire to draw near to you. And clinging to the promise that as I draw near, you promise to reveal more of yourself to me. Peel off the dragon-layers of myself and continue this process of sanctification that you began. My flesh is grass - it dies. But you never do. Give me the grace to put all my trust in You!

Life is not Random

Often I feel life is random - that events happen haphazardly with no justification or purpose. It can often feel life God is distant or not interested or not present or angry or...

But the dichotomy here is that I believe that the Bible to be true. I believe that the Bible contains the very much alive physical words of my God. That realization changes things. It means that life is not random, haphazard or purposeless - that God is not distant or uninterested in my life - on the contrary... the Bible tells me that despite my circumstances, that He has not forgotten or given up on me. That He is intimately involved in my affairs. That He is always in control and that He has sovereignly and lovingly ordained the steps that I so hesitantly take.

Why am I hesitant, like I'm walking on the edge of a cliff? Why does my legalistic heart convince me that I'm about to plunge over the edge? Why do I listen? Why does the belief of the truth of God's Word not influence these legalistic, sinful, adulterating thoughts?

1st Peter talks about a God who forknew - He planned where He planted me. (refer back to my post "Trust the Gardener" http://emily-sc.blogspot.com/2007/08/trust-gardener.html). He did not just throw out the seeds of my life and... oops... they landed here - perfectly - in this job, in this church, still single, with these friends, with these pains, etc. Instead this placement (be it temporary or permanent) was/ is tender. It was loving.

In Psalm 147:3-4 we read, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names." Not only is He the all-powerful Creator of the universe who knows each star's name, He is my God. He is my Protector. He knows my pains. He knows my needs. This God, who is infinately great, is infinitely tender. What a joy that brings to my weary soul. What a comfort that is. He's not a tender God with no ability to help, and He's not a mighty God with no desire to save... No, He is both at the same time. That's why I can have confidence to say that my life is not random. That my job, my hurts, my longings, my wishes and unfulfilled desires, my prayers can be brought before the Throne of Grace to the One who is tenderly loving.

How grateful I am that God has given me such good and patient friends. Sarah, Christa, Jess, Rick and Lucia and the others so clearly display His patience and care to me. What a relief that I'm not in this alone. I'm not merely bumbling along - I have someone to pick me up when I fall (and I sure do fall a lot) and someone who God has graciously given me the ability to do the same with. I love my dear friends. They cause me to love my dear Savior more. I love their tenderness for the Gospel. Seeing that passion motivates me like Eustace to shred away the dragon layers in my life. But seeing their dependence on the Savior has increased my faith in my Father and Redeemer to allow Him to strip me of my dragonish self instead of me attempting and failing to redeem myself.

So, this post is titled "Life is not random." Right now, though, my brain feels random. Trust is a daily struggle. Trust that He will continue to empower and lead me. Trust that as He has lavishly blessed me in the past, He is ever a faithful God. Yet, still I sin. All the signposts in my life point to the faithfulness and consistency of my God. Yet still I struggle. Every verse in the Bible tells me He is just and loving and that the payment on the cross was sufficient to cover and replace all my insufficiencies. It tells me of my eternal inheritance. Yet still, I live as a pauper. I live in the slums. I desire the mud pies of this world and forego the beach. I don't "jump" off the counter with full confidence. And through all that He remains and will always remain faithful, patient, loving, caring and kind. Why? Because His justice, wrath, judgment and payment of my infinite debts were all paid for. That's why for me there will be no judgment seat. When God looks at me He sees a good and faithful servant - because He sees the risen Christ in my place. I was crucified with Christ - therefore it is no longer I that live, but Christ that lives in me.

That should free me. That should release me to abundant joy. And the more I contemplate these things, the more hope I do have. The more I realize that my God not only forknew what would happen in my life but He paid the price I could not, provided me with an inheritance I could not earn and has empowered me for a santification that I cannot achieve alone, it gives me the desire to take another step in this painful process of sanctification. I only pray that as I continue to struggle, God will continue to reveal the never ending onion layers of joy that are found in Him (thankfully I can pray this with confidence, as James says that when I draw near to Him, He draws near to me). I want to know Him more. I want to sin less. I long to recognize the sound of His voice as my Shepherd. I want to be recentered. I want fewer ties to this dungeon we call our world. I want to radiate His greatness not my own. I want more feeling and less numbness.

He did WHAT??!!

more thoughts on this later, but I am sitting in my room, typing away on my new FREE laptop!

musings on faithfulness...

So, God started this "week" for me on Saturday night by showing me yet again my all-pervasive sin - allowing me to fully glimpse that depravity and then very timely providing me with an answer.

When Rick called and asked me to serve my sweet dear friend Sarah on Saturday night, my first thought was "oh come on... not again... don't you realize I have things to do?... don't you realize I'm "sick of serving"?... how could you impose on me like this at the very last minute?... I have a schedule you know and this request did not come before the 48 hour scheduling deadline." The thoughts continued for several minutes. It's amazing how in a matter of seconds so many wreched thoughts can fill your seemingly "sin-free" mind and create such a vicious downward spiral. So, instead of dealing with it, I pasted an ever-so-genuine smile on my face and headed out to serve. But God in his kindness, knew there was more to the story than I could see.

So, as Sarah and I were leaving the house, she looked at me and said "I sinned when I heard you were coming to pick me up." To which I said "I sinned when I was asked to come pick you up." Wow. There's nothing like starting a conversation with two confessions of "I really didn't want to see you." Thankfully though instead of that reality closing the door to communication and leading to an awkward drive in silence, it wonderfully opened the door to the depths of what was truly going on. Unbeknownst to me, Sarah had received an e-mail early that morning that said "I don't know what's going on, but I'm praying for you, etc..." And then that afternoon, she got a call from someone else stating "I don't know what's going on but I'm praying for you." Oddly enough, I was one of the only people who did know what was going on (hence the reason she didn't want to see me when she heard I was coming to pick her up). So, the drive home turned into a lengthy deep discussion about trusting God despite the "fog" and His faithfulness despite our sin.

We talked several hours that night and then I went home to go to bed. Only I couldn't sleep. God was flooding my mind with verses, poems, and words for Sarah. So, I wrote. And wrote. And at 3 AM finally stopped writing and went to sleep. At 6:30, I got up and headed to worship rehersal. In rehersal, Jim was explaining to us the depths of the song "for You are Holy" and how God's holiness defines everything He is and everything He does. What an encouragement and refresher to my soul those words were. But when we went in to practice with the equipment, everything fell apart. The vocals were a mess, the mix was a mess, and the focus (in my heart) was gone. How timely - God used that 45 minute time-frame to humble me and once again show me my ever-present need for His all-sufficient grace. And to focus my heart's gaze on Him, not the needs of my precious friend. Worship on Sunday was sweet. God was kind and as Lucy says in Prince Caspian "Aslan, you've grown."

This Sunday was the day for Larry's annual trip to see us. For me, that day is always a day of grateful reflection. Four years ago, the Sunday Larry came, was the Sunday I was in Charlotte. That trip was the catalyst leading me to where I am today. But back to now... His sermon was on the magnificence of the grace of Christ compared to the depths of our sin (see previous post for sermon notes). How timely! It's almost like it was planned that way. :) So, on Sunday, after encouraging Sarah to have faith in our faithful God, the tsunami of sin hit my soul - the lack of self control, discipline, lack of service, lack of passion, arrogance and pride, etc. One after another, the waves started coming. And one after another, I found myself being knocked down by the current. Martin Luther said that the entire life of a Christian must be one of repentence. Either I'm in the ditch of wallowing in my sin and inability to save myself or I'm over in the ditch of "pull up your bootstraps and find a way to fix it." How truly that repentence is needed. Daily. Practically minute by minute. But then came to mind a thought that Larry said on Sunday - confession doesn't save anyone. Crying help doesn't save anyone. Christ saves. The cross is what saves - not my desire to "fix it." That's what Paul Baloche's new song "I cling to the cross" is all about - the cross is the only hope there is for saving me.

Since Sunday, I'm once again realizing what a "cast" sheep I am. Without a shepherd, there's no hope for my soul. But His rod and staff - though used for correction at times, are a comfort to me. I'm a far way off from "getting it" but I think by God's grace I'm starting to get it. Funny thing is before this weekend I thought I was doing okay. I'm grateful that God would orchestrate those events to lovingly prove to me otherwise. When I slept through the phone call Monday morning at 5 AM, Sarah's voicemail was a sweet reminder of God's grace despite my insufficiency. What a beautiful way to start the day! How grateful I am that I'm not called to do this alone. How I need the patient, forgiving, to-the-cross-pointing "Sarah's" in my life. And what a joy to know that He will complete what He's begun. What a joy and hope this brings to my parched soul!

The Sovereign Shepherd

Lord, the path before me's looming dark
The way ahead's unclear.
I can't see where you are working
Or even if you're leading here.
It's such a struggle to trust you
Though I know you to be true.
I'm helpless - like a sheep, dear God,
I don't know what to do.

My child, stop and listen -
I'm calling you to come.
Though you do not know the way -
I swear - that truly I'm the One
Who will lead and guide you gently
Like a dad - I'm here, I care.
Don't forget I won't desert you -
My child, I'll always be there.

But God, I cannot hear you and
I cannot feel your touch.
I'm longing for your guidance - how
I need it oh so much.
I trust you, but where are you?
Are you even really near?
I'm in a fog, my Savior -
Don't you know and see my fear?

Oh, Child, please be patient,
I'm working though you can't see;
What looks like midnight to you now
Is clear as day to me.
I'm sovereign - gently working
Not to harm, but to refine.
I gave my precious son for you -
Gave all so you'd be mine.

You doubt that I still love and care -
Don't doubt - look to the cross
For there your sacrifice was paid
And every sin was washed.
You cannot earn this love I give
and you can't find the way.
You need my tender loving hand
to guide you every day.

You fear the unknown bends ahead -
Don't fear - you are not lost.
Oh, please my child do not forget
I've fully paid the cost.
You're not lost and not forgotten
Not rejected or alone - like a sheep
I've carried you - sweet child, home -
Here into my fold.

You cannot see the path ahead but
I can - trust in Me.
It's only through the eyes of faith
You'll ever clearly see.
Just trust me - do not be afraid -
My whispering voice you'll hear -
Just listen - I'm your faithful God
And I am always near.

Dust Mites

I was reading a blog this morning and once again came up the concept of Christ becoming a speck of dust. here's the post... its on the humiliation of Christ... http://blazingcenter.blogspot.com/

In care group Friday, Rick was comparing the Incarnation to us becoming a speck of dust to save the dust mites. On Sunday, Matt gave the same comparison and then this morning I ran across this post.

"A leading researcher on humiliation, Dr. Evelin Lindner, defines humiliation as 'the enforced lowering of a person or group, a process of subjugation that damages or strips away their pride, honor or dignity.' Further, humiliation means to be placed, against ones will, in a situation where one is made to feel inferior. 'One of the defining characteristics of humiliation as a process is that the victim is forced into passivity, acted upon, made helpless.' Johan Galtung, a leading practitioner, agrees with Lindner that the infliction of humiliation is a profoundly violent psychological act that leaves the victim with a deep wound to the psyche." (Beyondintractability.org)

Christmas celebrates the humiliation of Christ.The Incarnation was the humbling of the King of the universe, the stripping away of his honor and dignity. The Creator of all is born a helpless babe. The One who owns the cattle on a thousand hills is born in poverty. The One who directs the stars in their courses is laid in a trough, dependent on the care of his mother and father. The One who sends the rain cries out in hunger and thirst. The King of glory becomes a speck of dust.

The reality of this blows me away. God who was complete chose to take on this humiliation to come to the earth as a helpless, needy child. He was utterly dependent on care of others. He who needed nothing now took on a weak body that requires sleep. He who created all chose to become "the Least" - why?? to rescue me... to impute His charachter on me. He came to me to adopt me as His child. Me - who rejected Him, who despised Him and like those present the day of His crucifixion -- me, who mocked and ridiculed Him for His weakness.

He who was all powerful became weak for me - who was all weakness so that I could experience His power in my life. That power that raised Him from the dead freed me from the slavery to my sin. That strength displayed in His humility gives me the strength to practice humility in my life. That trust that He had in His Father, gives me an example of how to trust my Father. What a paradox the Incarnation is. What a mystery He has revealed. He is the Hope that the entire world has been waiting for. Yet He didn't come as a ruler - He came as a baby. He came veiled in flesh not as the obvious Ruler of All. The more I understand this, the sweeter Election becomes. Praise be to God who sovereignly ordained all of these details and then for some reason chose at the perfect time to open my eyes to that mystery revealed.

I "heart" my church

in light of a post on the Na blog (http://www.newattitude.org/blog/entry.php?category=Application&id=390) here were some thoughts I had.

I didn't always "heart" my local church. I didn't even want a local church (or God, for that matter). I often say that my church found me. 4 years ago, my life was very different than it is now. It was not characterized by a love for the local church, it was characterized by a love for my own desires.

A friend of mine invited me to this place he refers to as "the dearest place on earth." He told me that it was a place where people loved you for who you were, cared for you and wanted to share something that had radically changed everything about their lives. Having grown up "in church" I wanted nothing to do with this. I laughed at his passion and zeal. I knew what this "Christian thing" was about - it was about putting up a facade and pretending you're okay. It was about an external hope combined with internal emptiness. But you can't talk of the emptiness because then it would reveal to others that the external hope is nothing more than a facade. And God forbid that others knew you had problems. No, I had "done" church before and I wanted no part of it. Despite my resistance, he invited me to church - I didn't come. He invited me again - thankfully by God's grace I came. Mostly the motivation was just to get him off my back, but God was at work behind the scenes in many ways I was unaware of. I thank God often that through that persistence, August 10th 2003 was the start of something I never could have imagined - and something much greater than I could have ever planned.

What I saw at that point was what I called the "5th graders club" - a group of people I had nothing in common with and could not relate to. However God opened my eyes over the following months and years to something more. Through consistent preaching on the Gospel (not only in sermons but also through lives), I have come to see that our commonality is not primarily in our experiences, abilities or preferences; our bond is in Christ. And that bond supercedes any differences we have. It is the ground that we walk on as we work through differences and misunderstandings. What a difference relationships built on the gospel makes! Through Christ, I have received friends much dearer than I ever could have asked for - friends that are willing to ask me the hard questions, that "step on my toes," that love me and that exemplify the sacrificial love of Christ to me daily.

Through God's grace, He opened my eyes to see this love on display and it broke me. But thankfully, He didn't leave me in a broken heap. And it wasn't judgment that broke me - it was the kindness of God that led me to repentence. I never had experienced this before - being motivated by grace not judgment. Being encouraged to change not reminded of the areas that still needed to be changed. Being discipled by others who were more aware of their own sin and need for God than my own.

Through the gospel, I'm now learning to share Christ's love to others just like me - sinful yet redeemed disciples. How humbling. What grace! That He would choose to use me and allow me to be part of His Bride! I don't just "heart" my church - I am grateful daily to God for the work He has done through His Body - for the impact it has had (and continues to have) on me - and for the small part I get to play in that Body on a weekly basis.

Oh, that I might know where I may find Him...

Job 23
Job Replies: Where Is God?

Then Job answered and said: "Today also my complaint is bitter; my hand is heavy on account of my groaning. Oh, that I knew where I might find him, that I might come even to his seat! I would lay my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments. I would know what he would answer me and understand what he would say to me. Would he contend with me in the greatness of his power? No; he would pay attention to me. There an upright man could argue with him, and I would be acquitted forever by my judge. "Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food. But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind. Therefore I am terrified at his presence; when I consider, I am in dread of him. God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me; yet I am not silenced because of the darkness, nor because thick darkness covers my face.

1095 days

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5


I'm amazed at how much God can do in 3 years - 1095 days. yesterday was what would have been my 3 year wedding anniversary. So much could be written about this. I could fill a book with what God has done in the past few years. But I'll simply say - God is gracious, kind and amazing and for that I'm grateful. I can see what He does is out of love and that gives me hope that even now, as I'm "in a fog" that His love motivates me, His love guides me and His love is what ultimately changes me. Soli deo Gloria!

Communion - retreat recap

How is communion with God is possible? Through His word - He has not abandoned us though Jesus is not physically here with us. He has sent a helper (a comforter, an advocate, one who interceeds, one who guides, one who directs).
How does He direct? Through His word. How does He interceed? Through prayer.

Those should be the two items of first priority in my life. Do I hunger daily for the Word like a baby crying uncontrollably for milk? Do I recognize that as my greatest need? When I see God's glory as that of ultimate relevance, everything else becomes meaningless.

"I did not really understand what the gospel was about so therefore there was no change in my life."

1. Growth in godliness. 1 Tim. 4:8
"For while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come."
It does matter how I live my life and what I do. Jesus was not a complainer (Is. 53:7, Mk. 15:5, 1 Pet. 2:23). He didn't demand "his rights." He was a servant to all (Mk. 10:45). Its not about my rights - God put me here to serve others (not Mk. 10:35 rather Mk 10:49).

2. Love my "family." Titus 2:4
"and so train the young women to love their husbands and children."
As a "younger woman" I must place myself in a posture of submission to the older women of the church so that I can learn/ grow from them. We don't have to learn everything the hard way - listen and learn from others. Be patient - change does not happen overnight. Don't rely on your own strength (Prov. 3:5, 1 Cor 1:7-9).

3. Serve the Church. 1 Peter 4:10
"as each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as stewards of God's varied grace."
God, in his grace, does not give each of us the same gifts at the same time. He varies them so that we can effectively serve each other (note: its NOT about me!). I shouldn't be comparing my gifts to others because God in his sovereignty has given me exactly what I need right now. ! Cor. 1:2-3

4. Fellowship with Christians. 1 Jn. 1:7
"But if we walk in the light as He is in the light we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin."
He is the light. There are no shadows or places to hide. It exposes what is truly there. A result of walking with Him is relationships with others on a deeper level. We're all in this together. I need to actively pursue others and mortify my desire to hide (Gen 3:7-10). The cross has destroyed my need to hide (from God or others) because I'm justified before Him and on equal playing field with others. There is no need to fear or be condemned by my conscience (Rom. 8:1-4).

5. Evangelize non-Christians. Mk 16:15
"and He said to them, "Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation"."
God's desire is that the gospel is proclaimed wherever we go. How do we do this? By living a life worthy of the gospel. (Phil 1:27). Jesus has healed us - he has opened our eyes (Mk. 10:45-52). The truth of the gospel has transformed who we are. My responsibility is to live with that always in mind. My response should be an attitude of gratefulness (1 Thes. 5:18, Col. 3:17) that is drastically different from the "what's in it for me" typical complaining attitude of this world. What a great way to show the hope in Christ that passes all human understanding (Phil 4:7).

6. Attend to my work. Col 3:23
"whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men."
The gospel affects every part of my life and everything I do must be for my Savior. His approval is the only one that matters (note that He has created me to work for His approval). I can't be haphazard in my work because he wants it to be whole-heartedly given to him (1 Cor. 10:31).

7. Care for my Physical Body. 1 Cor 6:19
"or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have for God."
He indwells me. He is always with me - wherever I go, He's there. He will not leave us as orphans. He hasn't abandoned us. I wouldn't let the church building fall apart. Why? Because it is a reflection of God. How much more focus then should I put on taking care of my own body as the temple of Christ? Mark 11:15-18.

Application:
Change is a process. Often we are unaware of the steps, but we have the promise that He will complete what He's begun. Don't be discouraged when "change isn't happening" for there is always a hand holding me up and a fire melting my heart of stone. The flame of the cross never burns out. It is never an old story - daily it brings life. Run to the cross. Cling to the life found in this death. Find joy in this upside down kingdom. But don't do it on your own. You must cry out "I believe, help my unbelief." Have hope that He is faithful and will bring you and present you faultless before the throne as you grow in godliness. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Cry with David "great is the Lord" in the midst of trials and uncertainty. Live to give. Don't value return of investment here in this life - eternity is what matters.

The Story of My Life

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:16

The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.

Me?

this past Sunday's sermon was a recap on Mark again but this time with a focus on our mission. What does it mean to be a disciple of Christ? Who is this message for? Is it only for missionaries and evangelists or is it for me to? I've spent so much of my life thinking that the "great commision" was specifically for missionaries. Of course it somehow applies to all of us, but it really was only intended for people going to the Amazon or Africa. As much as that is needed, how much am I missing? Well, when "missions" refers to going overseas and telling others about Christ, its easy to live life "in the future." One day, when I'm ... then I'll ... . But what about today? What do others see from my life now? How am I making disciples today?

My first thought is "um, hello God - I'm not ready for this. Look at my life - its a mess - I sin over and over again, I struggle with stupid sins that I should have victory over. You really want me? Do you know what you're getting?" and yet for some reason He puts people into my life that I'm discipling. I guess whether we know it or not, we're either leading others to love God more or love ourselves, our sin, etc more.