Yo-Yo

... a picture of my life lately.

thanks Christa and Jess... yesterday was encouraging. today however...

*sigh*

I am so glad that my Jesus is holding my yo-yo of life. He is sovereignly ordaining each up and each down. He is full of love and compassion and each day I take a breath is a testimony of that.

So, in the midst of a "down" today, I am seeking to be grateful. Grateful because I have received mercy. Grateful because I have a Savior that has compassion on me in my weakness. Grateful because He has promised mercy and help in my times of need.

So, God, help. I need mercy. Again. I don't deserve it. But I guess that's the point...

Valley

I woke up this morning not feeling well, completely giving into worry and feeling overwhelmed. I stayed up way too late working on an OSM project and didn't want to get out of bed this morning... my head and leg are hurting... my eye still burns from when I accidentally got rubbing alcohol in it last Friday at work. can you say ow-ie? i can!

That's how I feel.

But this is what is true...

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah

One thing God has spoken, two things have I heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done.
Psalm 62

Closed Doors

My job seems to be a continual pattern of closed doors. I suppose I should rejoice, for this is an answer, but it's difficult when 8x in a year, the answer is no. My boss did a good job explaining why and I do not take it personally (and now have some areas to work on improving) but nonetheless, "no" is difficult to hear so often.

The reason has been different each time, therefore my only conclusion can be that this is God's will for me right now and that in whatever state I am, I must learn to be content (not simply for "doings" sake but because I know that no matter what state I'm in, He is with me).

"For I lead the blind in ways that they do not know, in paths that they have not gone, I guide them. I turn the rough places before them into level ground. These are the things I do; I do not forsake them."

I'm not forsaken. Stuck behind the same door, stuck in the same room, stuck in limbo, I am not forsaken. Still wondering why and when, God is saying "I'm here, I haven't left you alone to figure this out on your own. I'm guiding. I'm leading. And I'm comforting."

That must be and remain my comfort. If it is not, then I start to question and accuse God. Job questioned God and was met by the all-powerful Creator. That all-powerful God is the same one holding back right now. He's the same one closing the doors in front of me. He's the same one not opening other doors I long to walk through.

But, keeping this in perspective, I don't deserve a new job. I don't deserve better pay. I deserve hell. And God opened the greatest door in all of eternity - the door to eternal life, rest and complete fulfillment in Him.

With that in mind, how can I complain. In light of eternity, how can I question. God has been so kind - eternally, immensely kind. He's right now preparing a place for me - a filthy, vile sinner who is justified not by my own merit, but by the righeousness of His Son.

That's why our lives are commanded to be a sacrifice of praise. I don't wan"t to sacrifice that right now. I want to lament. I want to cry.

But He says - NO!!! Grab your soul - arrest your mind and focus it on me. Don't give in to the devil's lie that you deserved this and I'm unkind in withholding it from you. Focus on truth - I loved you so much (and continue to love you) that I gave ALL for you - I sacrificed with JOY for your good. Rest there. Rejoice in that truth.

Let your conduct be the same as mine - offering up sacrifices of praise to God when your circumstances deem the opposite. That's how I receive glory here - through yet another closed door. That's where the world will see your differences and glorify me. Trust me, my child. I know what I'm doing."

grace for the weary

i'm listening to the Come Weary Saints cd right now while I'm sitting in my favorite spot in my room (on the floor leaning up against my recliner, laptop in my lap, water bottle next to me. Why I don't ever sit IN my recliner I'm not really sure).

I'm tired. Both physically and emotionally I'm worn out. It was a long week. There are a plethora of thoughts swarming in my mind.

I just got done having dinner with my family to celebrate my mom's birthday. I love them dearly, but our times together always leave me sad. There's a level of depth and communion that just isn't there like exists with my church family and friends and that affects everything. Its just not "home" when we're together.

I wish it weren't so. It hurts so deeply. I pray every day for resolution - I pray every day for sweet relationships and fellowship as fellow believers (albeit disagreeing in areas).

I know He can. I pray He does.

I struggle with seeing families in my church that have what I long for. My heart wants to accuse God. With tear filled eyes and an aching heart, I so desperately want to question why. And He says simply "come - I'll give your weary heart rest. Trust me. I'm sovereign and loving and good and have ordained each step of your life and each person in your life for my glory and your good."

That's a hard pill to swallow at times. I want my parents to talk to my grandparents again. I want my mom to talk to her brother. I want to be able to mention the name "dave" to my family without a wall going up. I want us all as Christians to experience sweet unity because of the cross. I don't understand why it doesn't happen. I don't understand how this can be God's will. I don't understand why He doesn't allow for restoration and healing. I don't know why family times are always accompanied by a big pink elephant. I want to know why.

And God simply says "Emily, I'm good. I haven't forgotten your prayers. I've seen every tear that has fallen. I know every hurt you've never spoken of. I've heard each cry. So, trus - trust in ME my child. I really do care."

I'm weary. I need grace. I need a reminder of my Shelter from the storms because the storms are pounding down on my heart right now. But I know that God is my answer, not restored relationships. He's greater than that. My confidence is not that one day I may have a family with no struggles, rather its that I serve a God who cares about these things.

I belong to a Father that never fails. I have a daddy who lavishes overabundant grace every day. Grace to endure trials. trials like family problems. Grace for surface relationships. Grace for a heart that wants more and doesn't know if it will ever happen. Grace from a God who is not surprised by this trial.

Grace for the weary.

day 30

I know God sustains and is bigger than death. I believe that He is good and does not leave us alone in our troubles. that He leads us when we're blind, that he comforts us when we're tired, that he feeds us when we have no money to buy food, he provides when we're needy. i know that. i've experienced all of that in this past month of hell. but i'm struggling to be controlled by what's true vs my emotions.

Emotions:
i'm still discouraged. today its been 30 days - that's not a big deal (but it is). it's a dash. but it feels like forever. talking yesterday with Matthew E. and hearing that my pain has been worse than his was and that it took him 6 months of therapy to recover made me want to scream. or cry.

I’m tired of hurting when there's no reason or explanation as to why this is going on. tired of fighting for a raise that was promised months ago but hasn't come yet. tired of having to always ask for it. tired of still being in limbo with the job thing until my boss hires someone for my current position. tired of taking medicine. tired of being tired. tired of hurting. tired that i can't do the things that i love (singing and german) without it making me hurt worse.

honestly right now i'm feeling like i'm dangling on a little string over a cliff. biblical terms... i'm tired of trusting because i'm tired of my cross. guess i'm tired of where God has me because it sucks and i'm ready for "not sucking" fields of green pastures and streams of still waters. every time i feel God has pushed me so far beyond my limit that it HAS to be the last straw, he throws in another straw. I’ve started a collection now.

Truth:
I lead the blind in ways they do not know.
My grace is sufficient for all your weakness.
It is finished.
Come, you who are thirsty. Come drink. Come buy without money, eat and be satisfied.
I will not leave you
I will not forsake you.
As a man, I can relate to your struggles
As a father pities his children...
Like a loving shepherd, I lead, guide and care for you.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand...

Embracing Accusations

I first heard this song a few weeks ago at the Shane & Shane concert. The words are powerful. I am cursed and gone astray... the devil is correct in that accusation. But that's not the end of the story...

Midnight

Midnight in a prison. not a place and time you typically hear singing. But that's what Paul and Silas did in Acts 16:16-25.

It's midnight right now. I should be singing. Yet I'm lamenting. I'm sorrowing. I'm focusing on the muck and mire failing to look up and see the cross. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of ups and downs. Though the ups are nice, it makes the downs even harder. I’m sick of hard. I’m weary and tired.

I fear this is judgment of sin. Yet i know that to be untrue. I know that is an accusation from Satan because he wants me to run from God at this moment when I need my Savior the most. My feelings tell me to run and hide. Its funny, the words I was using to encourage Sarah to trust her Savior just this morning are stinging in my tear-filled eyes now only 13 hours later. My heart says "Emily - God is angry with you for your foolish idolatry and stubborn lack of dependence on Him therefore He is cursing you. Because He's angry, you must now pay. And payment is going to mean pain. Pain and hurting and sorrow and crying and loneliness and despair and then once you've done that enough, maybe then He'll remove the pain. But maybe He won't. He is unchangeable and you don't know his ways." I'm back to Job 23...

"…But he is unchangeable, what he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind. Therefore I am terrified at his presence; when I consider, I am in dread of him. God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me…"

“many such things are in his mind.” Many things??? I’ve had enough already. God, didn’t you know that what happened last night was simply too much for me? Didn’t you know I’m already at the end of my rope, only desperately trying to hold on? Did you forget the previous 3 weeks and what is coming next week too? Um… bad timing God. Did you fall asleep or just turn away or are you really vindictive like this? Was this supposed to sting so severely? And you have more of this? No wonder Job was in dread. I am too.

But God says rejoice when you are in trials. Shout with praises of thanksgiving. Be glad for what trials come your way – for they point you to the cross. My only hope lies in the cross of my Christ. The cross of suffering and pain and death. The cross where He forever proved His mercy and love. That place where he poured out ALL his wrath. There is NO WRATH left for me. It was completely taken by my Jesus. It’s done. I have hope even in my prison midnightness because there’s a God at work. And though my conscious condemns me, my Jesus is greater than that. I can embrace these accusations from Satan because I know the next verse.

I’m reminded of the words of an old song I used to sing… “though its midnight in the prison, my loving Father reigns in Heaven. His arms enfold me. The bars can’t hold me. As I lift my voice and sing this song of praise. Though my body’s held in shackles, Christ has set my spirit free. Chains are broken. Doors fly open. Though its midnight...”

and another song... "The devil’s singing over me an age old song. That I am cursed and gone astray. Singing the first verse so conveniently over me, He’s forgotten the refrain... Jesus saves!"

My body is in shackles. Yet my spirit is free. That’s why even when my body cries for lamentation and sorrow, I can rejoice. I can hope because my hope is in a Redeemer who has saved and conquered. Though I don’t feel like singing, I can either choose to give in to Satan’s accusations, or I can choose to rejoice in light of the cross. Though I don’t understand and though I am fearful… “at times when I’m afraid, I will put my hope in you.” So, when Idon't want to or feel able to... I still have the power to resist the devil's accusations because Christ is at work in me.

Can Someone Please Stop the Ride? I think I'm gonna throw up...

Rejoicing when the answer is "No" (update on my head (and heart))

I'm sitting here in tears. The tears are a mixture of overwhelmedness (is that a word?) and fear (lack of trusting God) and joy and simply because tears seem to be the appropriate response right now. Here's what that means to me...

I had an MRI done this morning of my brain. Let me start by saying, God was immensely gracious. I was for lack of a better explanation "freaking out" this morning thinking about being stuck motionless in a little tube for 30 minutes. And then when I got there, I found out we didn't acutally have enough time for me to have any medicine to help sedate me and calm me down. My first thought was "crap... I can't do this." Then my mind flashed back to Sunday 2 weeks ago when Katie posted a note on my music stand right before the worship set began. The note was "His strength is made perfect in weakness." How timely that note was. For many reasons unknown at that time... Over the last 2 weeks, that one note, handwritten on scratch paper has been used countless times to encourage me and ever-increasingly build my faith. How grateful I am to have had that one bit of Scripture to apply to my life right now. So, back to the story...

I'm freaking out (emotional response) while being reminded of the truth (non-emotional, non-changing truth). What that verse said to me sitting in that chair as a needle was being placed in my arm and I could literally feel my heart start beating faster was this "Emily - you're right. You will freak out. But I'm here. And I'm not freaking out. I can handle this. And since I'm here, that means you can handle this. Calm down and trust. I'm good and it will be okay." Wanna know what applying Scripture looks like? Wasn't thinking through this at the time, but that's what it looks like. That's how it worked today for me.

So, they tell me when its time to go in, and i lay down on this little table that eventually is moved into the MRI tube. I quickly shut my eyes, in disbelief and literal horror that they are really about to stick me in this noisy cold contraption. The technician tells me it will take approximately 17 minutes for the first part and then they will pull me out, and inject a "contrast liquid" into the needle and tube precariously poking out of my arm and then put me back in and we will start the process over again. By God's grace, the first thing that came to my mind was "17 minutes is how long Jim said it takes for an average reader to read through the entire book of 1st Peter." That prompted my soul to begin quoting the book to myself (at least the portion of the book that i currently have memorized). So, I start with "Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ..." I think it was not long after that that I started crying on the table. Not crying because of the extremely loud noises that were encompassing my already-pounding and aching head. But crying in gratefulness. Grateful that my sweet Jesus wasn't leaving me alone in my fear, in this little encompassing tube of noise and terror, but that He was present there with me. He was holding my cold hand that I was trying desperately to keep from shaking. He was comforting me through His living, breathing words. How grateful I am that I've been working to memorize the book. And how kind of God to allow certain passages to come back to my mind today in this time of my need.

Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ... (I've been called too. I'm as rebellious and cold-hearted as Peter was. Isn't God amazing... that He would choose me...)
... to the elect exiles ... (I might be an exile... i might be in this foreign place ... but I'm elect ... I'm chosen... I'm not alone... I'm HIS!... this is cool and I don't quite get it)
... by the foreknowledge of God the Father... (this isn't a surprise to God... He knew on the day He created the world (even beforehand) that this day would take place in my life. He planned for me to be suffering right now with unexplained migraines and pushed beyond my limit of control and ability. But He's my Father. He's not pushing me to harm me in any way. He's pushing me to increase my confidence in Him)
... through the sanctification of the Spirit... (this power... this SAME POWER that raised my sweet Jesus from the dead... that SAME POWER is right here... RIGHT NOW! with me... in my little wilderness of confusion and uncertainty. He's sanctifying me right here, right now in my weakness...)
... by the obedience of Jesus Christ and through the sprinkling of His blood... (Jesus obeyed. I'm commanded to be like Him. Its possible even in my weakness and lack of trust to choose to obey right now. Right now obedience looks like staying calm, keeping my eyes shut so I don't freak out and trusting Him to empower me to do that because all I want to do is cry and scream like a little baby... but because He obeyed... because of His blood, I've been given that same ability. I can obey. I can make it through this. I don't have to be held captive by my fear. Romans 6 says I'm not a slave anymore. I can choose otherwise - there's another option than the passions of my former ignorance - passions of fear and unbelief.)
... may grace and peace be multiplied to you. (multiplication takes my little puny effort and increases it exponentially. it takes my little pea of effort and creates a smorgasbord of ability. His grace empowers. His peace comforts.)
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to His great mercy He has caused us to be born again to a living hope... (this living hope is not dependent on the results of this MRI. This hope is ouside of Emily's little realm. It's greater. I can bless God no matter what because of this hope. I can rejoice no matter what because this is true.)
... to an inheritance that is imperishable... (I'm free. I'm rich. I've been given everything. i don't understand that. this is overwhelming)
... kept in heaven for you... (wonder how soon I'm gonna see that? it could be soon depending on what the drs say about the test results... that would be really amazing... i'm okay with that...)
... in this you rejoice though now for a little while you have been grieved by various trials... (God in His mercy doesn't give us each the same trial. He gives us the trial or blessing we need at that time. I can rejoice even in trials because I know a really really personal God that even chooses trials and pain based on what is best for me. He not only gives us hope in our future inheritance, He also empowers us to endure what He's calling us to now.)
... so that the tested genuineness of your faith may be found... (this trial is proving to me and to others the all-sufficiency of my Christ in my life. I'm learning by this trial... by the noises of this MRI machine that I'm in right now in the midst of a horrible body-wrenching migraine... that He is good. That my faith is real. I'm seeing right now how my faith is genuine. What a cool glimpse. This faith, this gospel, this belief really DOES stand firm in the midst of the fire. It REALLY WORKS! How cool to get to experience that power.)
...therefore preparing your minds for action ... (well, I'm already mid-battle... but I can still be prepared. This is war. This is a war to trust God vs what I feel. I feel overwhelmed. God says "I am sufficient." I feel discouraged. God says "I'm your hope")
... so that your faith and your hope are in God. (that's the goal. that's the main thing. that's what I'm commanded to keep central. A hope in God - a loving Father and Friend and Comfortor, not a hope in a good result only - though I am praying for a good result)

At this point, the technician pulled me out of the machine and inserted the "contrast liquid" into that ever-so-precarious needle sticking from my vein in my arm. I think that's when the real trial began. As he pushed me back into the tube, I began to get very very nautious. I honestly thought I was going to have to ask him to pull me out so I could throw up. It was bad. I kept swallowing, nervously thinking I was shaking too much and that would only prolong the entire process. "grace made perfect in need... strength in weakness... rich in my poverty... His righteousness imparted to me... His power at work right here right now to sustain... the same power that raised Christ from the dead is working in me right now to do what He's called me to do right here right now" These were cross-centered MRI thoughts that only came as a result of God's grace supernaturally at work in my tension-wracked anxious heart. All praise be to God that He empowered me to somehow swallow and choke back the nausea without having to stop the test.

What a kind "Daddy" I have. I'm grateful. I love Him more as a result than I did this morning. Though I'm discouraged with the test results, I can truly say I'm grateful. He has spared me from a tumor or cancer or other life-threatening situation. He has given me another "square one." Though I'm fearful to start over with no apparent reasons for what's been going on in my body, He won't stop sustaining now. He is good. Though I was praying for a cut and dry answer of "oh, now we understand... this is what is causing the pain... let's go in and fix it and then you'll be okay with no more struggles or pain or anything," He knows that's not what's best. He knows what is wrong in my body and He will sustain me until either the day it is resolved or until the day I die. Either way... either path... either result, He is there. And He will provide just enough light for me to take one more step in faith... and then one more again... and then...

The next step looks like... make it through this weekend... try to research and find out what else could be causing this... "TRUST IN ME"... beg my Physician for a cure... trust in Him even if no cure comes... quit comparing myself to other people's trials and rejoice in the all-sustaining Grace He's providing for me right now where I am in my current weakness. Love and whole-heartedly embrace this current weakness because it points me to Him. Be confused and discouraged as necessary but let that only point me to the throne of Grace where I have been promised (and consistently already shown) help in my time of need.

I can honestly say that I'm okay with "no." I was praying for "yes." I'm discouraged with "no" but I know my God wouldn't have given that answer unless it was the best answer possible from an all-loving, all-knowing Father who pities His children and rejoices in giving good gifts. So, with that in mind, I can be confident that "no" is a good gift. that "yes" would not have been. And that He will continue to support and impart grace as we encounter who knows how many more "yes's" and "no's."

I know that no matter what God is at the bottom of it all. My God is sovereign. That is a comfort. I'm weak and that's what's best. He will, like a flower garden in the spring, continue to unveil more depth to His beauty and greatness as I delve deeper into that garden of His great unsearchable character. He is not limited by a "no" on an MRI. He could heal me today. He could choose never to heal me. But I am confident in this... He will be with me, carrying me each step of the uncertain way. And nothing that I feel, and no tears of unbelief and fear that I cry will change that. He is constant. He is sustaining. That alone is my hope. That is my only source of confidence and my only reason for joy. But that's so much more than enough.

at the end of my rope...

... with no noose.

gotta rest in the arms i'm in, b/c i'm too tired to fight or care anymore. don't know if that's the point. but that's where i'm at.

um. can i cry now? i know it makes my head worse, but i really don't care. its not getting better by not crying.

From Depths of Woe I Cry to Thee

1. From depths of woe I cry to Thee,
Lord, hear me, I implore Thee.
Bend down Thy gracious ear to me,
My prayer let come before Thee.
If Thou rememberest each misdeed,
If each should have its rightful meed,
Who may abide Thy presence?

2. Thy love and grace alone avail
To blot out my transgression;
The best and holiest deeds must fail
To break sin's dread oppression.
Before Thee none can boasting stand,
But all must fear Thy strict demand
And live alone by mercy.

3. Therefore my hope is in the Lord
And not in mine own merit;
It rests upon His faithful Word
To them of contrite spirit
That He is merciful and just;
This is my comfort and my trust.
His help I wait with patience.

4. And though it tarry till the night
And till the morning waken,
My heart shall never doubt His might
Nor count itself forsaken.
Do thus, O ye of Israel's seed,
Ye of the Spirit born indeed;
Wait for your God's appearing.

5. Though great our sins and sore our woes,
His grace much more aboundeth;
His helping love no limit knows,
Our utmost need it soundeth.
Our shepherd good and true is He,
Who will at last His Israel free
From all their sin and sorrow.

Aus tiefer Not schrei' ich zu dir

1. Aus tiefer Not schrei' ich zu dir,
Herr Gott, erhoer mein Rufen;
Dein' gnaedig' Ohren kehr zu mir
Und meiner Bitt sie oeffen!
Denn so du willst das sehen an,
Was Suend' und Unrecht ist getan,
Wer kann, Herr, vor dir bleiben?

2. Bei dir gilt nichts denn Gnad' und Gunst,
Die Suende zu vergeben;
Es ist doch unser Tun umsonst
Auch in dem besten Leben.
Vor dir niemand sich ruehmen kann,
Des muss dich fuerchten jedermann
Und deiner Gnade leben.

3. Darum auf Gott will hoffen ich,
Auf mein Verdienst nicht bauen;
Auf ihn mein Herz soll lassen sich
Und seiner Guete trauen,
Die mir zusagt sein wertes Wort,
Das ist mein Trost und treuer Hort,
Des will ich allzeit harren.

4. Und ob es waehrt bis in die Nacht
Und wieder an den Morgen,
Doch soll mein Herz an Gottes Macht
Verzweifeln nicht noch sorgen.
So tu' Israel rechter Art,
Der aus dem Geist erzeuget ward
Und seines Gott's erharre.

5. Ob bei uns ist der Suenden viel,
Bei Gott ist viel mehr Gnade,
Sein' Hand zu helfen hat kein Ziel,
Wie gross auch sei der Schade.
Er ist allein der gute Hirt,
Der Israel erloesen wird
Aus seinen Suenden allen.