My Rock

"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my Savior, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the strength of my salvation, my stronghold!" Psalm 18:2

When I despair because of my sin, Jesus is my righteousness!

When I fear Satan, I know Christ conquers all powers of this world!

When I am in pain, He is my sympathizing and loving High Priest!

When I suffer loss, the Jehovah Jireh is my exceeding great reward!

When my cross is heavy to bear, I know Christ makes all things work together for good to me - I have been called by His name!

When I am in anguish, my Savior is my joy!

When I sit in darkness, the Lord is my Sun!

When I doubt, the Holy Spirit is my Counselor!

When I feel dead, the Creator God is my life!

When the enemies encompass me, my Protector is my shield!

When I am tempted, the Spirit is my deliverer!

When I struggle with false friends, I know my Jesus will never leave or forsake me!

When I feel lost and alone, I know my Sovereign God is everywhere present!

When I am sick, Christ is my healer!

When I fear death, the Almighty God is the Resurrection and the Life!

When I feel battered by the waves, He is my Hiding Place and my Shelter from the storms!

When I am dry, the Provider is my Stream of Living Water!

When I am weary from the heat, He is my shelter!

When I fear, He is the surety of my hope!

"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my Savior, my God, my rock in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the strength of my salvation, my stronghold!" Psalm 18:2

The Faithful Promiser

'And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish' John 10:28

The Christian should never think or speak lightly of unbelief. For a child of God to mistrust His love, His truth, His faithfulness, must be greatly displeasing to Him. How can we ever grieve Him by doubting His upholding grace? Christian! it is contrary to every promise of God's precious Word that thou shouldnst ever be forgotten or left to perish. If it could be so, how could He be true who has said, 'Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I never forget thee.' What were the value of that promise - 'The mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but My kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of My peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee'? Where were the truth of Christ's words - 'I give unto My sheep eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of My hand. My Father, which gave them Me is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of My Father's hand;? Where were the doctrines of grace? They would be all disproved if one child of God should perish. Where were the veracity of His oath, if any of those for whom Christ has died, and who have put their trust in Him should nevertheless be cast away? Banish those unbelieving fears which so dishonour God. Arise, shake thyself from the dust, and put on they beautiful garments. Remember it is sinful to doubt His Word wherein He has promised thee that thou shalt never perish. Let the eternal life within thee express itself in confident rejoicing.

'The gospel bears my spirit up: a faithful and unchanging God lays the foundation for my hope, in oaths, and promises, and blood.'

-Charles Spurgeon, Morning and Evening

Ten Looks at God's charachter

CJ Mahaney encourages Christians to take ten looks to the Cross for every one look at your sin. Yesterday, over an amazingly yummy dinner with Sarah at PF Changs, I was encouraging her to take ten looks to the charachter of our God instead of focusing on our problems and failures. Here are ten looks (similar though not exactly the same as the ten looks I reminded Sarah of last night)

1. The Creator of the Universe is the powerful God who is not limited by man's sin.

2. The Husband loves His bride, though He is fully aware that her heart does not love him with an unadulterated love and passion.

3. The God who split the Red sea and led the Children of Israel through the wilderness is the same God that is leading through my wilderness today.

4. The Jesus who chose to suffer and die, did so, fully knowing that He was taking the death that I deserved.

5. The King in Revelation is coming to conquer the enemies that wage war against my soul.

6. The Friend who said "Meet me in Galilee" is fully aware of my failures and chooses to love me in spite of that.

7. The Spirit who saved 3000 in one day with His amazing power, is the same God who just saved Kevin's wife.

8. The Jesus who wept is the same Sovereign Lord who cares for my weakness.

9. The God that does not always speak in thunderous ways, lovingly still chooses to reveal Himself to us (though sometimes only in a whisper).

10. The God that revealed Himself in His Word, does not lie and will cause every promise to be fulfilled.

the God of Narnia

I started reading a new book today. Its a book I've had for a few months and have read snippets of, but today, I actually started on page one (a very good place to start...).

Since Na, I have been struggling with fear. Fear to approach God. Fear because I know He's not safe, though I do believe Him to be good. Fear of submitting. Fear of sacrifice.

I long for the day when my sin does not cause me to want to hide, but instead when seeing that makes me run unhindered to the cross. Yet, still I desire to hide. And still, my Father, is calling to me. My Jesus is not saying "get away" rather "get back in line."

I can feel the cords drawing me back to the cross. I can hear the voice of my Savior saying "come home.. ye who are weary come home." Softly and tenderly, not harsh and angrily, He is calling. "Emily, your heart is longing. What you don't realize right now (or what you in your anger are not wanting to admit), is that what your heart is longing for is me."

Like Jill in the Silver Chair, I am thirsty. Thirsty, yet full of fear and so aware of my pride and sin (the following is an excerpt from The Heart of the Chronicles of Narnia: Knowing God here by finding Him there by Thomas Williams)

In the Silver Chair, the schoolgirl Jill finds herself alone and terribly thirsty in an unknown woods. She comes upon a stream, but between her and the water sits the great Lion. Though her thirst is overpowering, she stops in her tracks, too fearful to advance or to run.

"If you're thirsty, you may drink," says the Lion.

The terrified Jill wants assurance that she will not be eaten. "Will you promise not to - do anything to me, if I do come?" she asks.

"I make no promise" the Lion answers.

"I daren't come and drink," Jill replies.

"Then you will die of thirst," the Lion tells her. When Jill says she will go and look for another stream the Lion responds, "There is no other stream."

In the end, Jill musters up the courage to step forward and drink, though it is the hardest thing she has ever done. The God of Narnia cannot be manipulated by human wants. The Lion knows that Jill needs water, and he wants her to have it. But she wants it on her own terms, which means avoiding him and getting a guarantee of safety.

Aslan knows that Jill's terms for happiness will not achieve her ultimate goal. She wants fulfillment without encountering God, and her fulfillment on those terms is possible. Aslan ignores her desire for comfort and safety, insisting that she take the necessary risk of encountering God as the ultimate satisfaction of all needs and desires.

I was created to find my happiness in Him alone. God, please grant grace to turn away from my fear and self-gratifying desires and idolatry. Help me to see You as the joy for which I was created. Grant me the gift of humility and repentance to run to You as the Source of my only strength. I can't do this on my own. I am weak, needy and distracted. But I am grateful I have a God that is strength in my weakness, that is sufficient to meet my need and that can focus my distracted heart on Him alone.

Do you believe?

Do you believe that I know what is best?
Do you believe that I’ve chosen you for this test?
Though you may not understand it
Though you may not have a clue
I’ve designed what you’re going through just for you

I’ve heard the questions that you’ve asked me
When you wonder if I care
My promises are trustworthy
You can know I’ll be there

My son knows your weaknesses
Suffered in your place
He took the pain that you deserved
So that you could know my grace

There will be a day
When there’ll be no more pain
Look upon my face
And know the trial was worth it

All the things I do
I’m working now in you
To trust me, to know me,
to believe me, to love me
To draw close to you

And If I heal you
I can heal you
I have power to turn this around
If you don’t see healing until you see me
Anything can be changed

You wonder if I know what is best
I’ve chosen you for this test
My grace is sufficient for all that you need
My grace will lead you to me.

sung by Bob Kauflin at Na08

Dream

So, on Saturday night I had a dream like I've never had before. I awoke overwhelmed, encouraged and freshly aware of God's kind sovereignty. Here's how it went.

God has given me an unusual burden for my friends in Myanmar. I don't know why, other than to share in their burdens and approach the Throne of Grace asking for help in their time of need. They've been on my mind almost constantly since Cyclone Nargis hit 10 days ago.

So, in this dream, I was allowed to travel to Burma to provide needed relief aid to the disaster vicitims. Imagine Hurricaine Katrina hitting an area with wooden houses and sheds. Its no surprise the devastation is great. While there, I was meeting Burmese families who had lost children, wives who lost husbands, men who had no way to provide for the family members that remained.

I met with a Christian lady (still dreaming, remember) who had lost the pastor of her church, her husband and 2 of her three small children. She had no home to return to, no job to work in order to provide the basic necessities for her small boy and no available medical care. From a worldly perspective, this dear child of God had no hope.

As I handed her a cup of water, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me how grateful she was. I asked her why. "How can you be grateful? You've just lost everything."

With tears streaming down her dirty, weathered face, she looked at me and said (through a translator) that her husband, 2 children and her pastor were now in the presence of Jesus. How her tear-filled eyes rejoiced! She missed them. Her heart ached for the small comforts she had only 11 days ago (though I would have, in my western-worldview not seen even that as "comfort"). But she smiled. She had hope amidst a hopeless situation.

She rejoiced in her trial because her almighty Sovereign God had planned that cyclone to obliterate her town. He knew it was coming long before she did. He knew, before she was ever born that on May the 2nd, 2008, her world would change forever. But this God, who is all-powerful loved her. He, who controls the winds and waves, cared for her soul enough to open her eyes to the love of Jesus. She, my nameless friend from a dream, rejoiced because, though she was born Buddhist, was told of Jesus several years ago. And He became beautiful to her. He brought hope to her war-ravaged world.

I wanted to hug her, but the culture there is not as personal and open to feeling as mine is and I did not want to offend her. So instead, I told her that I had been praying for them. I then asked how I could pray specifically for her.

She wanted me to know that she was blessed - that she had already been given everything. She wanted me to pray for her friends that didn't have this same hope. She wanted me to pray that her faith in her sovereign, loving Jesus would grow through this "light and temporary affliction." She wanted me to share that blessing with others that I knew too.

Then I woke up.

When I got to church a few hours later (I had the dream Saturday night), we prayed during worship for the folks in Burma. God reminded me at that point, that we were corporately offering up a sweet smelling offering to our God that controls the waves. Through Jesus, our feeble prayers and humble songs were a beautiful sight and smell before the Throne of Grace.

The worship set was in many senses a disaster - the sound equipment didn't work at all; half the band couldn't play as a result. It was from a musical standpoint very amateur. But what a reminder - Jesus took those feeble attempts and perfected that worship. When it arrived before the Throne, the Almighty Commander of the Waves received the sweet gift of a beautiful symphony of praise. As we were more aware of our weakness, He became yet again greater to me.

Worship yesterday was powerful. It was as if the roof was lifted and I could see Jesus handing God the Father a beautiful package of us simultaneously acknowledging our neediness and His all-encompassing greatness.

I often forget that transaction that takes place at my church at 10 AM each Sunday morning.

One day, we'll all be standing together before that throne, singing in every language, rejoicing with praise alongside that pastor and husband and those 2 children that died 10 days ago in the cyclone.

I'll stand next to my friend from Burma whom I've never met, with hands held high, in complete thankfulness to the One who created each trial in our lives. I'll rejoice, as I see face to face, the One who not only planned, but also accompanied me through each trial.

Taste and See

Your words were found and I ate them, and they became a delight to me and a joy to my soul...

For I lead the blind in ways that they do not know... I do not forsake them.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good...


I enjoy good cuisine. I enjoy beautiful scenery. But nothing compares to tasting and seeing God's goodness. Nothing compares to the magnificence of His blessing. Nothing so adequately defines my weakness as when I see God's power on display. Nothing makes me desire God more than when I see a glimpse of Him as all desirable.

My friends, I'm overwhelmed. I've cried all day. This morning, I was yawning and exhaustedly limping into work. Then God fed me richly with Psalm 62 (I've "bolded" the words that He specifically used this morning)

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah

Those of low estate are but a breath; those of high estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath.

Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.

Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love. For you will render to a man according to his work.

The first thought I had when I read that last verse was "I'm glad that's not true. I deserve hell. He's not going to render to me what I deserved. Because of the cross, because of the substitutionary perfect life of Christ, He looks at me with acceptance and pleasure. What grace! How that is undeserved!

Little did I know the roller coaster was about to take another flip - except this time it was behind my back and I couldn't see it coming...

One of the managers at work came to my desk and mentioned that he needed to talk to me when I was off the phone (I was fighting with the insurance company about the $1404 that they say I owe them from my MRI). I got off the phone and Siggi (my boss) reminded me that I needed to go talk to Jeff.
Weird.

So, I went over to Jeff (one of the manager's that is equal with my boss but I don't really work for him though I do work with him some and help him out as needed). He mentioned that he wanted to talk to me, and could we go in the conference room. He then told Siggi that we were going to meet and could he join us. The 45 seconds it took us to walk to the room, I was wondering what this was about but I wasn't nervous.

We sat down and Jeff says "are you nervous yet?" =)
I said "why, should I be??" =)

That's when he proceeded to tell me that what he was about to tell me was that he wants to offer me a position in program planning. That is the department that looks at the requirements from assembly and plans how the cars are going to be organized (by discussing with other departments in Germany and an overall view of how the plant functions and what would be the best steps to take). Basically, easily explained, look at the big picture, break it down to the itty bitty parts and then like a puzzle, put it back together in the best way possible.

Honestly, it is one of those jobs I always thought would be a great job but never thought I could get. There are only 11 people in that department and there were no planned openings anytime in the next 5 years.

Um, can you say overwhelmed?? Tina (who will be my boss) hand picked me because she has been watching my work now for months and has been working on getting this approved for literally 6 months! I'm blown away. I'm SO excited.

That's the cake...

...here's the icing...

Someone contacted the church office today (aka Jess) and wanted to register me for the Worship God conference.

WHAT?!!?#$$#(*$? :) Are you kidding me?

Psalm 62 was what God reminded me this morning. He rewards those who trust in Him. He is faithful. He is 2 things: powerful and steadfastly loving.

He is ridiculously amazing if you ask me.

There are no words to describe it. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve yet another blessing - I fail to trust Him. I doubt His goodness. I question His ways. I complain about my current state. And He says wait, hope, rest and trust while you are pouring out your heart to Me.

And still, I fail there. I don't wait with excellence. I don't rest without trying to plan out the next 23 steps. I don't trust without questioning "what if." I pour out my heart to my laptop and fail to do so to my Jesus.

Yet He still chooses to bless. I don't get it. I don't deserve such kindness. Doesn't He know I didn't perfectly believe He really would bless?

Yet, still He chooses to.

Taste and See...

Taste through those words that were found.
See because He brings sight to the blind as He leads and as they pour out their hearts.

What a feast! What a view!
What a God!

Closed Doors

My job seems to be a continual pattern of closed doors. I suppose I should rejoice, for this is an answer, but it's difficult when 8x in a year, the answer is no. My boss did a good job explaining why and I do not take it personally (and now have some areas to work on improving) but nonetheless, "no" is difficult to hear so often.

The reason has been different each time, therefore my only conclusion can be that this is God's will for me right now and that in whatever state I am, I must learn to be content (not simply for "doings" sake but because I know that no matter what state I'm in, He is with me).

"For I lead the blind in ways that they do not know, in paths that they have not gone, I guide them. I turn the rough places before them into level ground. These are the things I do; I do not forsake them."

I'm not forsaken. Stuck behind the same door, stuck in the same room, stuck in limbo, I am not forsaken. Still wondering why and when, God is saying "I'm here, I haven't left you alone to figure this out on your own. I'm guiding. I'm leading. And I'm comforting."

That must be and remain my comfort. If it is not, then I start to question and accuse God. Job questioned God and was met by the all-powerful Creator. That all-powerful God is the same one holding back right now. He's the same one closing the doors in front of me. He's the same one not opening other doors I long to walk through.

But, keeping this in perspective, I don't deserve a new job. I don't deserve better pay. I deserve hell. And God opened the greatest door in all of eternity - the door to eternal life, rest and complete fulfillment in Him.

With that in mind, how can I complain. In light of eternity, how can I question. God has been so kind - eternally, immensely kind. He's right now preparing a place for me - a filthy, vile sinner who is justified not by my own merit, but by the righeousness of His Son.

That's why our lives are commanded to be a sacrifice of praise. I don't wan"t to sacrifice that right now. I want to lament. I want to cry.

But He says - NO!!! Grab your soul - arrest your mind and focus it on me. Don't give in to the devil's lie that you deserved this and I'm unkind in withholding it from you. Focus on truth - I loved you so much (and continue to love you) that I gave ALL for you - I sacrificed with JOY for your good. Rest there. Rejoice in that truth.

Let your conduct be the same as mine - offering up sacrifices of praise to God when your circumstances deem the opposite. That's how I receive glory here - through yet another closed door. That's where the world will see your differences and glorify me. Trust me, my child. I know what I'm doing."

Captive

Deep in my sin, I couldn’t feel
the death grip on my soul.
I thought that this life was the best
for which I’d ever hope.

True satisfaction,
eternal bliss,
deep communion
was just a wish.
I was at home
with misery.
Tried to dull the pain
of what I saw in me.

I didn’t realize I was blind,
I thought that this was "life;"
until one day I heard the words:
“Come, there’s rest from all this strife.”

"An answer
for the void you feel -
a hope
for your captive soul.
A rest eternal -
- it's for real.
a promise
in His Word."

It sounded to my tired ears
just too good to be true.
But as He drew near, I heard the damning words:
“there’s nothing you can do.”

“You’ve sinned.
You’re guilty.
You can’t come
before My Holy face.
I’m Rightous and I can’t allow
such filth
here in this place.”

With sorrow and dread I stood before
my Maker, in my chains.
Fearing His hand of judgment
that would crush my feeble frame.

Fear compelled
Me there
To fall -
enslaved by
my desires.
I had no
power
to change my
heart or quench
the wrathful
fires.

At that moment nothing seemed
More powerful than sin.
My empty soul - in awful fear
As I stood before my King.

A captive,
held by sin
alone; a slave to
death and fear.
The Holy Judge
Was fully aware
That sin
Was my career.

Those were my chains.
Captivity.
Deep emptiness.
Hollow misery.


“What if I’m good!? I’ll change my ways!?”
frantically I tried.
But He said “no, its not enough.”
I sat in despair and cried.

“Is there a hope
or any rest?
An answer for
my empty soul?”
With tender love
He picked me up
and said
“My blood can make you whole.”

“Not by your works, Not what you do
There’s nothing to attain.
For on that cross, I bore your curse
So you’d know all My gain.”

“No! Let me go.
Don’t do this, God!
You don’t deserve
That death!
Judge me instead
I’m the guilty one
Trade places -
Go! now rest.”

With tear-filled eyes, He then looked down
at His eternally wounded hands.
“Look here, my child. The price is paid
already. This is my plan.”

“I died for you
to give you life;
My grace has set you free.
The penalty’s paid -
find freedom now
from your captivity.”

So, with great joy, we walked that day
away from all my chains.
Now hand in hand, His love is what
keeps me captive every day.

That’s what
compels me now
you see
to say no to
desires.
His love
constrains my
wayward heart
from my
internal fires.

His grace is more sufficient and
more powerful than sin.
This peace is so much greater than
I’d ever hoped it’d been.

I’m captive.
Held by grace
alone; a slave to
righteousness.
My Owner’s love
gives strength and faith
to daily die
to sin.

I'm chained to Him.

Captivity.

Deep communion.

Sweet, perfect peace.

written by Emily 12 PM on 4/24/08
after reading 2 Corinthians 5 and Romans 6

He Hears My Cry

"Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God...

But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness. Deliver me from sinking in the mire; let me be delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters. Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up, or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good; according to your abundant mercy, turn to me. Hide not your face from your servant; for I am in distress; make haste to answer me. Draw near to my soul, redeem me; ransom me because of my enemies! ...

I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving. This will please the LORD more than an ox or a bull with horns and hoofs. When the humble see it they will be glad; you who seek God, let your hearts revive...

For the LORD hears the needy and does not despise his own people who are prisoners. Let heaven and earth praise him, the seas and everything that moves in them. For God will save Zion and build up the cities of Judah, and people shall dwell there and possess it; the offspring of his servants shall inherit it, and those who love his name shall dwell in it."

excerpts from Psalm 69

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"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
Revelation 21:4

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I'm enjoying a time of thinking. I have missed it. I'm grateful for this little moment I have. I feel almost like the couple in "the Notebook" - grateful for the moments of clarity I have, aware they can change with the flip of a switch or a honk of a horn. So, I'll type now, while I can. While the ability is there. For even that ability (and the time) is a gift.

David wrote in Psalm 69 a glimpse of his thoughts in the midst of a trial. He was in the waves. And sinking with nothing to hold onto. He was crying. He was weary. His energy was gone. Ever cry so hard it hurts to cry and you can't see clearly? I have. According to Psalm 69, David has too.

I'm grateful God chose to include weak, weary cries in the Bible. I am so often weak. And weary. Reading these prayers gives me hope for several reasons. First, because in my own pride, I tend to want to fix problems. David in his humility cried. That's a lesson I pray I am slowly learning. But it gives me hope, also, because David clearly points us not to his problem, but rather, to his Hope. David, in his own strength has no more power than the statue in the picture. He can't even cry out without God's strength working in his life.

David is weary. But His Lord is not. His prayer does not fall on a deaf or limited God - NO! they come right to the ears of the all-powerful Creator God. And David has confidence in that power. In the right timing, God WILL deliver. David didn't pray "answer me God, because I'm coming in faith" or "answer me because I'm worth it." No, he rested his confidence not on his feelings or situation, rather on the unchanging character of his God. "answer me, because you are good... because you are full of abundant mercy."

That's why David was able to sing. Right there, in the midst of pain, struggling, parched voice from all the crying... He's singing. His eyes are tired from waiting... he is sinking in this overwhelming flood and He's singing! He's thanking God in the midst of weary pain. That thanksgiving, empowered by the Spirit, from a weak, parched disciple, pleases God and encourages His children. How amazing! Grace, given as a gift from God, working through weak, weary sinners, is used to encourage faith, magnify God's greatness and even please God himself!

God hears! God knows our needs and is more than competent and willing to show himself faithful. He will save - not only temporarily by providing relief at times, but by giving us a future hope... a future inheritance... a future with no more cries.

Rejoicing when the answer is "No" (update on my head (and heart))

I'm sitting here in tears. The tears are a mixture of overwhelmedness (is that a word?) and fear (lack of trusting God) and joy and simply because tears seem to be the appropriate response right now. Here's what that means to me...

I had an MRI done this morning of my brain. Let me start by saying, God was immensely gracious. I was for lack of a better explanation "freaking out" this morning thinking about being stuck motionless in a little tube for 30 minutes. And then when I got there, I found out we didn't acutally have enough time for me to have any medicine to help sedate me and calm me down. My first thought was "crap... I can't do this." Then my mind flashed back to Sunday 2 weeks ago when Katie posted a note on my music stand right before the worship set began. The note was "His strength is made perfect in weakness." How timely that note was. For many reasons unknown at that time... Over the last 2 weeks, that one note, handwritten on scratch paper has been used countless times to encourage me and ever-increasingly build my faith. How grateful I am to have had that one bit of Scripture to apply to my life right now. So, back to the story...

I'm freaking out (emotional response) while being reminded of the truth (non-emotional, non-changing truth). What that verse said to me sitting in that chair as a needle was being placed in my arm and I could literally feel my heart start beating faster was this "Emily - you're right. You will freak out. But I'm here. And I'm not freaking out. I can handle this. And since I'm here, that means you can handle this. Calm down and trust. I'm good and it will be okay." Wanna know what applying Scripture looks like? Wasn't thinking through this at the time, but that's what it looks like. That's how it worked today for me.

So, they tell me when its time to go in, and i lay down on this little table that eventually is moved into the MRI tube. I quickly shut my eyes, in disbelief and literal horror that they are really about to stick me in this noisy cold contraption. The technician tells me it will take approximately 17 minutes for the first part and then they will pull me out, and inject a "contrast liquid" into the needle and tube precariously poking out of my arm and then put me back in and we will start the process over again. By God's grace, the first thing that came to my mind was "17 minutes is how long Jim said it takes for an average reader to read through the entire book of 1st Peter." That prompted my soul to begin quoting the book to myself (at least the portion of the book that i currently have memorized). So, I start with "Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ..." I think it was not long after that that I started crying on the table. Not crying because of the extremely loud noises that were encompassing my already-pounding and aching head. But crying in gratefulness. Grateful that my sweet Jesus wasn't leaving me alone in my fear, in this little encompassing tube of noise and terror, but that He was present there with me. He was holding my cold hand that I was trying desperately to keep from shaking. He was comforting me through His living, breathing words. How grateful I am that I've been working to memorize the book. And how kind of God to allow certain passages to come back to my mind today in this time of my need.

Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ... (I've been called too. I'm as rebellious and cold-hearted as Peter was. Isn't God amazing... that He would choose me...)
... to the elect exiles ... (I might be an exile... i might be in this foreign place ... but I'm elect ... I'm chosen... I'm not alone... I'm HIS!... this is cool and I don't quite get it)
... by the foreknowledge of God the Father... (this isn't a surprise to God... He knew on the day He created the world (even beforehand) that this day would take place in my life. He planned for me to be suffering right now with unexplained migraines and pushed beyond my limit of control and ability. But He's my Father. He's not pushing me to harm me in any way. He's pushing me to increase my confidence in Him)
... through the sanctification of the Spirit... (this power... this SAME POWER that raised my sweet Jesus from the dead... that SAME POWER is right here... RIGHT NOW! with me... in my little wilderness of confusion and uncertainty. He's sanctifying me right here, right now in my weakness...)
... by the obedience of Jesus Christ and through the sprinkling of His blood... (Jesus obeyed. I'm commanded to be like Him. Its possible even in my weakness and lack of trust to choose to obey right now. Right now obedience looks like staying calm, keeping my eyes shut so I don't freak out and trusting Him to empower me to do that because all I want to do is cry and scream like a little baby... but because He obeyed... because of His blood, I've been given that same ability. I can obey. I can make it through this. I don't have to be held captive by my fear. Romans 6 says I'm not a slave anymore. I can choose otherwise - there's another option than the passions of my former ignorance - passions of fear and unbelief.)
... may grace and peace be multiplied to you. (multiplication takes my little puny effort and increases it exponentially. it takes my little pea of effort and creates a smorgasbord of ability. His grace empowers. His peace comforts.)
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to His great mercy He has caused us to be born again to a living hope... (this living hope is not dependent on the results of this MRI. This hope is ouside of Emily's little realm. It's greater. I can bless God no matter what because of this hope. I can rejoice no matter what because this is true.)
... to an inheritance that is imperishable... (I'm free. I'm rich. I've been given everything. i don't understand that. this is overwhelming)
... kept in heaven for you... (wonder how soon I'm gonna see that? it could be soon depending on what the drs say about the test results... that would be really amazing... i'm okay with that...)
... in this you rejoice though now for a little while you have been grieved by various trials... (God in His mercy doesn't give us each the same trial. He gives us the trial or blessing we need at that time. I can rejoice even in trials because I know a really really personal God that even chooses trials and pain based on what is best for me. He not only gives us hope in our future inheritance, He also empowers us to endure what He's calling us to now.)
... so that the tested genuineness of your faith may be found... (this trial is proving to me and to others the all-sufficiency of my Christ in my life. I'm learning by this trial... by the noises of this MRI machine that I'm in right now in the midst of a horrible body-wrenching migraine... that He is good. That my faith is real. I'm seeing right now how my faith is genuine. What a cool glimpse. This faith, this gospel, this belief really DOES stand firm in the midst of the fire. It REALLY WORKS! How cool to get to experience that power.)
...therefore preparing your minds for action ... (well, I'm already mid-battle... but I can still be prepared. This is war. This is a war to trust God vs what I feel. I feel overwhelmed. God says "I am sufficient." I feel discouraged. God says "I'm your hope")
... so that your faith and your hope are in God. (that's the goal. that's the main thing. that's what I'm commanded to keep central. A hope in God - a loving Father and Friend and Comfortor, not a hope in a good result only - though I am praying for a good result)

At this point, the technician pulled me out of the machine and inserted the "contrast liquid" into that ever-so-precarious needle sticking from my vein in my arm. I think that's when the real trial began. As he pushed me back into the tube, I began to get very very nautious. I honestly thought I was going to have to ask him to pull me out so I could throw up. It was bad. I kept swallowing, nervously thinking I was shaking too much and that would only prolong the entire process. "grace made perfect in need... strength in weakness... rich in my poverty... His righteousness imparted to me... His power at work right here right now to sustain... the same power that raised Christ from the dead is working in me right now to do what He's called me to do right here right now" These were cross-centered MRI thoughts that only came as a result of God's grace supernaturally at work in my tension-wracked anxious heart. All praise be to God that He empowered me to somehow swallow and choke back the nausea without having to stop the test.

What a kind "Daddy" I have. I'm grateful. I love Him more as a result than I did this morning. Though I'm discouraged with the test results, I can truly say I'm grateful. He has spared me from a tumor or cancer or other life-threatening situation. He has given me another "square one." Though I'm fearful to start over with no apparent reasons for what's been going on in my body, He won't stop sustaining now. He is good. Though I was praying for a cut and dry answer of "oh, now we understand... this is what is causing the pain... let's go in and fix it and then you'll be okay with no more struggles or pain or anything," He knows that's not what's best. He knows what is wrong in my body and He will sustain me until either the day it is resolved or until the day I die. Either way... either path... either result, He is there. And He will provide just enough light for me to take one more step in faith... and then one more again... and then...

The next step looks like... make it through this weekend... try to research and find out what else could be causing this... "TRUST IN ME"... beg my Physician for a cure... trust in Him even if no cure comes... quit comparing myself to other people's trials and rejoice in the all-sustaining Grace He's providing for me right now where I am in my current weakness. Love and whole-heartedly embrace this current weakness because it points me to Him. Be confused and discouraged as necessary but let that only point me to the throne of Grace where I have been promised (and consistently already shown) help in my time of need.

I can honestly say that I'm okay with "no." I was praying for "yes." I'm discouraged with "no" but I know my God wouldn't have given that answer unless it was the best answer possible from an all-loving, all-knowing Father who pities His children and rejoices in giving good gifts. So, with that in mind, I can be confident that "no" is a good gift. that "yes" would not have been. And that He will continue to support and impart grace as we encounter who knows how many more "yes's" and "no's."

I know that no matter what God is at the bottom of it all. My God is sovereign. That is a comfort. I'm weak and that's what's best. He will, like a flower garden in the spring, continue to unveil more depth to His beauty and greatness as I delve deeper into that garden of His great unsearchable character. He is not limited by a "no" on an MRI. He could heal me today. He could choose never to heal me. But I am confident in this... He will be with me, carrying me each step of the uncertain way. And nothing that I feel, and no tears of unbelief and fear that I cry will change that. He is constant. He is sustaining. That alone is my hope. That is my only source of confidence and my only reason for joy. But that's so much more than enough.

Only Two Answers

Rick often says that there are only two answers to all of life's problems - the Gospel or pride. This means that often our answer is simply to realize that the cross paid the penalty for our sin completely and has permanently and wholly transformed our nature and also often the answer is repentence.

That is so simple its hard to forget it. I tend to overcomplicate things so that there are 43 layers to work through, then I get overwhelmed and quit. 2 answers/ 2 solutions is doable. So, I was thinking through how this works out in my life. Do I really believe it? Do I truly live knowing these are the only 2 solutions I'll ever need?

I was thinking through this and for my life, have changed it and tweaked it a bit. The two answers to all my problems can be found in my Jesus or in my idolatry. my Jesus because its about a personal relationship. The gospel is deeper than some foreign person doing some foreign act to rescue some unknown sinner to him. It is about a Father loving his child so much that He sacrifices and gives His Son. Its about that Son loving His Father so much that He obeyed and was willing to offer up His perfect life as a sacrifice for the shredded pieces of mine. Its about care, concern, love, compassion and joy. The answer to my problems can be found in my relationship with my Friend. It is found in my Savior and my Father.

The other flip-side of this coin is my idolatry (or pride). Idolatry is saying that something other than Jesus Christ is enough for me. Not that Jesus meets my basic needs and leaves me there, but that He wholly satisfies and completes EVERY part of me. Anything less is idolatry. That's why CJ says there are no days off allowed. This is pervasive. Idols invade every area. Idols draw my gaze away from my Hope. Idols show me my sin and leave me condemned. Idols leave me empty. Yet I run, like a monkey after that banana knowing in an hour I'll be hungry again.

Yet Jesus says "come - to you who are thirsty - come, buy and eat. Buy food without price, eat and be satisfied, find rest... if you're weary, just rest in me. I'm holding you in the waves. I'm meeting your needs in a trillion unaware ways. I care for you. I satisfy. Don't look to fill in the blank to satsify you. Don't think that when you're out of debt or skinnier or married or... that you will be complete. Find your complete satsifaction in me - where you are today. Enjoy today and what I'm doing now. Enjoy me now, let love for me consume your thoughts."

You'll Never Guess Who I Just Saw...

So, last night I saw Jesus. Well, I guess the proper way to say that would be that I saw a reflection of Jesus. But you know how sometimes you look in the water and the reflection is not clear and then other times you look and its just like looking into a sea of glass - the water is so smooth that you not only see a distorted figure, but instead details clearer than you ever thought possible through a mirror? That's what last night was. The picture I saw of Jesus was beautiful. It was absolutely stunning!

SuperBowl XVII - Giants vs Patriots. Feb 3rd 2008, though for me won't be remembered only by the great upset, fumbles, amazing passes and according to Rick, the best Super Bowl game ever played by mankind. It won't be remembered by the fantastic memories such as Hannah performing CPR on herself, Josh R almost throwing up on Jess, and me scaring everyone with "the Vampire." Instead, it will be remembered much longer for the glimpse of my sweet Savior. Matt Rawlings encouraged the guys to lead by planning and organizing the entire event. So, the guys, led by JB, stepped up to the plate and hit a grand slam. We gals asked probably a million times over the last few weeks "can we do anything to help? can we bring anything? please let us do something..." And each time they just smiled and said "we've got it all under control" yet each time I could see a slight fear in their eyes and a hesitation to even acknowledge that it was all under control. When, at lunch the guys said things along the lines of "we don't know how to make cheese dip - I hope it turns out" it didn't cause me to arrive with high expectations.

To be honest with you, I went into tonight expecting to have fun, have a half-decent dinner but more than that to simply enjoy the fellowship with my brothers and friends. I knew I would have a good time, and I knew we would have something edible for dinner, but that was about it. The guys sent us upstairs as soon as we got there so they could finish the preparations. When they called us downstairs I was in awe. Never in a million years did I expect what was waiting for us in the dining room. What a beautiful spread!!! What preparation and detail they put into this event simply to bless and encourage us. What a clear picture of the unfailing love of my Savior - the minute details were planned. The entire thing was breathtaking. Nothing was random. Everything was planned and detailed. All the way down to the napkins spiraled around simply to make it pretty. Seriously, what guy would think to "spiral" a stack of napkins?? God was at work here and my respect and love for these guys was exponentially increased.

Biblical manhood was on display in a glorious way. You expect to see "men" at a SuperBowl party but we saw giants (and I'm not talking the team). Our drinks were not empty once (well, maybe once or twice when they were spilled). The whole time, the guys were caring and serving - it was an ongoing thing. They were not there for the game. They came to serve so that we could enjoy.

It was as if God was speaking to me and saying "Emily - look at what these guys did for all of you - they did this to serve all of you and they did it with joy and out of love for you. This is what I do too. I gave for you - I planned each event down to the most minute detail simply to show you my love. Nothing that happened here was random and nothing that happens in your life is random. Nothing here happened without sacrifice. Look at how much I love you! Look at the care I give! Not only did I meet your needs, I did it in a way that was good for you (hurray for fresh pineapple and grapes), in a way that was beautiful and specific and in a way that you enjoyed! Most of the work they did was behind the scenes and most of what I do in your life is the same - often you are unaware of the care I give - often you are unaware that I'm the One who's holding you up in the waves. But even when you're unaware - I'm there. And in my kindness for you, my Child, I give you little glimpses of who I am and what I've done and am doing."

Tonight was a glimpse. It was only the fringes of His ways. What lavish care my Father dumps on me. What amazing undeserved grace. WOW! I am still in tears as I think about it. During the prayer before dinner as JB was praying we'd be encouraged and blessed and that we would know how much we were loved - I don't think he fully knew the depths that it would go in my heart. What a magnificient, awe-inspiring, undeserved, beautiful friend my Jesus is!

Job 26:14 Behold, these are but the outskirts of his ways, and how small a whisper do we hear of him! But the thunder of his power who can understand?"

What is His Name?

Who is God?
...God is my Father (1 Pe 1:3)
...the blessed Comforter through trials. (Ps 23:3-4)
...sends afflictions upon His children (me) for their good (Purifier).
...bounds Satan's rage and overrules Sin's malice (All-Powerful).
...works to refine, not to destroy (Loving)
...sits by the fire to ensure protection (Malachi 3:3) (Protector)
... He appointed, manages and restrains the fires (1 Pe 4:12) (Guide)
...He is infinitely caring (1 Pe 5:6)
...He is a faithful Creator (1 Pe 4:19)
...the hope for endurance in trials (James 1:12, 1 Pe 1:13)
…an immoveable Foundation (Job 23:13)
…a Shelter from storms (Ps 142:5)
…Unsinkable in the waves of change (1 Pe 5:10)

The all-sufficiency of Christ

The all sufficiency of Christ
(Octavius Winslow, "It Is Well" 1860)

"From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:16

Look away from . . . your sins, your backslidings, your unfruitfulness, your infirmities, your shortcomings, and your flaws.

Look to Christ, and get a closer, clearer, fuller view of the cross.

The all sufficiency of Christ meets your case.

Sweet truth!

I ask not how peculiar, how aggravated, how desperate, how discouraging, the state of your soul may be. I hesitate not to affirm that such is Christ, such His love, His compassion, His fullness, His power.

Your condition of soul comes within the scope of His sufficiency.

Christ's merit meets your demerit.
Christ's unchangeableness meets your backslidings.
Christ's grace meets your corruptions.
Christ's blood meets your guiltiness.
Christ's fullness meets your emptiness.
Christ's power meets your impossibilities.
Christ's compassion meets your misery.
Christ's sympathy meets your sorrow.
Christ's intercession covers all your circumstances and needs.

"From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:16

My needs ... His fullness ...

My needs--His fullness!
(James Meikle, May 24, 1757)

All plenitude is in Christ, to answer all the needs of His people. In Christ dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily, that out of His fullness I may receive all spiritual blessings!

Have I destroyed myself by sin? I have deliverance from Him who is mighty to save from sin and wrath!

Is my foolish mind darkened? Am I a guilty, polluted, and ruined wretch? Jesus is my wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption!

Is my life fleeting--and passing away like a shadow? Jesus is the Ancient of days, and endures for evermore!

Are my days short-lived and full of trouble? Jesus is my life, the length of my days, and the joy of my heart!

Am I exposed to contempt? Jesus shall be my crown of glory, and diadem of beauty!

Am I traveling through the wilderness? Jesus is my staff, and on Him I lean all the way!

Am I on my last journey to my long home? Jesus is my leader, and my rewarder!

Am I a sheep? Jesus is my pasture, and my green pasture too!

Am I hungry and thirsty? Jesus is my heavenly manna, and gives me to drink of the water of life!

Am I weary? Jesus is my rest and refreshing!

Am I weak? Jesus is my strength! Am I oppressed and wronged? Jesus is my judge, and my avenger!

Am I reproached? The reproach of His people, Jesus will wipe away!

Am I a soldier? Jesus is my Captain and shield!

Must I fight in the field of battle? Jesus is my armor in the day of war!

Do I sit in darkness? Jesus is my light!

Do I have doubts? Jesus is my counselor!

Am I ignorant? Jesus is my wisdom!

Am I guilty? Jesus is my justification!

Am I filthy? Jesus is my sanctification!

Am I dead in sin? Jesus is my life, and quickens those who are dead in trespasses and sins!

Am I poor? Jesus is the pearl of great price, and has immeasurable riches!

Am I blind? Jesus, and none but He can open the eyes of one born blind!

Am I naked? Jesus has white clothing to cover the shame of my nakedness!

Am I in the very utmost necessity? Jesus is a very present help in time of trouble!

Am I exposed to the hurricanes of adversity?
Jesus is . . .
a refuge from the storm;
a shelter from the blast;
rivers of water in a desert;
the shadow of a great rock in a weary land!

Am I afraid of being left alone? Jesus will never leave me, nor forsake me!

Do friends and brethren prove false? Jesus is the friend who sticks closer than a brother!

Am I in danger from diseases and death; or from sin and Satan? My life is hidden with Christ in God! When He shall appear, I shall appear with Him--immortal in my body, and glorious in my soul!

Is my case considered in the court of heaven? There Jesus is my Advocate!

Do I offend the Father? Jesus is my Intercessor!

Do I suffer in my body, and am I grieved in my mind? Jesus bore my infirmities, and carried my griefs!

Is my mind disquieted, and my soul debarred from peace?

Jesus is my sympathetic High Priest! He was tempted in all points, and knows how to support those who are tempted!

Am I poor in my circumstances? Jesus, the heir of all things!

Though He was rich, yet for my sake He became poor, that I through His poverty might be made rich!

Do I suffer in my character? Jesus was numbered with transgressors, called a Samaritan, a glutton, a drunkard, and a devil!

Am I bereaved or alone? Well, Jesus in the fatal night was left alone; all the disciples forsook Him and fled! Jesus, my only friend, can never die!

Must I undergo death and be laid in the grave? Jesus has taken away the sting of death, and robbed the grave of its victory!

Must I rot in the grave? Jesus shall be my resurrection,and raise me to immortality and bliss!

Would I go to God and to glory? Jesus is my way, and must admit me into the palace of the great King, where I shall abide forever!

In summary, Jesus is . . .
my brother,
my physician,
my prophet,
my priest,
my king,
my father,
my head,
my husband!

In eternity, when I shall dwell in the land of bliss, in the city of God--Jesus will be the light thereof!

And since I am to worship there forever, He will be the temple of all the redeemed!

My needs are many, but His fullness is infinitely more!

The morning dews and fructifying showers water the fields, and refresh the parched furrows. But what are they, compared to the exhaustless ocean of Jesus?

What is all that I enjoy here below, compared to the exuberant fullness of the heavenly bliss? O! then, how shall my soul be replenished--when possessed of this infinite All, through eternity itself!

Great Sinner / Greater Savior

"I am a great sinner, and Christ is a great Savior." John Newton

1 John 1:5-10
This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

3 denials of sin:
1. I don't sin. There's no sinful nature in me.
2. I'm not that bad.
3. God's lying - I'm really okay.

He starts by showing them the nature of God - He is light (all is exposed by His light).

"We believe the sun is risen not because we see it but because by it we see everything else." CS Lewis

God's light exposes the genuineness of your salvation. In light of the gospel how do I humbly deal with remaining indwelling sin?

Progressive sanctification (spiritual growth) comes when we admit we're sinners, believe we have a great Savior and are more aware of the indwelling Christ than our indwelling sin.

1. 1 John 1:5-10 teaches us about the reality of indwelling sin.
Sin is not simply eradicated in the life of a Christian.

The denial of the reality of indwelling sin leads to danger (we deceive ourselves - v.6, reject our need for cleansing, transparency, confession, etc...) We find ourselves using euphamisms and living with a "victim" mentality. This leads to an attack on God's charachter. (we have no sinful nature, have not ever sinned...)

Our hope for the future is not to run from the reality of indwelling sin in our lives - I Tim. 1:15 (The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.) The more Paul understood the gospel, the more he saw who he truly was (from least of disciples to worst of sinners).

The "stoplights" in our lives reveal a lot about our sin.

Denying the reality of sin is turning away from God's light to darkness.

2. 1 John 1:5-10 teaches us about the greater truth of the indwelling Christ. (v.7 and 9 - But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin . . . If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.)

What motivates us to walk in the light?? The gospel - the blood of Jesus Christ that cleanses us from ALL sin (my sin, not in part but the whole)

There is more mercy in Christ than sin in me (Phil 1:6, Phil 2, Rom 6:14). God does not stop with our sin - there is a Savior!

Confession does not cleanse - Christ's sacrifice does. When I confess - He is faithful! Confession is a desire to walk in His light. It is specific and is based soley on Christ's work on the cross. Confession brings fellowship, freedom and opens the door to grace.

How does God respond to us?
He is faithful (because He is holy, He can never be unfaithful)
God is just (He cleanses us because of Jesus' sacrifice)

Questions/ Application:
1. I want to walk in light but I still sin? Am I still a Christian?
2. How do I have fellowship with God and others in light of my sin? by humbly acknoledging sin
3. My sin is so discouraging - is there really hope for change? Yes, He is faithful.
4. Does God grow weary or give up on me because of my sin? No - according to Heb 13, He is abounding in steadfast love!
5. What will others think of my sin? John 1:7 - walk in light = fellowship. Honesty strengthens our relationships.

1. Evaluate how you think about sin. ignore it? overanalyze?
2. When you awake each day are you more aware of your sin or of God's grace? (if answer = sin, then you have an incomplete view of the gospel. Study the cross).
3. Begin practicing humble confession to God (and others as applicable) and watch how He begins to supernaturally respond.

Is Anybody Home?

-following post originally posted at http://www.theblazingcenter.com/

When the storms of life strike with fury it can seem like God has turned on his answering machine and dozed off. We can doubt if he hears our prayers. Does God really know how bad we have it? We may think Hey, we're suffering down here - is there anybody up there?

The Israelites probably felt like that. They groaned under the whip of Egyptian thugs and cried out to God for rescue. But they received no answer. The heavens must have seemed like brass. Could God see them suffering? Was he off running the universe with no time for them? Was anybody home?

During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew. Exodus 2:23-25

This passage tells us 4 things to remember in our trials.
First of all, God heard.
Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to him. He heard their prayers. He wasn't tuned out, listening to his iPod. He wasn't distant and uninterested, but nearby and attentive. Not only did God hear their cries, he heard their groaning. What a wonderful God we have - he hears not only our prayers, but our sighs and inarticulate groans. Just as a father hears the groans of his suffering child and has compassion, so does God hear our groans with pity. We should never think God doesn't listen to our prayers. The God who heard Jonah's cry from the whale's belly and Israel's cry in Egyptian slavery hears us. The Lord who collects our tears in his bottle hears our every whispered request.

Secondly, God remembered.
He remembered his covenant. Not that God had forgotten it. But he remembered his covenant with intent to act upon it. God remembers his covenant that he made with his children through Christ. He remembers his promises to never stop doing good to us. He recalls his promise to work all things for our good. He remembers his promise to never leave us nor forsake us. If Christ has saved you, never ever think that God has forgotten you.

Third, God saw.
He saw the Egyptian bullies beating his children. If I saw someone picking on one of my kids, I'd be on it like a hawk on a field mouse. Nothing in all creation is hidden from his gaze. God has his eye on your suffering and has compassion on you. He's not asleep. He sees the sparrows in your back yard. How much more does he see you, the apple of his eye, his child through Christ.

Lastly, God knew.
He knew what was happening. And he knew what he was going to do. He knew he would bring Egypt to its knees and deliver Israel with a mighty hand. God looks at you and knows. He knows what you're facing in infinite detail. And he knows exactly how he's going to help you. He knows the second your troubles began and the second he will stop them.

God hears, remembers, sees and knows. Cry out to him today. He's waiting to help.

How Long?

How long O Lord?
Must I keep knocking at Your door?
How long must I be waiting?
I’ve prayed to You,
but I don’t hear You speak.
I’m waiting still
and I am getting weak.

My child, I know
what you’re going through.
I know your fears
because I created you.
And each step you take
I gave to you.
And I prepared
what you have been going through.
And you want to understand,
you want to know,
but I have engraved
you on the palm of My hand.
You want to feel my nearness,
to hear me speak,
but my power is perfected
in the humble and the weak.

I’ve spoken words just for you.
I gave my Son to deliver you.
And forever you’ll hear
the sound of my voice,
saying I brought you near,
so you can rejoice.

But, for now
I’m calling you to trust,
I’m calling you to believe,
that I am a faithful God
to you.

For now,
I’m calling you to believe
what you cannot see.
But, what you know is true.
I can hear you,
I am near you.

(believe that He rewards those that seek Him.)

as i was reading through this, i started noticing for the first time all that God is doing here. "I know, I created, I prepared, I gave" etc. I never noticed how much this song portrays of His faithfulness. and also how that faithfulness is contrasted with our weakness. "must I keep knocking?, must I be waiting? I don't hear you. I'm waiting still. I'm getting weak. I want to understand, I want to know. I want to feel, I want to hear...

Those requests are very self focused (as my prayers often are in my life - God I want to know, I want to see) instead of being properly God focused. Where does my answer lie? Its not in my finding and hearing and seeing.

And what does God say? First, He's patient. My questions - God, do I have to be going through this?

His answer? I know,... I 'm calling you to remember what (and WHO) it's all about "I brought you near (gospel) so you can rejoice (in My faithfulness, not in your circumstances). Believe what you can't see (Heb 11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.)

This verse talks about God as a rewarder. and there's also a command that we MUST believe this. I don't often believe it. What's the answer? Christ died for my sins. What greater reward in life could there be? Why do I doubt the "lesser" rewards? That's the power that He has - He's not a weak, incompetent God that has forgotten about me. He's mighty.

And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets— who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection... (Heb 11:32-35)

"By faith, made strong out of weakness." I pray that God would give me the faith to trust in His strength, repent of my self-sufficiency (realize my weakness) and find His strength, His power, His reward, His faithfulness, His activity, His compassion... How do I do this?

What's the answer? Christ died for my sins.

Communion - retreat recap

How is communion with God is possible? Through His word - He has not abandoned us though Jesus is not physically here with us. He has sent a helper (a comforter, an advocate, one who interceeds, one who guides, one who directs).
How does He direct? Through His word. How does He interceed? Through prayer.

Those should be the two items of first priority in my life. Do I hunger daily for the Word like a baby crying uncontrollably for milk? Do I recognize that as my greatest need? When I see God's glory as that of ultimate relevance, everything else becomes meaningless.

"I did not really understand what the gospel was about so therefore there was no change in my life."

1. Growth in godliness. 1 Tim. 4:8
"For while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come."
It does matter how I live my life and what I do. Jesus was not a complainer (Is. 53:7, Mk. 15:5, 1 Pet. 2:23). He didn't demand "his rights." He was a servant to all (Mk. 10:45). Its not about my rights - God put me here to serve others (not Mk. 10:35 rather Mk 10:49).

2. Love my "family." Titus 2:4
"and so train the young women to love their husbands and children."
As a "younger woman" I must place myself in a posture of submission to the older women of the church so that I can learn/ grow from them. We don't have to learn everything the hard way - listen and learn from others. Be patient - change does not happen overnight. Don't rely on your own strength (Prov. 3:5, 1 Cor 1:7-9).

3. Serve the Church. 1 Peter 4:10
"as each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as stewards of God's varied grace."
God, in his grace, does not give each of us the same gifts at the same time. He varies them so that we can effectively serve each other (note: its NOT about me!). I shouldn't be comparing my gifts to others because God in his sovereignty has given me exactly what I need right now. ! Cor. 1:2-3

4. Fellowship with Christians. 1 Jn. 1:7
"But if we walk in the light as He is in the light we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin."
He is the light. There are no shadows or places to hide. It exposes what is truly there. A result of walking with Him is relationships with others on a deeper level. We're all in this together. I need to actively pursue others and mortify my desire to hide (Gen 3:7-10). The cross has destroyed my need to hide (from God or others) because I'm justified before Him and on equal playing field with others. There is no need to fear or be condemned by my conscience (Rom. 8:1-4).

5. Evangelize non-Christians. Mk 16:15
"and He said to them, "Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation"."
God's desire is that the gospel is proclaimed wherever we go. How do we do this? By living a life worthy of the gospel. (Phil 1:27). Jesus has healed us - he has opened our eyes (Mk. 10:45-52). The truth of the gospel has transformed who we are. My responsibility is to live with that always in mind. My response should be an attitude of gratefulness (1 Thes. 5:18, Col. 3:17) that is drastically different from the "what's in it for me" typical complaining attitude of this world. What a great way to show the hope in Christ that passes all human understanding (Phil 4:7).

6. Attend to my work. Col 3:23
"whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men."
The gospel affects every part of my life and everything I do must be for my Savior. His approval is the only one that matters (note that He has created me to work for His approval). I can't be haphazard in my work because he wants it to be whole-heartedly given to him (1 Cor. 10:31).

7. Care for my Physical Body. 1 Cor 6:19
"or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have for God."
He indwells me. He is always with me - wherever I go, He's there. He will not leave us as orphans. He hasn't abandoned us. I wouldn't let the church building fall apart. Why? Because it is a reflection of God. How much more focus then should I put on taking care of my own body as the temple of Christ? Mark 11:15-18.

Application:
Change is a process. Often we are unaware of the steps, but we have the promise that He will complete what He's begun. Don't be discouraged when "change isn't happening" for there is always a hand holding me up and a fire melting my heart of stone. The flame of the cross never burns out. It is never an old story - daily it brings life. Run to the cross. Cling to the life found in this death. Find joy in this upside down kingdom. But don't do it on your own. You must cry out "I believe, help my unbelief." Have hope that He is faithful and will bring you and present you faultless before the throne as you grow in godliness. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Cry with David "great is the Lord" in the midst of trials and uncertainty. Live to give. Don't value return of investment here in this life - eternity is what matters.