the God of Narnia

I started reading a new book today. Its a book I've had for a few months and have read snippets of, but today, I actually started on page one (a very good place to start...).

Since Na, I have been struggling with fear. Fear to approach God. Fear because I know He's not safe, though I do believe Him to be good. Fear of submitting. Fear of sacrifice.

I long for the day when my sin does not cause me to want to hide, but instead when seeing that makes me run unhindered to the cross. Yet, still I desire to hide. And still, my Father, is calling to me. My Jesus is not saying "get away" rather "get back in line."

I can feel the cords drawing me back to the cross. I can hear the voice of my Savior saying "come home.. ye who are weary come home." Softly and tenderly, not harsh and angrily, He is calling. "Emily, your heart is longing. What you don't realize right now (or what you in your anger are not wanting to admit), is that what your heart is longing for is me."

Like Jill in the Silver Chair, I am thirsty. Thirsty, yet full of fear and so aware of my pride and sin (the following is an excerpt from The Heart of the Chronicles of Narnia: Knowing God here by finding Him there by Thomas Williams)

In the Silver Chair, the schoolgirl Jill finds herself alone and terribly thirsty in an unknown woods. She comes upon a stream, but between her and the water sits the great Lion. Though her thirst is overpowering, she stops in her tracks, too fearful to advance or to run.

"If you're thirsty, you may drink," says the Lion.

The terrified Jill wants assurance that she will not be eaten. "Will you promise not to - do anything to me, if I do come?" she asks.

"I make no promise" the Lion answers.

"I daren't come and drink," Jill replies.

"Then you will die of thirst," the Lion tells her. When Jill says she will go and look for another stream the Lion responds, "There is no other stream."

In the end, Jill musters up the courage to step forward and drink, though it is the hardest thing she has ever done. The God of Narnia cannot be manipulated by human wants. The Lion knows that Jill needs water, and he wants her to have it. But she wants it on her own terms, which means avoiding him and getting a guarantee of safety.

Aslan knows that Jill's terms for happiness will not achieve her ultimate goal. She wants fulfillment without encountering God, and her fulfillment on those terms is possible. Aslan ignores her desire for comfort and safety, insisting that she take the necessary risk of encountering God as the ultimate satisfaction of all needs and desires.

I was created to find my happiness in Him alone. God, please grant grace to turn away from my fear and self-gratifying desires and idolatry. Help me to see You as the joy for which I was created. Grant me the gift of humility and repentance to run to You as the Source of my only strength. I can't do this on my own. I am weak, needy and distracted. But I am grateful I have a God that is strength in my weakness, that is sufficient to meet my need and that can focus my distracted heart on Him alone.

When God Waits - Na* Recap

Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.

Isaiah 30:18-20


This passage would be a good description of my journey this year at Na 08. Isaiah 30 talks about the rebellious children of Israel. It talks about their plans and steps that they take which are not guided by the Lord. It speaks of self-sufficient children. It speaks of me.

I approached Na this year expecting a refreshing time with God, expecting to glory in Him greater by seeing Him work in amazing ways (expecting Him to answer my prayers because I had "asked correctly"). Instead, He showed me my sin. He showed me my utter inability to change myself and He showed me my hopeless state when I'm left to my own legalistic ability. He waited to be gracious. He waited in order to humble me. He waited as I grew angry. He did not cast me off; He waited to show me my great need. And when I cried to Him to be my hope, He graciously heard my cry.

But even there, the answer was not as expected. I thought I'd see a feast, yet I found an answer in the form of "bread of affliction and water of adversity" (Is. 30). Instead of "rest," His response to me was simply "Emily, be faithful in the little things I've called you to. Don't be so tied to expecting great blessings that you miss my hand working when you cannot trace it. I'm working now too, don't be so proud that you miss it. Repent of your legalism and pride, and keep walking in faith, looking to Me as your support.

Na 06 and Na 07 were "rooms." I walked into those conferences and was overwhelmed with what I saw and felt and tasted - I was overwhelmed with who my God is. I left those rooms changed forever by what I saw there. I have spent 2 years gleaning from those experiences. This year was radically different. I expected a room yet encountered a door. I expected power in "earthquake-like" ways, yet I was simply reminded of the truths that I had become familiar with.

At first glance, it did not seem as impressive or even an answer at all. But I believe that God will use (and is using) that door to open up a deeper longing for Him in the coming weeks and months.

He is my answer. His Word is what brings life. His Spirit brings my dead heart to life. He loved me first.

Enter through that door and find life and rest. Bask in the greatness found there. Rejoice in the patience of the Savior.

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I ask'd the Lord, that I might grow
In faith, and love, and ev'ry grace,
Might more of his salvation know,
And seek more earnestly his face.

'Twas he who taught me thus to pray,
And he, I trust has answer'd pray'r;
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hop'd that in some favour'd hour,
At once he'd answer my request:
And by his love's constraining pow'r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this. he made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow'rs of hell
Assault my soul in ev'ry part.

Yea more, with his own hand he seem'd
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Cross'd all the fair designs I schem'd,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cry'd,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
"'Tis in this way," the Lord reply'd,
"I answer pray'r for grace and faith."

"These inward trials I employ,
From self and pride to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou mayst seek thy all in me."

John Newton

Do you believe?

Do you believe that I know what is best?
Do you believe that I’ve chosen you for this test?
Though you may not understand it
Though you may not have a clue
I’ve designed what you’re going through just for you

I’ve heard the questions that you’ve asked me
When you wonder if I care
My promises are trustworthy
You can know I’ll be there

My son knows your weaknesses
Suffered in your place
He took the pain that you deserved
So that you could know my grace

There will be a day
When there’ll be no more pain
Look upon my face
And know the trial was worth it

All the things I do
I’m working now in you
To trust me, to know me,
to believe me, to love me
To draw close to you

And If I heal you
I can heal you
I have power to turn this around
If you don’t see healing until you see me
Anything can be changed

You wonder if I know what is best
I’ve chosen you for this test
My grace is sufficient for all that you need
My grace will lead you to me.

sung by Bob Kauflin at Na08

Trust His Heart

Its 6:30 the following morning after Na08 and I've already been at work for 30 minutes. I think this borders on insanity. The word "exhaustion" doesn't seem to come close to describing my state right now.

The conference was great, though not what expected (more on that at some point). God's presence was very active. Evidences of grace abounded within the folks in our group. I am grateful.

I was glad to sleep in my own bed last night. :)

Absent

between a wicked, evil mystery virus on my laptop and a new job at work, I have not had the time this week that I'd like to write. :(

I'm looking forward to leaving Saturday for my trip to Kentucky. I look forward to "learning overload" at Na08. I'm excited to have a few days off work.

I plan to take my computer with me and post throughout the conference. The past two years, it has simply been an intense time of learning, having fun with friends and experiencing God's presence. I'm looking forward to another year of the same.

haha, cool perspective of worship

How Long?

How long O Lord?
Must I keep knocking at Your door?
How long must I be waiting?
I’ve prayed to You,
but I don’t hear You speak.
I’m waiting still
and I am getting weak.

My child, I know
what you’re going through.
I know your fears
because I created you.
And each step you take
I gave to you.
And I prepared
what you have been going through.
And you want to understand,
you want to know,
but I have engraved
you on the palm of My hand.
You want to feel my nearness,
to hear me speak,
but my power is perfected
in the humble and the weak.

I’ve spoken words just for you.
I gave my Son to deliver you.
And forever you’ll hear
the sound of my voice,
saying I brought you near,
so you can rejoice.

But, for now
I’m calling you to trust,
I’m calling you to believe,
that I am a faithful God
to you.

For now,
I’m calling you to believe
what you cannot see.
But, what you know is true.
I can hear you,
I am near you.

(believe that He rewards those that seek Him.)

as i was reading through this, i started noticing for the first time all that God is doing here. "I know, I created, I prepared, I gave" etc. I never noticed how much this song portrays of His faithfulness. and also how that faithfulness is contrasted with our weakness. "must I keep knocking?, must I be waiting? I don't hear you. I'm waiting still. I'm getting weak. I want to understand, I want to know. I want to feel, I want to hear...

Those requests are very self focused (as my prayers often are in my life - God I want to know, I want to see) instead of being properly God focused. Where does my answer lie? Its not in my finding and hearing and seeing.

And what does God say? First, He's patient. My questions - God, do I have to be going through this?

His answer? I know,... I 'm calling you to remember what (and WHO) it's all about "I brought you near (gospel) so you can rejoice (in My faithfulness, not in your circumstances). Believe what you can't see (Heb 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.)

This verse talks about God as a rewarder. and there's also a command that we MUST believe this. I don't often believe it. What's the answer? Christ died for my sins. What greater reward in life could there be? Why do I doubt the "lesser" rewards? That's the power that He has - He's not a weak, incompetent God that has forgotten about me. He's mighty.

And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets— who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection... (Heb 11:32-35)

"By faith, made strong out of weakness." I pray that God would give me the faith to trust in His strength, repent of my self-sufficiency (realize my weakness) and find His strength, His power, His reward, His faithfulness, His activity, His compassion... How do I do this?

What's the answer? Christ died for my sins.

How Long O Lord?

How Long O Lord, must I keep knocking at your door? How long must I keep waiting? I pray for you and I don't hear you speak. I'm waiting still and I am getting weak.

My child, I know what you’re going through. I know your fears because I created you.
And each step you take I gave to you. And I prepared what you have been going through.

And you want to understand, you want to know, but I have engraved you on the palm of My hand. You want to feel my nearness, to hear me speak, but my power is perfected in the humble and the weak.

But, for now I’m calling you to trust, I’m calling you to believe, that I am a faithful God to you. For now, I’m calling you to believe what you cannot see. But, what you know is true.

I can hear you, I am near you.