You Never Let Go

by Matt Redman

Joy In my Morning

When darkness falls
Temptations call
And all around me seems undone
You hear my pleas
Supply my needs
And tell me of Your wondrous love

You are the joy in my morning
You’re my song of praise
Just like the new day dawning
Flooding my world with grace

Though trials come
And every one
Can take me further from Your truth
You calm my fears
Dry all my tears
And draw me closer, Lord, to You

In You there’s no shadow of turning
Constant in all Your ways
You’re growing my faith and I’m learning to lean
On You all of my days

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Worship (ASCAP)

Amid all the confusion and tangle

(J. R. Miller, "The Beauty of Self-control")

"Hold me up--and I shall be safe!" Psalm 119:117

Certain ancient mariners were accustomed to say, as they put out to sea, "Keep me, O God, for my boat is so small--and the ocean is so great and stormy!"

There could not be a fitter prayer for a Christian--as he sets out in life. The world is vast and full of perils, and a Christian, even the best, is very weak and frail. He has no ability to face the difficulties, the obstacles, the hardships he must face, if he is to pass successfully through life. The world is large, and full of storm and struggle--and only a few get through it safely.

If there were no one greater and stronger than ourselves, into whose keeping we may commit our lives, as we go out to meet the perils--what hope could we have of ever getting through safely?

The Christian cannot guide himself. He cannot master the storms. He cannot shelter himself. "Keep of me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge!" (Psalm 16:1) should be his prayer, not only once when he launches his barque--but daily, hourly.

Christ alone, is able to keep our lives. But does Jesus really care for our little individual lives? Yes! The very thing that Jesus does for us--is to be the keeper of our lives as we pass through the world with its storms and dangers.

Christ alone, is able to guide us. The world is a great mass of tangled paths. They run everywhere, crossing each other in all directions. Hands are forever beckoning us here and there--and we know not which beckoning to follow. Even friendship, loyal as it may be, sincere and sympathetic as it is--lacks wisdom and may guide us mistakenly.

But there is One only whose wisdom is infallible, whose advice never errs--and He is our Guide! There is a little prayer in Psalm 143 which pleads: "Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul." This prayer, if sincere, will always be answered.

We may see no hand leading us. We may hear no voice saying, as we walk in the darkness, "This is the way--walk in it." Yet if we seek divine guidance and accept it implicitly--we shall always have it.

Not only do we have keeping and guidance in Christ--but everything we need on the way--and then eternal blessedness! We may commit our lives into His hands with absolute confidence. He will take us with all our faults and our sins--and will keep us from hurt in all the perils of the way. He will lead us in the right path amid all the confusion and tangle--and then He will bring us to glory!

"To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore!" Jude 1:24-25

This is only a test

I woke up this morning thinking that yesterday must have been a dream. Had God really answered 3 very specific prayers of mine yesterday? One I had been praying about for a year and a half, another for seven months and the third for about a month.

Seriously, God? Is this for real?

But as I was driving to work this morning, I realized this is just another test. In my excitement and joy… as the roller coaster ride is fun this time around, I’m ultimately in the same seat. As I’m letting go of my hold, and enjoying the hills and loops, squealing all the way around, will I continue to trust? Or will I become self-reliant, confident and proud?

I remember telling Matt that I was almost concerned to ask God to heal the migraines from several months ago because it’s easier to trust when I have nothing in myself to rely on. It’s easier to learn in the test of adversity than to trust completely when prosperity floods in. He wisely pointed out that God provides needed grace and strength in times of relief too.

So, here I sit, on “top of the world” still very aware that my world is no bigger than an anthill. My anthill could be squashed tomorrow. I can’t rest there because it’s not permanent. But the Word of my God is. My faithful Provider is. My eternal hope is. My gaze MUST rest there.

God, I need more grace. I desire to pass this test and not be like the Children of Israel or the woman in Ezekiel 16 that was saved from her wallowing, only to rejoice in herself. Once again, I’m asking for more grace. I desperately need it. I desperately need your strength, because I’m so tempted to take the reigns now. Keep them in your Sovereign Hand. By your grace, I desire to pass the test of prosperity… not so that I can say I did it, but so that You, Lord, become bigger to me and to my friends.

Baby Steps

Ever seen the movie "What about Bob"? Bob is psychotic. He visits a psychiatrist who recommends that Bob practices the "baby steps" technique. It looks like this... just put one foot in front of the other. Baby steps out of the office... baby steps into the hall... baby steps into the elevator and so on.

Our Christian life is a lot like that. Its not a sprint, rather a marathon. Anyone can get out on the road and run for 5 minutes - no training necessary. You can just do it and then collapse afterwards never to run again. But to run for an hour takes training. To run a marathon takes significantly even more training. It takes hard work and dedication and the results aren't seen till months after the process begins.

So, God's been working in my heart for a while on what faithfulness to Him as a result of true gospel-motivated change looks like. It does not look like perfection. A baby learning to walk does not wake up one morning, jump out of its crib and run downstairs asking for a bowl of oatmeal. Its gradual. Its progressive. One day he crawls and flops over crying. The next day he crawls a little further. Months later, he walks, holding on to things. Even later, he's toddling along, falling every 2 steps, crying every time he falls. Sometimes he goes back to crawling, sometimes he gets up and takes a few more steps. Eventually, he's running. Its a process that takes years to perfect and if you're my friend Jessica who runs into trees, it takes a lifetime to perfect! :) *sorry Jess!*

But that's the point. There is a joy we find in the process. There is trust learned in the midst of the struggle and the falls. If we woke up one day "running" we would not appreciate the process as God has designed it.

I tend to be so goal focused, that I miss the process. I see sanctification with the end result of glorification and I, in my laziness, want the glorification now. I want the perfection that isn't meant for now. Right now, is the "baby step" process. Right now, He's calling me to learn to say "thank you for the trials. thank you that You have ordained every day."

The ultimate joy will be when I stand face to face with my Heavenly Father and He says to me "welcome home, my good daughter. Welcome home, my faithful servant, Emily. Enter into the joy of eternal bliss and rest forever in My presence." That should motivate me to endure through the "baby steps" of today seeing them as what they are - the beginning easy steps, not a crippling end to the process.

For today, God hasn't called me to perfection. He hasn't called me to strength. He's called me to weakness (as He's graciously pointed out through constant days of pain, countless moments of trust, discouraging moments of seeing my sin, and glorious moments of hearing those words "it is finished"). He doesn't want my strength to come from me, He wants it to come from Him. He doesn't want my confidence to come from my abilities (that He gives and takes), He wants it to come from Him.

But my loving Heavenly "Daddy" knows my heart. He knows I miss German and Spanish. He knows I want to be learning more and teaching again. But He wants to fill that ache with Himself. He knows I want a husband and family. But He wants me to say "God, I'm so happy with You right now. I may be praying in hope that You will change my situation, but I'm resting here because of You. I'm resting in the wilderness confident that I'm not going to burn up from the heat because you're guarding over me. I'm resting in the waves because I know You won't let me drown."

He doesn't command my perfection, but He does command faithful steps - steps empowered by His Spirit. He commands a constant trust in Him as my Provider. His ultimate goal for me now is not perfection, rather trust in the process of stumbling as I'm learning to walk. He expects that when I fall, I get back up again and take 2 more steps.

And like an earthly father, when I fall, He's there to comfort, wipe the tears, stand me back up again and nudge me on to further steps of trust.

God wants me to live today for results I won't see until months later. He wants me to experience the joy in delayed gratification. He is proving Himself to me to be greater than the (fill in the blank answer of the moment). He wants my eyes fixed on Him.

One foot after another... be faithful in the little things...

He wants baby steps.

Trust or Apathy?

*warning* *you are about to enter a rambling journal entry from a slightly warped mind* :)

I don't know what's going on right now in my head (and I'm not talking about the bacterial infection lovingly known as "Mike" - he's still there but is withering, praise God!) What I'm referring to is this - I'm not worrying. I'm not concerned about tomorrow. I'm simply enjoying today. I'm taking things one at a time and that's it. I sat on my bedroom floor last night, completely relaxed just sitting there simply being happy doing nothing. I enjoyed an evening of roasting hot dogs and marshmallows with the kids and had no concern for my pile of dirty laundry. I went to bed early and woke up refreshed (albeit with a wicked headache that was crying for more sleep).

Honestly I don't know if this is what trusting God is (and feels) like. I don't know if I'm resting there or if I'm becoming apathetic. Sometimes I wonder if they can feel the same. Let me explain...

When I'm worrying, I am focused on each detail. I am concerned about every step, wondering what the answer is. I wonder if God has forgotten me and is deaf to my requests. But on the other hand, when I'm trusting, I have the freedom to simply rest in today, trust God as the One in control and find a sweet freedom there as I continue being faithful to each step He's called me to.

The only problem with that is my heart is deceitful. My heart is SO prone to wander. Apathy can also look like "resting in today and having no concern for tomorrow." It can look like "let go and let God." It can look like a desire for too much leisure and no desire to take up my sword and go to battle.

The issue with that is that God has called me to battle. Sure, he's called me to rest in Him, but there is still a warfare going on for the conquest of my soul, my thoughts, my desires, and my will. The battle for my soul was won on the cross when Christ compelled me by the love in the three words "it is finished," but the battle for my will continues daily through this process called sanctification - the process that is transforming selfish, sin-filled me into a daughter of God which miraculously reflects the image of my beautiful Jesus.

I fear I may be neglecting that battle. I wonder if I am beginning to use my physical pain as an excuse to neglect God. My overall devotion to God is there, and by His grace, is growing. But my devotion to the "small" things in life (give 100% in all things, take care of my body as a temple, die to selfishness and pride, yearn for the life-giving Word - thirst for that more than anything, etc) - the devotion is not there like I know it should be.

Now this is the point when I need to remind myself that in spite of ALL my failures, God is faithful. He who began a great work in me WILL complete it. By His grace and through His work, I WILL hear "welcome home, my good and faithful servant" - for when God looks at me, He sees the righteousness of the only Good and Faithful Servant.

But I need more grace. I am needy of the sustaining grace to continue the fight. I don't want to be content with my current status. I want to keep growing. I want God's work to continue transforming me. I need His reviving grace. I need His persevering grace.

Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint." —Isaiah 40:31

"The righteous shall hold on his way." —Job 17:9

"I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you." —John 14:18

Even so, Lord Jesus, COME! Come to this heart that daily turns away. Continue to pursue. Continue to work. Be faithful to what You've promised. Continue what you've begun, for without that continual grace, I am without hope. I am so weak, and even my desire for growth is inhibited by my lack of ability to create the growth that only by your grace I desire. But praise God, my lack of ability is met by an all-sufficient Savior. How I need that all-sufficiency to once again pour its grace into my life. How needy I am each step of the way.

Do not let my heart become apathetic to your grace. Keep me within the distance of the cries of Calvary. Let my hope be in the words you cried that day - "it is finished..." "you will be with Me in Paradise..." "I thirst..." "my God, why have You forsaken Me?..." Sweet Jesus, you thirsted so that I could be filled. You were forsaken, so that I would be a part of the marvelous Family. You gave so that I might receive. Grant me once again, the grace to realize each step is by your grace alone.

Each promise uttered that day on the Cross was because of Your righteousness. Let that provide the hope to my apathetic soul. Let that compel my trust in You. Keep me close to that grace. Provide it, in your mercy, ever-abundantly to this needy soul.

Come Weary Saints - part 2

How do you define a good CD? Is it something that makes you feel good? Is it something that evokes a certain emotion or reaction? Is it something that is pleasing to your ears? What makes it "good"?

I would like to propose that "Come Weary Saints" the newest album by Sovereign Grace Music is a good CD. Good, not because it makes me feel good, but good because of what it is about. I posted earlier this morning about one of the songs. Since then, the CD been on "repeat" in iTunes and has been playing over and over again. Over the next few days, I plan to post in more detail about each of the songs.

One thing I've noticed is that this CD is about hope. But its not about a hope based in the absence of trials, its about finding our hope in Christ - choosing to trust a Hope right in the midst of trials. This hope and peace does not means what the world typically thinks of as hope and peace. Its not a "feel good" thing at all.

Our hope is found in the love of Jesus. My freedom is found in Him, not in the abscence of trials or struggles. The third song on the album "As Long As You Are Glorified" talks about this hope.

It is a song I desperately need to hear over and over again, and a song that my selfish and prideful heart wants to skip. My heart willingly thanks God in times of blessings and days of sunshine and then grumbles when it rains. It is hard to sing wholeheartedly "let your will be done in me - I long for nothing else but that You are glorified." Those words hurt. Those words don't easily roll off my tongue.

They need to be learned. They need to be rehersed. They need practice, for I tend to neglect those words. I forget that my God is sovereign (“Sovereignty is the exclusive right (legal or moral entitlement) to have complete control over an area of governance, people, or oneself. A sovereign is the supreme lawmaking authority, subject to no other.” (definition taken from Wikipedia)). I forget that God is loving. My heart looks away from that Hope. I forget Psalm 23 - that God accompanies in the valleys (2. Cor 12:9, Mk 14:35-36, Lam 3:21-24, Hab 3:17-19) but that He also leads through the valleys (Job 42:12-17, Genesis 45).

I want to learn this lesson. I don't want someone to write about me one day what was written about the children of Israel in Psalm 81.

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Shall I take from your hand your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain?
Shall I thank you for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain?
Shall I love you in times of plenty
Then leave you in days of drought?
Shall I trust when I reap the harvest
But when winter winds blow then doubt?

Oh let your will be done in me
In your love I will abide.
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As you are glorified.

Are you good only when I prosper,
And true only when I’m filled?
Are you King only when I’m carefree,
And God only when I’m well?
You are Good when I’m poor and needy
You are True when I’m parched and dry.
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night.

Oh let your will be done in me
In your love I will abide.
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As you are glorified.

So quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart
In You

Oh let your will be done in me
In your love I will abide.
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As you are glorified.

Written by Mark Altrogge
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Father, give me more grace to trust in You. Let your love compel me to say "no matter what - your will be done." God, your glory is amazing, and I only glimpse the fringes. May my life highlight your glory. May you be satisfied with my sacrifice - not a sacrifice of words, but a sacrifice of praise from a heart that is full of You.

Mike

So, I went to the dr today and apparently migranes are not my problem. I apparently have some kind of infection or parasite in my brain. I've lovingly named him Mike and I want him to die.

I'm on meds now and go back in 6 weeks. I'm hoping and praying this helps. We'll see...

God has been very kind through this. I want that intimate closeness to continue whether the migraines do or not. That would be my prayer. I don't want that sweetness to end with the migraines. And if the migraines don't end, I don't want the sweetness to either. God is good. He is kind and has been patient with my weakness throughout this.

I'm grateful for that. I'm glad for His grace at work. I'm desperately needy for more of it. And thankfully, I have the promise that it will never run dry. That's cool.

day 30

I know God sustains and is bigger than death. I believe that He is good and does not leave us alone in our troubles. that He leads us when we're blind, that he comforts us when we're tired, that he feeds us when we have no money to buy food, he provides when we're needy. i know that. i've experienced all of that in this past month of hell. but i'm struggling to be controlled by what's true vs my emotions.

Emotions:
i'm still discouraged. today its been 30 days - that's not a big deal (but it is). it's a dash. but it feels like forever. talking yesterday with Matthew E. and hearing that my pain has been worse than his was and that it took him 6 months of therapy to recover made me want to scream. or cry.

I’m tired of hurting when there's no reason or explanation as to why this is going on. tired of fighting for a raise that was promised months ago but hasn't come yet. tired of having to always ask for it. tired of still being in limbo with the job thing until my boss hires someone for my current position. tired of taking medicine. tired of being tired. tired of hurting. tired that i can't do the things that i love (singing and german) without it making me hurt worse.

honestly right now i'm feeling like i'm dangling on a little string over a cliff. biblical terms... i'm tired of trusting because i'm tired of my cross. guess i'm tired of where God has me because it sucks and i'm ready for "not sucking" fields of green pastures and streams of still waters. every time i feel God has pushed me so far beyond my limit that it HAS to be the last straw, he throws in another straw. I’ve started a collection now.

Truth:
I lead the blind in ways they do not know.
My grace is sufficient for all your weakness.
It is finished.
Come, you who are thirsty. Come drink. Come buy without money, eat and be satisfied.
I will not leave you
I will not forsake you.
As a man, I can relate to your struggles
As a father pities his children...
Like a loving shepherd, I lead, guide and care for you.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand...

Unfulfilled Expectations

Today is Good Friday, the day we celebrate the awful death of Jesus. We celebrate because of what that day means. But for me, it is also a day of painful introspection - realizing that the body on the cross should have been mine. The voice screaming out as a result of God's forsaken presence - that voice should have been mine. The permanent scars in the hands and feet should be visible in mine. I realize that debt could never be fully paid by me. That punishment would have to be born by me for all eternity. I rejoice, for my Jesus bore my eternal punishment in completeness that day. The debt was exhasuted. That's why, in spite of the awful gory scene, this day is good.

So, as I have been thinking this morning about the last moments of Christ, my mind wandered back to the last week of His life. Last Sunday, was Palm Sunday. The crowds were following Jesus with their expectations.

• Jesus had recently raised Lazarus from the dead and there were HUGE crowds following him around and to greet him in Jerusalem.
• It was Passover and Jerusalem was full of perhaps a million people for this sacred day.
• Jesus created a lot of "buzz" in this crowd. So much that the religious leaders were very worried about his influence on the large crowd.
• The large crowd heard that Jesus was coming and greeted him with palm branches saying, "Hosanna, blessed is he that comes in the name of the Lord."
• The Jews were tired of being subjects of the Roman Empire and thought that Jesus was finally going to pronounce himself as king and crush their adversaries.
• Instead of riding in on a large white horse, or a donkey, Jesus rides into town on the colt of a donkey! His feet were probably dragging on the ground!
• People did not understand.
• Their expectations were not met and many of these same people, in five short days, would be crying, "crucify Him!"

People did not understand this Jesus. On Palm Sunday they were looking to Him to meet their human expectations. He didn't. Fast forward 5 days to today. He disappointed them... they were now crying "crucify." They didn't understand what last Sunday meant. It didn't make sense to them that a conquering king would ride into town on a donkey to overthrow the powerful Roman empire. So they killed him.

Often I don't understand what is happening around me. Jesus in my life can often look as powerless as a simple man on a donkey. And to my shame, my response is often the same as the Jews that week. He didn't meet my expectations - I won't look to Him as Lord. I will look to my own agenda. I will look to find another way to meet my expectations. I won't trust Him because His ways don't make sense to me. The cross He's given me to bear is not the cross I would have chosen; therefore, He is not good or loving or ...

I approach this day, aware that had I been in the crowds that day, I would have been screaming "crucify." The only difference is I was born 2000 years later. But I am no less guilty than they - my heart often crucifies Jesus and removes Him from the place of Master in my life. I approach this weekend, not fully comprehending the man who just hours before the garden, washed the feet of those who that night would desert Him. That is a holy love. To say to traitors "meet me in Galilee" is amazing. Had I been there that evening, I would have also run away in fear.

As I stand at the foot of the cross, I stand here with a contrite heart, seeking forgiveness for my nagging bouts of behavior that resemble distrust and traitorous blasphemy, broken over my shouts of "crucify." But as I look up, I acknowlede that He, the Creator of the universe, is indeed my God and that His death brings life. As I stand here broken over my distrust, convicted over my unfulfilled expectations, I find grace. I find mercy. I find a voice saying "meet me in Galilee, my child - I have greater expectations for you." Christ did not come to meet my needs any more than He came to meet the needs of the Jews that day as they were looking for a conquering King. But He came, bringing exactly what they needed. He came bringing what they didn't even realize to ask for. The implications are truly marvelous. That grace is truly amazing.

"Oh the wonder of the cross. Christ became sin for us. Took my place, bore the wrath, we stand forgiven at the cross."

An Easy Hell

An Easy Hell (by Thomas Watson, from "The Art of Divine Contentment")

"I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know howto have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well-fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need." Philippians 4:11-12

Whatever affliction or trouble a child of God meets with—it is all the hell he shall ever have! Whatever eclipse may be upon his name or estate—it is but a little cloud which will soon be blown over—and then his hell is past!

Death begins a wicked man's hell.
Death ends a godly man's hell.

Think with yourself, "What is my affliction? It is but a temporary hell. Indeed, if all my hell is here on earth—it is but an easy hell. What is the cup of affliction—compared to the cup of damnation!"

Lazarus could not get a crumb; he was so diseased that the dogs took pity on him; and as if they had been his physicians, licked his sores. But this was an easy hell—the angels quickly fetched him out of it! If all our hell is in this life—and in the midst of this hell, we have the love of God—then it is no more hell, but paradise! If all our hell is here on earth, we may see to the end of it; it is but skin-deep, it cannot touch the soul. It is a short-lived hell. After a dreary night of affliction, comes the bright morning of glory!

Since our lives are short—our trials cannot be long! As our riches take wings and fly away—so do our sufferings! Let us learn then, to be content, whatever our circumstances.

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this article was very helpful to me this morning when I read it. the last few weeks in my life really have been hell - whether its being pushed beyond my limits physically or out of my comfort zone by placing me in someone else's house with someone else's responsiblitiy or the unrest and uncertainty at work right now that seems never ending...

this has really been by far the hardest time of my Christian life so far. its been extreme and severe and roller-coastery and so on. and when it seems to be calming down, it picks right back up again. minute by minute, it has been a choice to either give in to my emotions and fears or to choose to resist that temptation from Satan and instead place my hope in Christ.

i'm fighting to place my hope in God. the command to place our hope in God tells me that it doesn't go there by default. I have to work to put my full reliance on my Savior as the answer to my problems and discouragement. that's a struggle. its a war and i can tell physical effects on my body and mind. but I am grateful for the reminder that this will have an end. this is hard. but there is a hope that this life is the worst I'll experience because I'm in union with Christ.

that union means I'm secure now amidst the unrest (even when I don't feel it) and that I have hope for the future (even when I don't see it). I won't "fall off the roller coaster" because I'm securely strapped in the arms of my powerful Physician Jesus who lovingly protects me from all harm. I won't "drown in the waves" because I'm held by a loving Father who won't let me sink under the overwhelming, powerful waves that keep assaulting my every breath. I won't fail in this trial because my confidence lies in the fact that I have a Guarantor of my faith.

My Jesus and the Holy Spirit will continue to sustain me throughout these (and future) trials and I have the promise that He will complete what He's started in me and that He will sustain me through the end. I'm weak. I'm dependent. But He's powerful and strong. So, even through this temporary "hell" I have the hope and confidence that I can choose to rejoice in the God of my salvation as the Rock that supports me through all trials.

Hope in Affliction

He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains.

Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked. Like a bear lying in wait, like a lion in hiding, he dragged me from the path and mangled me and left me without help.

I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD." I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust—
there may yet be hope. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come? Why should any living man complain
when punished for his sins? Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.

I called on your name, O LORD, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: "Do not close your ears to my cry for relief." You came near when I called you, and you said, "Do not fear."

O Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life. You have seen, O LORD, the wrong done to me. Uphold my cause!

excerpts from Lamentations 3

Praise God for 60%

Electrical stimulation therapy... i think that's what they call it. its like a little drill with 2 rounded heads on it that go on either side of your upper spine and then pumps electrical currents into your body.

i call it an answer to prayer (even if only temporary). God is kind. The past 2 days have been significantly better than the previous 18. After functioning 18 days at 10%, seeing a 50% improvement is really a gift from God. I'm grateful for 60%.

still very aware of my limitation and confident that the migraine is still there (but simply shocked for a while), but nonetheless grateful for small gifts. God's mercy is on display in my heart right now. His mercy - giving me a day with minimized pain. I really do love Him more than I did a month ago. He's bigger. exponentially.

Like Eustace, I can't peel my dragon layers off... Like Lucy, when I come back and see another glimpse its like "Aslan, my how you've grown" "No, my child. I'm the same size. But as you get older, I grow larger in your eyes." Either way... He's growing in my eyes. not that I've achieved. or am even close...

Matt asked us in care group last week if we had a time when our relationship with God was especially sweet and where there was an extraordinary depth and specialness present. That's been the last month or so for me. This has been sweet. I pray that sweetness continues even if the migraines don't. And I'm really praying they don't. I don't like this and wouldn't have picked it. But in spite of that, there is a special, almost holy sweetness. Times of suffering can be sweet fellowship and growth periods, but oh, to have that same growth and desire during times of ease. I think that requires an extra measure of grace. to feel strong yet continue to acknowledge our neediness. that's not a natural human reaction.

How I long for the day when I will be ruled by truth rather than emotions. My feelings affect so much. the Bible rarely affects to the same effect. I pray that those 2 roles become reversed - that the living words from the Lover of my soul would constantly define and drive me instead of the absence or presence of pain.

i was reminded this morning of the verse "draw near to God and He will draw near to you." What a comfort! As I stumble and bumble anlong, He is guiding each step of the way. As I fail, He is faithful. As I'm hopeless, He reminds me of the hope that can truly only be found in Him. And as I draw near (only through the grace He's imparted to me and through the enablement He's already given me), He continues to reveal more and more layers and depths of His beautiful character.

How cool to know that will never be exhausted. I can't ever draw so near that "i've reached the end." The end is coming. But not here. Not now. I'll always be pursuing. And as I do, He'll simultaneously always be drawing and revealing. But its all because of His grace. All because of His mercy. And all through His work and power.

Update on head... and heart...

This was an e-mail I just sent to some of my friends... Thought I'd post it here so I can one day go back and read all these thoughts together in one place.
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Hi friends...
Wanted to send you all an update (so you'll know how to pray, and so I'll learn how to better keep my friends involved in what's going on in my life.)

My head is about the same. The nausea has been constant. The auras have been fewer (about one a day on average). The migraine pain has been constant but I have had a few hours of slight relief (pain level goes down a few points but never truly goes away). These times tend to be only after I have slept for a few hours and they tend to last no more than an hour or so.

But praise God, I had a brief time on Sunday night and Monday night where I was able to function more than I have been able up to this point.. But I've also found that after those times, I find the next day tends to be worse. During the day the pain has been about the same though (ranging from an 8 to a 10). The numbness creates awkwardness when I type. And cold hands. That makes the rest of me cold. But I can bundle up in sweaters (which I have been doing) so that's not that big of a deal.

The chiropractor wants a second MRI - this time of my neck and upper back - to make sure there's nothing there that could be causing the numbness and migraines since the brain MRI came back normal. I should hopefully find out today when I go see him when the MRI is scheduled for. I'm praying its soon. I'm trying not to take the pain medicine simply because I don't want to become dependent on narcotic pain killers. And since they don't fully take the pain away and I'm not technically supposed to work or drive when I'm taking them, I'm avoiding it as much as possible. I'm still taking a few a day to simply manage but not as much as is prescribed.

Please pray because effective next Monday, I will be taking on a new position at work (and I may have to work some this weekend to prepare). This position will be about 30% what I'm currently doing and 70% new things to learn. We have a workshop the first 3 days of next week that I have to be at, so I had no other choice but to postpone the neurologist's appointment to the 27th. Please pray that I will be able to focus during the workshop, since a good portion of it will be in German. Right now, as I think about that, I simply want to cry. But I'm excited about this new job and what it will mean for me here, but its also overwhelming.

I know that God's timing is perfect (I've been hoping for this job for a few months now) and that His grace that has sustained me far beyond my own ability, will continue to sustain as I embark on yet another unknown and scary bend in the road. He's been constant and good.

I am choosing to plant my feet on that Rock of consistency instead of my feelings of overwhelming horror, fear and discouragement. But I am genuinely concerned about being able to comprehend and understand all the new tasks I'll be doing. Since it is brand new position that no one is currently doing, there will be very little training except from the manager (who is busy with a million other things too). So, a lot of the new job will be jumping in with both feet and seeking to learn as much as I can during the workshop.

Another big request is this. I am house sitting for a coworker who is in Germany until the 24th. I've been there since last Thursday. She has a dog and a cat. It appears that I am allergic to the cat. I am taking allergy medicine to help compensate but please pray that I would not have a severe reaction to the sweet darling means of sanctification in my life (have I mentioned that I really hate cats?? Sorry Christa - don't take it personally) =(. So far, its been only sinus pressure, runny nose, itchy eyes and shortness of breath. But that combined with a migraine, is a lot to bear. And I don't know if I can mix the allergy medicine with the pain and nausea medicine. Please pray that the allergies would not bother me (or rather, that they would stop bothering me)

If I could wake up tomorrow pain free, that would be so great! =) That is my prayer but not my hope. My hope is that God is holding me as I'm spinning 100 mph on this roller coaster we call life. My hope is that through this, God will teach me trust in Him (as a loving, faithful, intimate Provider) and not my circumstances.

My prayer is that when the next trial comes - one that truly changes my life, that I could confidently say "you give and take away but my heart will choose to say blessed be your name." My prayer is that I will rejoice in my weakness because it's a time for me to gloriously see God's greatness and power on display. My hope is that though I can't do this and though I know I can't fully trust God wholly, that He is sustaining and keeping me, in spite of my weakness and inability to trust.

So, thanks. Thanks for your friendship. Thanks for your encouragement to this little stone. Thanks for patiently enduring with me. Thanks for loving me. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Lord willing, I'll see you all on Friday.
Em

In my heart

My head hurts to the point where I can't focus or concentrate when I try to read. So, I've stopped trying. I haven't read a book since February 22nd. For most people, that's not a big deal... its only 17 days... for me, its an eternity. I haven't opened a Spanish book or a German book or even a music book. I rarely even read blogs anymore. I haven't listened to a CD unless its extremely quiet to the point where its almost useless because you can't hear what is being sung anyways.

I can still type because I don't look at what I'm typing, my fingers simply produce on paper what is otherwise locked in this abyss of random thoughts and figures. They provide a helpful escape to my head that otherwise wants to simply scream. ahh. words on paper. coherent thoughts... *feelings of warm-fuzzies running through my veins*

I'm glad I've memorized portions of the Bible... its times like this that those verses have comforted me. And provoked. And challenged. And yelled at. And comforted again. Verses like Romans 6 and 1st Peter 1 and random parts of Galatians and Ephesians and Mark. And other various passages too like the Psalms 84 and 139 and Ezekiel 16 and Job 23.

This time has forced me to focus on what I already know and seek to apply it. Focus on the "good-old" passages like "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." How rich! And, sadly, how often overlooked to find yet another "new" and "helpful" nugget. I'm grateful for this old "nugget." This one specifically has been so pervasive in my thoughts lately.

Why? Probably because I'm more aware of my weakness. Perhaps because I'm seeing more of His strength so magnificently and gloriously on display. Its a comfort. His grace is sufficient. Sufficient for all my deficiencies. Covers all my sin. ALL! But its provoking as well. Provoking because I detest weakness. In my pride, I think I should be strong. I try to find ways to make myself strong.

And He says instead...

• be weak... that's when you glory in my strength
• rejoice in infirmities... because then you are rejoicing in me not in your ability
• hope in me... if you hope in your ability, its like hoping in a sand castle on the beach - it took time and detail to build, but can be destroyed by simply one wave...
• trust in the Rock... trust in the Unfailing Hope... I'll never ever fail...

that's what our weakness does ... that's why we're command to rejoice in it.

Waiting... in hope

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness...

not a hope in a pain free day... a hope as a result of my salvation as a work of Christ alone on the cross.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name...

I can't trust my own ability. I can't trust my health. But I can trust His promises. They never ever change though my feelings do.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand all other ground is sinking sand.

My hope is not dependent on my trust. Or my circumstances. It is wholly reliant on the Rock that is under me. The support that I'm so often unaware of. Everything else, everything other than the Unchanging Eternal All-Powerful God, the Creator of the Universe and Lover of my soul, everything else is temporary. It may be pretty like a sand castle on the beach but when the waves come, that beauty and "fortress" of sand is washed away. My trust is in a Rock that is greater than any storm. A Fortress that is "mighty to save."

Rejoicing when the answer is "No" (update on my head (and heart))

I'm sitting here in tears. The tears are a mixture of overwhelmedness (is that a word?) and fear (lack of trusting God) and joy and simply because tears seem to be the appropriate response right now. Here's what that means to me...

I had an MRI done this morning of my brain. Let me start by saying, God was immensely gracious. I was for lack of a better explanation "freaking out" this morning thinking about being stuck motionless in a little tube for 30 minutes. And then when I got there, I found out we didn't acutally have enough time for me to have any medicine to help sedate me and calm me down. My first thought was "crap... I can't do this." Then my mind flashed back to Sunday 2 weeks ago when Katie posted a note on my music stand right before the worship set began. The note was "His strength is made perfect in weakness." How timely that note was. For many reasons unknown at that time... Over the last 2 weeks, that one note, handwritten on scratch paper has been used countless times to encourage me and ever-increasingly build my faith. How grateful I am to have had that one bit of Scripture to apply to my life right now. So, back to the story...

I'm freaking out (emotional response) while being reminded of the truth (non-emotional, non-changing truth). What that verse said to me sitting in that chair as a needle was being placed in my arm and I could literally feel my heart start beating faster was this "Emily - you're right. You will freak out. But I'm here. And I'm not freaking out. I can handle this. And since I'm here, that means you can handle this. Calm down and trust. I'm good and it will be okay." Wanna know what applying Scripture looks like? Wasn't thinking through this at the time, but that's what it looks like. That's how it worked today for me.

So, they tell me when its time to go in, and i lay down on this little table that eventually is moved into the MRI tube. I quickly shut my eyes, in disbelief and literal horror that they are really about to stick me in this noisy cold contraption. The technician tells me it will take approximately 17 minutes for the first part and then they will pull me out, and inject a "contrast liquid" into the needle and tube precariously poking out of my arm and then put me back in and we will start the process over again. By God's grace, the first thing that came to my mind was "17 minutes is how long Jim said it takes for an average reader to read through the entire book of 1st Peter." That prompted my soul to begin quoting the book to myself (at least the portion of the book that i currently have memorized). So, I start with "Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ..." I think it was not long after that that I started crying on the table. Not crying because of the extremely loud noises that were encompassing my already-pounding and aching head. But crying in gratefulness. Grateful that my sweet Jesus wasn't leaving me alone in my fear, in this little encompassing tube of noise and terror, but that He was present there with me. He was holding my cold hand that I was trying desperately to keep from shaking. He was comforting me through His living, breathing words. How grateful I am that I've been working to memorize the book. And how kind of God to allow certain passages to come back to my mind today in this time of my need.

Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ... (I've been called too. I'm as rebellious and cold-hearted as Peter was. Isn't God amazing... that He would choose me...)
... to the elect exiles ... (I might be an exile... i might be in this foreign place ... but I'm elect ... I'm chosen... I'm not alone... I'm HIS!... this is cool and I don't quite get it)
... by the foreknowledge of God the Father... (this isn't a surprise to God... He knew on the day He created the world (even beforehand) that this day would take place in my life. He planned for me to be suffering right now with unexplained migraines and pushed beyond my limit of control and ability. But He's my Father. He's not pushing me to harm me in any way. He's pushing me to increase my confidence in Him)
... through the sanctification of the Spirit... (this power... this SAME POWER that raised my sweet Jesus from the dead... that SAME POWER is right here... RIGHT NOW! with me... in my little wilderness of confusion and uncertainty. He's sanctifying me right here, right now in my weakness...)
... by the obedience of Jesus Christ and through the sprinkling of His blood... (Jesus obeyed. I'm commanded to be like Him. Its possible even in my weakness and lack of trust to choose to obey right now. Right now obedience looks like staying calm, keeping my eyes shut so I don't freak out and trusting Him to empower me to do that because all I want to do is cry and scream like a little baby... but because He obeyed... because of His blood, I've been given that same ability. I can obey. I can make it through this. I don't have to be held captive by my fear. Romans 6 says I'm not a slave anymore. I can choose otherwise - there's another option than the passions of my former ignorance - passions of fear and unbelief.)
... may grace and peace be multiplied to you. (multiplication takes my little puny effort and increases it exponentially. it takes my little pea of effort and creates a smorgasbord of ability. His grace empowers. His peace comforts.)
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to His great mercy He has caused us to be born again to a living hope... (this living hope is not dependent on the results of this MRI. This hope is ouside of Emily's little realm. It's greater. I can bless God no matter what because of this hope. I can rejoice no matter what because this is true.)
... to an inheritance that is imperishable... (I'm free. I'm rich. I've been given everything. i don't understand that. this is overwhelming)
... kept in heaven for you... (wonder how soon I'm gonna see that? it could be soon depending on what the drs say about the test results... that would be really amazing... i'm okay with that...)
... in this you rejoice though now for a little while you have been grieved by various trials... (God in His mercy doesn't give us each the same trial. He gives us the trial or blessing we need at that time. I can rejoice even in trials because I know a really really personal God that even chooses trials and pain based on what is best for me. He not only gives us hope in our future inheritance, He also empowers us to endure what He's calling us to now.)
... so that the tested genuineness of your faith may be found... (this trial is proving to me and to others the all-sufficiency of my Christ in my life. I'm learning by this trial... by the noises of this MRI machine that I'm in right now in the midst of a horrible body-wrenching migraine... that He is good. That my faith is real. I'm seeing right now how my faith is genuine. What a cool glimpse. This faith, this gospel, this belief really DOES stand firm in the midst of the fire. It REALLY WORKS! How cool to get to experience that power.)
...therefore preparing your minds for action ... (well, I'm already mid-battle... but I can still be prepared. This is war. This is a war to trust God vs what I feel. I feel overwhelmed. God says "I am sufficient." I feel discouraged. God says "I'm your hope")
... so that your faith and your hope are in God. (that's the goal. that's the main thing. that's what I'm commanded to keep central. A hope in God - a loving Father and Friend and Comfortor, not a hope in a good result only - though I am praying for a good result)

At this point, the technician pulled me out of the machine and inserted the "contrast liquid" into that ever-so-precarious needle sticking from my vein in my arm. I think that's when the real trial began. As he pushed me back into the tube, I began to get very very nautious. I honestly thought I was going to have to ask him to pull me out so I could throw up. It was bad. I kept swallowing, nervously thinking I was shaking too much and that would only prolong the entire process. "grace made perfect in need... strength in weakness... rich in my poverty... His righteousness imparted to me... His power at work right here right now to sustain... the same power that raised Christ from the dead is working in me right now to do what He's called me to do right here right now" These were cross-centered MRI thoughts that only came as a result of God's grace supernaturally at work in my tension-wracked anxious heart. All praise be to God that He empowered me to somehow swallow and choke back the nausea without having to stop the test.

What a kind "Daddy" I have. I'm grateful. I love Him more as a result than I did this morning. Though I'm discouraged with the test results, I can truly say I'm grateful. He has spared me from a tumor or cancer or other life-threatening situation. He has given me another "square one." Though I'm fearful to start over with no apparent reasons for what's been going on in my body, He won't stop sustaining now. He is good. Though I was praying for a cut and dry answer of "oh, now we understand... this is what is causing the pain... let's go in and fix it and then you'll be okay with no more struggles or pain or anything," He knows that's not what's best. He knows what is wrong in my body and He will sustain me until either the day it is resolved or until the day I die. Either way... either path... either result, He is there. And He will provide just enough light for me to take one more step in faith... and then one more again... and then...

The next step looks like... make it through this weekend... try to research and find out what else could be causing this... "TRUST IN ME"... beg my Physician for a cure... trust in Him even if no cure comes... quit comparing myself to other people's trials and rejoice in the all-sustaining Grace He's providing for me right now where I am in my current weakness. Love and whole-heartedly embrace this current weakness because it points me to Him. Be confused and discouraged as necessary but let that only point me to the throne of Grace where I have been promised (and consistently already shown) help in my time of need.

I can honestly say that I'm okay with "no." I was praying for "yes." I'm discouraged with "no" but I know my God wouldn't have given that answer unless it was the best answer possible from an all-loving, all-knowing Father who pities His children and rejoices in giving good gifts. So, with that in mind, I can be confident that "no" is a good gift. that "yes" would not have been. And that He will continue to support and impart grace as we encounter who knows how many more "yes's" and "no's."

I know that no matter what God is at the bottom of it all. My God is sovereign. That is a comfort. I'm weak and that's what's best. He will, like a flower garden in the spring, continue to unveil more depth to His beauty and greatness as I delve deeper into that garden of His great unsearchable character. He is not limited by a "no" on an MRI. He could heal me today. He could choose never to heal me. But I am confident in this... He will be with me, carrying me each step of the uncertain way. And nothing that I feel, and no tears of unbelief and fear that I cry will change that. He is constant. He is sustaining. That alone is my hope. That is my only source of confidence and my only reason for joy. But that's so much more than enough.

Trusting God

"I realized anew that, just as we must learn to obey God one choice at a time, we must also learn to trust God one circumstance at a time. Trusting God is not a matter of my feelings but of my will. I never feel like trusting God when adversity strikes, but I can choose to do so even when I don't feel like it. That act of the will, though, must be based on belief, and belief must be based on truth."

taken from "Trusting God" by Jerry Bridges

update

Hi all,

I wanted to give you a quick update on how I've been doing. The migraine pain has changed from numerous episodes throughout the day to pretty much a constant pain. I have been experiencing nausea, auras and numbness (in my shoulders and arms) pretty much every day this week. None of the medicine up to this point or the chiropractic adjustments have been working (I've gone 3x to the dr and 4x to the chiropractor).

Both the Dr and the Chiropractor have requested that I have an MRI done of my brain ASAP to make sure it is nothing like a cyst or tumor or worse. The MRI is scheduled for tomorrow at 11:30 down by Greenville Memorial.

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. You guys are awesome! =) I think my biggest fear right now is that they do the MRI and it comes back normal - then we're back to square one. So, even though it sounds crazy to say "I hope they find something"… um… I kinda hope they find something.

I'm doing better today than I was yesterday with discouragement and trusting God's sovereignty. Yesterday was by far the hardest day so far. But thankfully God (and many of you) have been reminding me to look up. Thanks for that. I’m so grateful for each of you.

I’m hoping to be at care group tomorrow night and hoping by then to have some kind of update on what's going on.
Thanks!
Emily

words of advice from CJ, DA and DP

exerpts from CJ's blog (including quotes from DA Carson and David Powlison)

Philippians 4:4—“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice” (ESV).

I find this verse easy to ignore in the midst of adversity. But I must not ignore this verse or assume that this passage doesn’t apply to me. It does. God has given this verse to us for the good of our soul and, ultimately, for his glory.

This approach of focusing on one specific passage in counseling settings is one I learned from my friend David Powlison, articulated in his article “Think Globally, Act Locally.” He writes,

In a nutshell, connect one bit of Scripture to one bit of life. In other words, always ask two questions for yourself and others: What is your current struggle? What about God in Christ connects to this? … Apply one relevant thing from our Redeemer to one significant scene in this person’s story. Bring one bit of Bible to one bit of life. You can’t say it all at once. (The Journal of Biblical Counseling, Fall 2003, p. 3)

D.A. Carson’s comments on the verse from his book Basics for Believers: An Exposition of Philippians (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 1996):

The ultimate ground of our rejoicing can never be our circumstances, even though we as Christians recognize that our circumstances are providentially arranged. If our joy derives primarily from our circumstances, then when our circumstances change, we will be miserable. Our delight must be in the Lord himself. That is what enables us to live with joy above our circumstances. As Nehemiah puts it, “The joy of the Lord is your strength” (Neh. 8:10). Perhaps that is one of the reasons why the Lord sometimes allows miserable circumstances to lash us—that we may learn this lesson.…Whatever the mysteries of evil and sorrow, they do have the salutary effect of helping believers to shift the ground of their joy from created things to the Creator, from the temporary to the eternal, from jingoism to Jesus, from consumption to God. (p. 106)

How about you? Are you personally experiencing a season of adversity with no end in sight? If so, rather than peering into the future trying to predict the concluding date of the trial, I recommend you look down and then up.

Look down and realize a transition is under way to shift the ground of your joy “from created things to the Creator.” Then look up and delight in the Lord himself. Contemplate his changeless character and the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross. Then—dependent upon God’s grace—obey this command given for our good and his glory. Rejoice as you realize afresh you are doing much better than you deserve.

This will not alter the severity of your trial, but it will transform your perspective and strengthen your soul for the trial.