musings on faithfulness...

So, God started this "week" for me on Saturday night by showing me yet again my all-pervasive sin - allowing me to fully glimpse that depravity and then very timely providing me with an answer.

When Rick called and asked me to serve my sweet dear friend Sarah on Saturday night, my first thought was "oh come on... not again... don't you realize I have things to do?... don't you realize I'm "sick of serving"?... how could you impose on me like this at the very last minute?... I have a schedule you know and this request did not come before the 48 hour scheduling deadline." The thoughts continued for several minutes. It's amazing how in a matter of seconds so many wreched thoughts can fill your seemingly "sin-free" mind and create such a vicious downward spiral. So, instead of dealing with it, I pasted an ever-so-genuine smile on my face and headed out to serve. But God in his kindness, knew there was more to the story than I could see.

So, as Sarah and I were leaving the house, she looked at me and said "I sinned when I heard you were coming to pick me up." To which I said "I sinned when I was asked to come pick you up." Wow. There's nothing like starting a conversation with two confessions of "I really didn't want to see you." Thankfully though instead of that reality closing the door to communication and leading to an awkward drive in silence, it wonderfully opened the door to the depths of what was truly going on. Unbeknownst to me, Sarah had received an e-mail early that morning that said "I don't know what's going on, but I'm praying for you, etc..." And then that afternoon, she got a call from someone else stating "I don't know what's going on but I'm praying for you." Oddly enough, I was one of the only people who did know what was going on (hence the reason she didn't want to see me when she heard I was coming to pick her up). So, the drive home turned into a lengthy deep discussion about trusting God despite the "fog" and His faithfulness despite our sin.

We talked several hours that night and then I went home to go to bed. Only I couldn't sleep. God was flooding my mind with verses, poems, and words for Sarah. So, I wrote. And wrote. And at 3 AM finally stopped writing and went to sleep. At 6:30, I got up and headed to worship rehersal. In rehersal, Jim was explaining to us the depths of the song "for You are Holy" and how God's holiness defines everything He is and everything He does. What an encouragement and refresher to my soul those words were. But when we went in to practice with the equipment, everything fell apart. The vocals were a mess, the mix was a mess, and the focus (in my heart) was gone. How timely - God used that 45 minute time-frame to humble me and once again show me my ever-present need for His all-sufficient grace. And to focus my heart's gaze on Him, not the needs of my precious friend. Worship on Sunday was sweet. God was kind and as Lucy says in Prince Caspian "Aslan, you've grown."

This Sunday was the day for Larry's annual trip to see us. For me, that day is always a day of grateful reflection. Four years ago, the Sunday Larry came, was the Sunday I was in Charlotte. That trip was the catalyst leading me to where I am today. But back to now... His sermon was on the magnificence of the grace of Christ compared to the depths of our sin (see previous post for sermon notes). How timely! It's almost like it was planned that way. :) So, on Sunday, after encouraging Sarah to have faith in our faithful God, the tsunami of sin hit my soul - the lack of self control, discipline, lack of service, lack of passion, arrogance and pride, etc. One after another, the waves started coming. And one after another, I found myself being knocked down by the current. Martin Luther said that the entire life of a Christian must be one of repentence. Either I'm in the ditch of wallowing in my sin and inability to save myself or I'm over in the ditch of "pull up your bootstraps and find a way to fix it." How truly that repentence is needed. Daily. Practically minute by minute. But then came to mind a thought that Larry said on Sunday - confession doesn't save anyone. Crying help doesn't save anyone. Christ saves. The cross is what saves - not my desire to "fix it." That's what Paul Baloche's new song "I cling to the cross" is all about - the cross is the only hope there is for saving me.

Since Sunday, I'm once again realizing what a "cast" sheep I am. Without a shepherd, there's no hope for my soul. But His rod and staff - though used for correction at times, are a comfort to me. I'm a far way off from "getting it" but I think by God's grace I'm starting to get it. Funny thing is before this weekend I thought I was doing okay. I'm grateful that God would orchestrate those events to lovingly prove to me otherwise. When I slept through the phone call Monday morning at 5 AM, Sarah's voicemail was a sweet reminder of God's grace despite my insufficiency. What a beautiful way to start the day! How grateful I am that I'm not called to do this alone. How I need the patient, forgiving, to-the-cross-pointing "Sarah's" in my life. And what a joy to know that He will complete what He's begun. What a joy and hope this brings to my parched soul!