Confessions

O Lord, I am Thy servant: I am Thy servant and the son of Thy handmaid. Thou hast broken my bonds. I will sacrifice to Thee the sacrifice of praise. Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee, and let all my bones say, O Lord who is like to Thee? Let them say and do Thou answer me and say to my soul: I am thy salvation. Who am I an what kind of man am I? What evil has there not been in my deeds, or if not in my deeds, in my words, or if not in my words, then in my will? But You, Lord, are good and merciful, and Your right hand had regard to the profundity of my death and drew out the abyss of corruption that was in the bottom of my heart. By Your giftI had come totally not to will what I willed but to will what You willed. But where in all that long time was my free will, and from what deep sunken hiding-place was it suddently summoned forth in the moment in which I bowed my neck to Your easy yoke and my shoulders to Your light burden, Christ Jesus, my Helper and my Redeemer? How lovely I suddenly found it to be free from the loveliness of those vanitites, so that now it was a joy to renounce what I had been so afraid to lose. For You cast them out of me, O true and supreme Loveliness, You cast them out of me and took their place in me, You who are sweeter than all pleasure, yet not to flesh and blood; brighter than all light, yet deeper within than any secret; loftier than all honour, but not to those who are lofty to themselves. Now my mind was free from the cares that had gnawed it, from aspiring and getting and weltering in filth and rubbing the scab of lust. And I talked with You as friends talk, my glory and my riches and my salvation, my Lord God.

Augustine Confessions: Book Nine, Chapter One: The Joy of Conversion.

the God of Narnia

I started reading a new book today. Its a book I've had for a few months and have read snippets of, but today, I actually started on page one (a very good place to start...).

Since Na, I have been struggling with fear. Fear to approach God. Fear because I know He's not safe, though I do believe Him to be good. Fear of submitting. Fear of sacrifice.

I long for the day when my sin does not cause me to want to hide, but instead when seeing that makes me run unhindered to the cross. Yet, still I desire to hide. And still, my Father, is calling to me. My Jesus is not saying "get away" rather "get back in line."

I can feel the cords drawing me back to the cross. I can hear the voice of my Savior saying "come home.. ye who are weary come home." Softly and tenderly, not harsh and angrily, He is calling. "Emily, your heart is longing. What you don't realize right now (or what you in your anger are not wanting to admit), is that what your heart is longing for is me."

Like Jill in the Silver Chair, I am thirsty. Thirsty, yet full of fear and so aware of my pride and sin (the following is an excerpt from The Heart of the Chronicles of Narnia: Knowing God here by finding Him there by Thomas Williams)

In the Silver Chair, the schoolgirl Jill finds herself alone and terribly thirsty in an unknown woods. She comes upon a stream, but between her and the water sits the great Lion. Though her thirst is overpowering, she stops in her tracks, too fearful to advance or to run.

"If you're thirsty, you may drink," says the Lion.

The terrified Jill wants assurance that she will not be eaten. "Will you promise not to - do anything to me, if I do come?" she asks.

"I make no promise" the Lion answers.

"I daren't come and drink," Jill replies.

"Then you will die of thirst," the Lion tells her. When Jill says she will go and look for another stream the Lion responds, "There is no other stream."

In the end, Jill musters up the courage to step forward and drink, though it is the hardest thing she has ever done. The God of Narnia cannot be manipulated by human wants. The Lion knows that Jill needs water, and he wants her to have it. But she wants it on her own terms, which means avoiding him and getting a guarantee of safety.

Aslan knows that Jill's terms for happiness will not achieve her ultimate goal. She wants fulfillment without encountering God, and her fulfillment on those terms is possible. Aslan ignores her desire for comfort and safety, insisting that she take the necessary risk of encountering God as the ultimate satisfaction of all needs and desires.

I was created to find my happiness in Him alone. God, please grant grace to turn away from my fear and self-gratifying desires and idolatry. Help me to see You as the joy for which I was created. Grant me the gift of humility and repentance to run to You as the Source of my only strength. I can't do this on my own. I am weak, needy and distracted. But I am grateful I have a God that is strength in my weakness, that is sufficient to meet my need and that can focus my distracted heart on Him alone.

Trust or Apathy?

*warning* *you are about to enter a rambling journal entry from a slightly warped mind* :)

I don't know what's going on right now in my head (and I'm not talking about the bacterial infection lovingly known as "Mike" - he's still there but is withering, praise God!) What I'm referring to is this - I'm not worrying. I'm not concerned about tomorrow. I'm simply enjoying today. I'm taking things one at a time and that's it. I sat on my bedroom floor last night, completely relaxed just sitting there simply being happy doing nothing. I enjoyed an evening of roasting hot dogs and marshmallows with the kids and had no concern for my pile of dirty laundry. I went to bed early and woke up refreshed (albeit with a wicked headache that was crying for more sleep).

Honestly I don't know if this is what trusting God is (and feels) like. I don't know if I'm resting there or if I'm becoming apathetic. Sometimes I wonder if they can feel the same. Let me explain...

When I'm worrying, I am focused on each detail. I am concerned about every step, wondering what the answer is. I wonder if God has forgotten me and is deaf to my requests. But on the other hand, when I'm trusting, I have the freedom to simply rest in today, trust God as the One in control and find a sweet freedom there as I continue being faithful to each step He's called me to.

The only problem with that is my heart is deceitful. My heart is SO prone to wander. Apathy can also look like "resting in today and having no concern for tomorrow." It can look like "let go and let God." It can look like a desire for too much leisure and no desire to take up my sword and go to battle.

The issue with that is that God has called me to battle. Sure, he's called me to rest in Him, but there is still a warfare going on for the conquest of my soul, my thoughts, my desires, and my will. The battle for my soul was won on the cross when Christ compelled me by the love in the three words "it is finished," but the battle for my will continues daily through this process called sanctification - the process that is transforming selfish, sin-filled me into a daughter of God which miraculously reflects the image of my beautiful Jesus.

I fear I may be neglecting that battle. I wonder if I am beginning to use my physical pain as an excuse to neglect God. My overall devotion to God is there, and by His grace, is growing. But my devotion to the "small" things in life (give 100% in all things, take care of my body as a temple, die to selfishness and pride, yearn for the life-giving Word - thirst for that more than anything, etc) - the devotion is not there like I know it should be.

Now this is the point when I need to remind myself that in spite of ALL my failures, God is faithful. He who began a great work in me WILL complete it. By His grace and through His work, I WILL hear "welcome home, my good and faithful servant" - for when God looks at me, He sees the righteousness of the only Good and Faithful Servant.

But I need more grace. I am needy of the sustaining grace to continue the fight. I don't want to be content with my current status. I want to keep growing. I want God's work to continue transforming me. I need His reviving grace. I need His persevering grace.

Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint." —Isaiah 40:31

"The righteous shall hold on his way." —Job 17:9

"I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you." —John 14:18

Even so, Lord Jesus, COME! Come to this heart that daily turns away. Continue to pursue. Continue to work. Be faithful to what You've promised. Continue what you've begun, for without that continual grace, I am without hope. I am so weak, and even my desire for growth is inhibited by my lack of ability to create the growth that only by your grace I desire. But praise God, my lack of ability is met by an all-sufficient Savior. How I need that all-sufficiency to once again pour its grace into my life. How needy I am each step of the way.

Do not let my heart become apathetic to your grace. Keep me within the distance of the cries of Calvary. Let my hope be in the words you cried that day - "it is finished..." "you will be with Me in Paradise..." "I thirst..." "my God, why have You forsaken Me?..." Sweet Jesus, you thirsted so that I could be filled. You were forsaken, so that I would be a part of the marvelous Family. You gave so that I might receive. Grant me once again, the grace to realize each step is by your grace alone.

Each promise uttered that day on the Cross was because of Your righteousness. Let that provide the hope to my apathetic soul. Let that compel my trust in You. Keep me close to that grace. Provide it, in your mercy, ever-abundantly to this needy soul.

Sweet Surrender

I sacrifice with praise, oh Lord
My hopes and dreams and fears.
I surrender all, my Love
Take my sorrow; wipe my tears.

For you oh Lord are Power
Your strength is never ending
Through your mighty and amazing cross
This broken heart, you’re mending.

Take my cravings, take my guilt
Wash my sinful hands through the blood you’ve spilt.
Grant me peace and hope in you alone
Let humility in my heart grow.

You are not pleased in sacrifices
Or else, dear Lord I’d give it.
What you really want from my life is
That I trust in you and humbly live it.

A life of full dependence -
Oh that is sweet surrender.
When my conscience still condemns me
Lord, You are my strong Defender.

So, I surrender all to you
You’re the Master of my ways.
I gladly give You my desires
For You’ve planned out all my days

Yes, its sweet to trust in You, Lord
To surrender every part.
I believe and hope in Jesus
The One Physician to heal this heart.

I’m weary God, and you are strong.
My sin-filled heart finds mercy.
Its sweet to know no matter what
You hear the one who’s hurting.

You draw me near and promise that
As I draw closer so do You
My trials won’t consume me Lord
For I’m consumed with You.

Refocusing

I changed the title of my blog today from "Emily's blog: random musings into the character of God and its implications in my life..." to "A Sacrifice of Praise."

This change is for several reasons.

The first is because over the last month or so, God has been lovingly stripping me of "Emily's thoughts" which are often based in feelings and transferring those with truths found in His unchanging Word. This past month of pain and trials has shown me an inexpressable comfort and sweetness found in Him and His Words. My focus must dwell there more.

As I was reading today in Hebrews 13, I came across the following verses:
So Jesus also suffered outside the gate in order to sanctify the people through his own blood. Therefore let us go to him outside the camp and bear the reproach he endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come. Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name.

Because of the cross, I have been drawn near to Christ. He's commanded, as His follower, that I die to my desires and hopes that are tied to this world and follow Him, looking to the hope that is to come. With that in mind... in light of the cross... in light of eternity, how can I not praise? How can my words not be filled with gratitude? How can I not acknowlege that Jesus is truly the sweetest name I know?

So, the second reason for the change is because I want my life to be this sacrifice of praise. I want to be so enamoured by the cross that everything else pales in comparison. I want my words to reflect gratefulness for the mercy He's given to me. Having those words at the beginning of my blog each time I log in, will physically help me to remember to praise, not complain... to rejoice, not lament... to look up, not look around or down.

I want to sing. Whether in a dark prison at midnight or in fields of happy sunshine. My response should be a sacrifice of praise because my situation does not determine my feelings. Truth does.

This is a sacrifice because I must surrender all. I must die to my idolatrous desires, as I submit to the will of my Father. I must make a choice to say "no" when my heart screams otherwise. That is a sacrifice worth giving. In view of what He sacrificed, this can scarecely even be called sacrifice. It is minimal compared to His cross.

This is a joyful sacrifice filled with praise, for He has washed my sins away. He has promised to lead the blind. He has promised to guide and comfort no matter what the trial may be. I can praise because God will never forsake. He will always lead. He will always guide me in ways that to me are unfamiliar.

That's why I praise. That's what changes everything. Joy is found in death. The death of my Savior brings sweet hope. And the death to my desires brings sweet comfort as Jesus faithfully proves Himself to be more than sufficient. He IS indeed more than sufficient. He IS all. I have no need He does not address. I have no sin He did not remove. I have no cry He does not hear. There is no trial He does not walk through with me. He is indeed great.

In my weakness, I see more clearly His all-sufficiency. I can rest there with joy and peace.

over-analyzing the pea...

so apparently i over-analyze. guess it goes back to my fix-it mentality. wow. sneaking my glory into my works. how blind I am to my own depravity. how grateful i am for my friend.

need to stop looking at the peas and enjoy the feast...
trust and obey... for there's no other way.

you have longed for sweet peace
and for faith to increase
and have earnestly, fervently prayed
but you cannot have rest
or be perfectly blest
until all on the altar is laid.
is your all on the altar of sacrifice laid?
your heart does the Spirit contro-o-l?
you can only have rest
and be perfectly blest
as you yield Him your body and soul

Unfulfilled Expectations

Today is Good Friday, the day we celebrate the awful death of Jesus. We celebrate because of what that day means. But for me, it is also a day of painful introspection - realizing that the body on the cross should have been mine. The voice screaming out as a result of God's forsaken presence - that voice should have been mine. The permanent scars in the hands and feet should be visible in mine. I realize that debt could never be fully paid by me. That punishment would have to be born by me for all eternity. I rejoice, for my Jesus bore my eternal punishment in completeness that day. The debt was exhasuted. That's why, in spite of the awful gory scene, this day is good.

So, as I have been thinking this morning about the last moments of Christ, my mind wandered back to the last week of His life. Last Sunday, was Palm Sunday. The crowds were following Jesus with their expectations.

• Jesus had recently raised Lazarus from the dead and there were HUGE crowds following him around and to greet him in Jerusalem.
• It was Passover and Jerusalem was full of perhaps a million people for this sacred day.
• Jesus created a lot of "buzz" in this crowd. So much that the religious leaders were very worried about his influence on the large crowd.
• The large crowd heard that Jesus was coming and greeted him with palm branches saying, "Hosanna, blessed is he that comes in the name of the Lord."
• The Jews were tired of being subjects of the Roman Empire and thought that Jesus was finally going to pronounce himself as king and crush their adversaries.
• Instead of riding in on a large white horse, or a donkey, Jesus rides into town on the colt of a donkey! His feet were probably dragging on the ground!
• People did not understand.
• Their expectations were not met and many of these same people, in five short days, would be crying, "crucify Him!"

People did not understand this Jesus. On Palm Sunday they were looking to Him to meet their human expectations. He didn't. Fast forward 5 days to today. He disappointed them... they were now crying "crucify." They didn't understand what last Sunday meant. It didn't make sense to them that a conquering king would ride into town on a donkey to overthrow the powerful Roman empire. So they killed him.

Often I don't understand what is happening around me. Jesus in my life can often look as powerless as a simple man on a donkey. And to my shame, my response is often the same as the Jews that week. He didn't meet my expectations - I won't look to Him as Lord. I will look to my own agenda. I will look to find another way to meet my expectations. I won't trust Him because His ways don't make sense to me. The cross He's given me to bear is not the cross I would have chosen; therefore, He is not good or loving or ...

I approach this day, aware that had I been in the crowds that day, I would have been screaming "crucify." The only difference is I was born 2000 years later. But I am no less guilty than they - my heart often crucifies Jesus and removes Him from the place of Master in my life. I approach this weekend, not fully comprehending the man who just hours before the garden, washed the feet of those who that night would desert Him. That is a holy love. To say to traitors "meet me in Galilee" is amazing. Had I been there that evening, I would have also run away in fear.

As I stand at the foot of the cross, I stand here with a contrite heart, seeking forgiveness for my nagging bouts of behavior that resemble distrust and traitorous blasphemy, broken over my shouts of "crucify." But as I look up, I acknowlede that He, the Creator of the universe, is indeed my God and that His death brings life. As I stand here broken over my distrust, convicted over my unfulfilled expectations, I find grace. I find mercy. I find a voice saying "meet me in Galilee, my child - I have greater expectations for you." Christ did not come to meet my needs any more than He came to meet the needs of the Jews that day as they were looking for a conquering King. But He came, bringing exactly what they needed. He came bringing what they didn't even realize to ask for. The implications are truly marvelous. That grace is truly amazing.

"Oh the wonder of the cross. Christ became sin for us. Took my place, bore the wrath, we stand forgiven at the cross."

Slavery

So, I was thinking yesterday about Psalm 40. In the ESV and many other translation it says "you have given me an open ear" (v.6) My first thought was this meant that God opened our ears to hear His truths. That was, until I read the NIV. It says "my ear you have pierced." Now, that's different from listening. Piercing sounds more permanent. Piercing sounds painful. (ok, maybe an over-exageration, its just an ear).

But these words are right smack dab in between two phrases about how God does not require sacrifice. Why? Well, because He has claimed me as His own (hence the piercing). I am struck by the fact that its not what I can do. Its not what I have done. It's all about Him and His work. He doesn't want, need or even desire my sacrifice as a means to earn favor before Him. Actually, it says in Psalm 51:16 that He does not even delight in my sacrifices. That leaves my pride and self-sufficiency in a predicament. They want to earn - He says "nope, you can't." They want to achieve, He says "you're helpless to achieve anything without Me." They want the glory, He says "all glory to the Lamb that was slain."

So, what can I bring to this Almighty, Holy Savior? I cannot see this grace and remain unchanged. I cannot truly experience this amazing Kindness and it not result in something. Thankfully, I don't have to look far for the answer. Psalm 51:17 - the sacrifices God requires are 2 things - a broken spirit (repentence) and a contrite heart (humility). He wants me to repent of my pride and humbly turn to Him as the Source of my All. I'm simply a riverbed. He's the life that flows through. I'm dry and worthless without His life. But with that life, with that water flowing through my dry cracked riverbed of a life, He can work abundantly. Block the source of the water, and suddenly the river loses its appeal and functionality. But when the water's there, hundreds are served. Not just the riverbed is given a purpose, but look at what it does - parched animals are quenched, plants grow as a result, and so much more. The riverbed should never forget that the water is what brings that fruit. Its not the dry cracked dusty ground underneath that live-giving water.

Romans 6:11 - consider yourselves to be dead to sin, but alive in Christ. I've been buried with Him. My pride. My selfish conceit, my all-pervasive sin has been killed with Him. Now I'm a slave to righteousness. My nature has been changed. I can be different. I should be different. I'm bearing the image of my Father. It's natural for me to look like Him.

Great Sinner / Greater Savior

"I am a great sinner, and Christ is a great Savior." John Newton

1 John 1:5-10
This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

3 denials of sin:
1. I don't sin. There's no sinful nature in me.
2. I'm not that bad.
3. God's lying - I'm really okay.

He starts by showing them the nature of God - He is light (all is exposed by His light).

"We believe the sun is risen not because we see it but because by it we see everything else." CS Lewis

God's light exposes the genuineness of your salvation. In light of the gospel how do I humbly deal with remaining indwelling sin?

Progressive sanctification (spiritual growth) comes when we admit we're sinners, believe we have a great Savior and are more aware of the indwelling Christ than our indwelling sin.

1. 1 John 1:5-10 teaches us about the reality of indwelling sin.
Sin is not simply eradicated in the life of a Christian.

The denial of the reality of indwelling sin leads to danger (we deceive ourselves - v.6, reject our need for cleansing, transparency, confession, etc...) We find ourselves using euphamisms and living with a "victim" mentality. This leads to an attack on God's charachter. (we have no sinful nature, have not ever sinned...)

Our hope for the future is not to run from the reality of indwelling sin in our lives - I Tim. 1:15 (The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.) The more Paul understood the gospel, the more he saw who he truly was (from least of disciples to worst of sinners).

The "stoplights" in our lives reveal a lot about our sin.

Denying the reality of sin is turning away from God's light to darkness.

2. 1 John 1:5-10 teaches us about the greater truth of the indwelling Christ. (v.7 and 9 - But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin . . . If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.)

What motivates us to walk in the light?? The gospel - the blood of Jesus Christ that cleanses us from ALL sin (my sin, not in part but the whole)

There is more mercy in Christ than sin in me (Phil 1:6, Phil 2, Rom 6:14). God does not stop with our sin - there is a Savior!

Confession does not cleanse - Christ's sacrifice does. When I confess - He is faithful! Confession is a desire to walk in His light. It is specific and is based soley on Christ's work on the cross. Confession brings fellowship, freedom and opens the door to grace.

How does God respond to us?
He is faithful (because He is holy, He can never be unfaithful)
God is just (He cleanses us because of Jesus' sacrifice)

Questions/ Application:
1. I want to walk in light but I still sin? Am I still a Christian?
2. How do I have fellowship with God and others in light of my sin? by humbly acknoledging sin
3. My sin is so discouraging - is there really hope for change? Yes, He is faithful.
4. Does God grow weary or give up on me because of my sin? No - according to Heb 13, He is abounding in steadfast love!
5. What will others think of my sin? John 1:7 - walk in light = fellowship. Honesty strengthens our relationships.

1. Evaluate how you think about sin. ignore it? overanalyze?
2. When you awake each day are you more aware of your sin or of God's grace? (if answer = sin, then you have an incomplete view of the gospel. Study the cross).
3. Begin practicing humble confession to God (and others as applicable) and watch how He begins to supernaturally respond.