Yo-Yo

... a picture of my life lately.

thanks Christa and Jess... yesterday was encouraging. today however...

*sigh*

I am so glad that my Jesus is holding my yo-yo of life. He is sovereignly ordaining each up and each down. He is full of love and compassion and each day I take a breath is a testimony of that.

So, in the midst of a "down" today, I am seeking to be grateful. Grateful because I have received mercy. Grateful because I have a Savior that has compassion on me in my weakness. Grateful because He has promised mercy and help in my times of need.

So, God, help. I need mercy. Again. I don't deserve it. But I guess that's the point...

Hope in He who brings the rain

Jeremiah 14:22

Are there any among the false gods of the nations that can bring rain? Or can the heavens give showers? Are you not he, O Lord our God? We set our hope on you, for you do all these things.

Rest

have been somewhat absent lately... sorry about that. God seems to be working in my heart to learn to simply rest... so this week (vacation week) has been a week of relaxing, resting, enjoying music and friends and hiking and pools.

I love what I can learn about my God through nature. I learn that He is powerful. I see that He loves diversity. I love viewing His creativity. I'm glad that though I change like the seasons do, my God never changes. There is something special to me about hiking through the mountains viewing His creation and simply standing in awe of His power.

Can I just say...I love my singles group. We got together at the guy's duplex tonight for pizza. Its weird now... 5 years ago our singles group was consisted of 5 girls and 2 guys. Tonight, of the 20+ people that were there, the vast majority were guys. How cool is that?

Matthew Eastin stepped it up once again. The guy is really becoming a great leader. Its cool to watch. He cares specifically and serves quietly. He is truly an example.

I love hearing the guys pray. I love seeing their interaction with each other. I love watching them prepare the food (thanks Ryan for the yummy salad!) and doing it with such excellence. They are the coolest guys ever and are really gifts to our church. I was grateful to meet Carl - a brand new Christian who will be celebrating 3 weeks tomorrow of his union with Christ. Yay!!! I am humbled by Willie's service and passion. I am motivated by Casear's and Willie's passion for the lost.

I left tonight, yet again reminded of God's provision.

So, again, the command is rest. sit quietly. hope for Me. Look to Me. Rejoice in the midst of trials because I am your hope. Live in light of the stedfast hope you have in Me!

John 14... Jesus is Speaking

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you.

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Arise, let us go hence.

verses 1, 18, 20, 27, 31 taken from John 14 (KJV)

I Will Sing

I will sing of your strength;

I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.

For you have been to me a fortress

and a refuge in the day of my distress.

O my Strength,

I will sing praises to you,

for you, O God, are my fortress,

the God who shows me steadfast love.

Psalm 59

Taste and See

Your words were found and I ate them, and they became a delight to me and a joy to my soul...

For I lead the blind in ways that they do not know... I do not forsake them.

Oh taste and see that the Lord is good...


I enjoy good cuisine. I enjoy beautiful scenery. But nothing compares to tasting and seeing God's goodness. Nothing compares to the magnificence of His blessing. Nothing so adequately defines my weakness as when I see God's power on display. Nothing makes me desire God more than when I see a glimpse of Him as all desirable.

My friends, I'm overwhelmed. I've cried all day. This morning, I was yawning and exhaustedly limping into work. Then God fed me richly with Psalm 62 (I've "bolded" the words that He specifically used this morning)

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah

Those of low estate are but a breath; those of high estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath.

Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery; if riches increase, set not your heart on them.

Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this: that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord, belongs steadfast love. For you will render to a man according to his work.

The first thought I had when I read that last verse was "I'm glad that's not true. I deserve hell. He's not going to render to me what I deserved. Because of the cross, because of the substitutionary perfect life of Christ, He looks at me with acceptance and pleasure. What grace! How that is undeserved!

Little did I know the roller coaster was about to take another flip - except this time it was behind my back and I couldn't see it coming...

One of the managers at work came to my desk and mentioned that he needed to talk to me when I was off the phone (I was fighting with the insurance company about the $1404 that they say I owe them from my MRI). I got off the phone and Siggi (my boss) reminded me that I needed to go talk to Jeff.
Weird.

So, I went over to Jeff (one of the manager's that is equal with my boss but I don't really work for him though I do work with him some and help him out as needed). He mentioned that he wanted to talk to me, and could we go in the conference room. He then told Siggi that we were going to meet and could he join us. The 45 seconds it took us to walk to the room, I was wondering what this was about but I wasn't nervous.

We sat down and Jeff says "are you nervous yet?" =)
I said "why, should I be??" =)

That's when he proceeded to tell me that what he was about to tell me was that he wants to offer me a position in program planning. That is the department that looks at the requirements from assembly and plans how the cars are going to be organized (by discussing with other departments in Germany and an overall view of how the plant functions and what would be the best steps to take). Basically, easily explained, look at the big picture, break it down to the itty bitty parts and then like a puzzle, put it back together in the best way possible.

Honestly, it is one of those jobs I always thought would be a great job but never thought I could get. There are only 11 people in that department and there were no planned openings anytime in the next 5 years.

Um, can you say overwhelmed?? Tina (who will be my boss) hand picked me because she has been watching my work now for months and has been working on getting this approved for literally 6 months! I'm blown away. I'm SO excited.

That's the cake...

...here's the icing...

Someone contacted the church office today (aka Jess) and wanted to register me for the Worship God conference.

WHAT?!!?#$$#(*$? :) Are you kidding me?

Psalm 62 was what God reminded me this morning. He rewards those who trust in Him. He is faithful. He is 2 things: powerful and steadfastly loving.

He is ridiculously amazing if you ask me.

There are no words to describe it. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve yet another blessing - I fail to trust Him. I doubt His goodness. I question His ways. I complain about my current state. And He says wait, hope, rest and trust while you are pouring out your heart to Me.

And still, I fail there. I don't wait with excellence. I don't rest without trying to plan out the next 23 steps. I don't trust without questioning "what if." I pour out my heart to my laptop and fail to do so to my Jesus.

Yet He still chooses to bless. I don't get it. I don't deserve such kindness. Doesn't He know I didn't perfectly believe He really would bless?

Yet, still He chooses to.

Taste and See...

Taste through those words that were found.
See because He brings sight to the blind as He leads and as they pour out their hearts.

What a feast! What a view!
What a God!

Needful Grace

"As your days, so shall your strength be." —Deuteronomy 33:25

God does not give grace until the hour of trial comes. But when it does come the amount of grace, and the nature of the special grace required is granted. My soul! do not dwell with painful apprehension on the future. Do not anticipate coming sorrows; perplexing yourself with the grace needed for future emergencies; tomorrow will bring its promised grace along with tomorrow's trials. God, wishing to keep His people humble, and dependent on Himself, gives not a stock of grace; He metes it out for every day's exigencies, that they may be constantly "traveling between their own emptiness and Christ's fullness"—their own weakness and Christ's strength. But when the exigency comes, you may safely trust an Almighty arm to bear you through!

Is there now some "thorn in the flesh" sent to lacerate you? You may have been entreating the Lord for its removal. Your prayer has, doubtless, been heard and answered; but not in the way, perhaps, expected or desired by you. The "thorn" may still be left to goad, the trial may still be left to buffet; but "more grace" has been given to endure them. Oh! how often have His people thus been led to glory in their infirmities and triumph in their afflictions, seeing the power of Christ rests more abundantly upon them! The strength which the hour of trial brings, often makes the Christian a wonder to himself!

excerpt from John MacDuff "The Faithful Promiser" 1849

A Real Inheritance

So, God's rather interesting. He promises to meet our needs. But I'm discovering that He often does not do that in ways that we think is best. Here's my story...

As most of you know, I'm working to get out of debt. I have made good progress, but unfortunately, still have a ways to go. God's given me much grace through this process and has lovingly allowed friends to surround me who are helping to encourage me, keep me accountable, working with me on budgeting, etc. Its been a long process and I'm ready for it to be over. I've managed to have some $ set aside in savings as an emergency fund. Well, as a result of the migraines, the $ has pretty much all been used for doctor's bills. I was nervous about this (aka. not trusting God) because my appointment tomorrow will completely wipe my savings dry. Then what? Then how do I pay the unexpected bills? What if my car breaks down? What am I supposed to do then?

Needless to say, fear began welling up in my heart. I think that I've begun to find a small sense of security in that miniscule emergency fund. Strike out again. Trusting in created things rather than the Creator.

Well, my sister just came back from a visit with our grandparents and had a bag of goodies for me. In that bag was a $500 savings bond that my grandparents had purchased in 1990, that was now more than fully matured and that is part of my inheritance. They wanted me to have it early (completely unaware of the inner struggle I've been having lately regarding my finances).

My first repsponse was anger. I saw that God provided for my need but not in the way I would have planned or expected. I hated to have to spend this inheritance money on doctors visits.

And then it was as if God were asking me "Emily, where is your true inheritance? Its not in savings bonds. Its not in using that money to buy something nice that you will have here on this earth for the next 50 or 60 years. Your true inheritance is something that won't ever be taken away. Its so much greater than a savings bond. And you're mad because I'm providing your need? How foolish. Look at what I've given you. Look at how I've provided. I meet your needs. I care for you. I sovereignly provided this money exactly when you needed it. That should be reason to rejoice, not a cause for justified anger. I have lovingly and patiently and compassionately met every single financial need you have. Rest in my provision. Even when it doesn't come in ways you expect. Rejoice in My soverignty. I intimately care for your needs. I orchestrate events so that your needs will be met. Rest there. Rest in my care. Rest in my love, though it is not in a way you would have chosen. Rejoice that I meet your needs. Rejoice that my ways are beyond your realm of understanding. Rest and rejoice in Me!"

Wow. Not the response I had planned on. What a reminder. What we have here is passing away, but what He provides will never be taken. The inheritance we have through Him is imperishable, undefiled and unfading. That one is kept in heaven for us. Nothing can remove that from me! What a God this is. What care and provision. I am so unworthy. I am painfully aware of my sin before Him and yet He lavishes grace upon grace. Though not the way I would have chosen, God has once again proven His kind providence in my life. He has once again lovingly and patiently reminded me of His care. He has once again reminded me that my unworthiness was paid for on that cross of Jesus, and that for me - the hope is a future for me because of the price my Jesus paid.

A sweeter, holier life

(by Octavius Winslow, "The Overflowing Cup")

"Cast all your care upon Him; for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

A sweeter, holier life we cannot live, than a life of daily, childlike reliance upon the providential care of our Heavenly Father.

day 30

I know God sustains and is bigger than death. I believe that He is good and does not leave us alone in our troubles. that He leads us when we're blind, that he comforts us when we're tired, that he feeds us when we have no money to buy food, he provides when we're needy. i know that. i've experienced all of that in this past month of hell. but i'm struggling to be controlled by what's true vs my emotions.

Emotions:
i'm still discouraged. today its been 30 days - that's not a big deal (but it is). it's a dash. but it feels like forever. talking yesterday with Matthew E. and hearing that my pain has been worse than his was and that it took him 6 months of therapy to recover made me want to scream. or cry.

I’m tired of hurting when there's no reason or explanation as to why this is going on. tired of fighting for a raise that was promised months ago but hasn't come yet. tired of having to always ask for it. tired of still being in limbo with the job thing until my boss hires someone for my current position. tired of taking medicine. tired of being tired. tired of hurting. tired that i can't do the things that i love (singing and german) without it making me hurt worse.

honestly right now i'm feeling like i'm dangling on a little string over a cliff. biblical terms... i'm tired of trusting because i'm tired of my cross. guess i'm tired of where God has me because it sucks and i'm ready for "not sucking" fields of green pastures and streams of still waters. every time i feel God has pushed me so far beyond my limit that it HAS to be the last straw, he throws in another straw. I’ve started a collection now.

Truth:
I lead the blind in ways they do not know.
My grace is sufficient for all your weakness.
It is finished.
Come, you who are thirsty. Come drink. Come buy without money, eat and be satisfied.
I will not leave you
I will not forsake you.
As a man, I can relate to your struggles
As a father pities his children...
Like a loving shepherd, I lead, guide and care for you.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand...

Praise God for 60%

Electrical stimulation therapy... i think that's what they call it. its like a little drill with 2 rounded heads on it that go on either side of your upper spine and then pumps electrical currents into your body.

i call it an answer to prayer (even if only temporary). God is kind. The past 2 days have been significantly better than the previous 18. After functioning 18 days at 10%, seeing a 50% improvement is really a gift from God. I'm grateful for 60%.

still very aware of my limitation and confident that the migraine is still there (but simply shocked for a while), but nonetheless grateful for small gifts. God's mercy is on display in my heart right now. His mercy - giving me a day with minimized pain. I really do love Him more than I did a month ago. He's bigger. exponentially.

Like Eustace, I can't peel my dragon layers off... Like Lucy, when I come back and see another glimpse its like "Aslan, my how you've grown" "No, my child. I'm the same size. But as you get older, I grow larger in your eyes." Either way... He's growing in my eyes. not that I've achieved. or am even close...

Matt asked us in care group last week if we had a time when our relationship with God was especially sweet and where there was an extraordinary depth and specialness present. That's been the last month or so for me. This has been sweet. I pray that sweetness continues even if the migraines don't. And I'm really praying they don't. I don't like this and wouldn't have picked it. But in spite of that, there is a special, almost holy sweetness. Times of suffering can be sweet fellowship and growth periods, but oh, to have that same growth and desire during times of ease. I think that requires an extra measure of grace. to feel strong yet continue to acknowledge our neediness. that's not a natural human reaction.

How I long for the day when I will be ruled by truth rather than emotions. My feelings affect so much. the Bible rarely affects to the same effect. I pray that those 2 roles become reversed - that the living words from the Lover of my soul would constantly define and drive me instead of the absence or presence of pain.

i was reminded this morning of the verse "draw near to God and He will draw near to you." What a comfort! As I stumble and bumble anlong, He is guiding each step of the way. As I fail, He is faithful. As I'm hopeless, He reminds me of the hope that can truly only be found in Him. And as I draw near (only through the grace He's imparted to me and through the enablement He's already given me), He continues to reveal more and more layers and depths of His beautiful character.

How cool to know that will never be exhausted. I can't ever draw so near that "i've reached the end." The end is coming. But not here. Not now. I'll always be pursuing. And as I do, He'll simultaneously always be drawing and revealing. But its all because of His grace. All because of His mercy. And all through His work and power.

God is Enough

Psalm 145

The LORD is faithful in all his words
and kind in all his works.
The LORD upholds all who are falling
and raises up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food in due season.
You open your hand;
you satisfy the desire of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and kind in all his works.
The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desire of those who fear him;
he also hears their cry and saves them.

... all of God ...

"Looking back on my past life, I can see that the dawning of it all was of God; of God effectively. I took no torch with which to light the sun, but the sun enlightened me. I did not commence my spiritual life—no, I rather kicked, and struggled against the things of the Spirit: when He drew me, for a time I did not run after Him: there was a natural hatred in my soul of everything holy and good. Wooings were lost upon me—warnings were cast to the wind—thunders were despised; and as for the whispers of His love, they were rejected as being less than nothing and vanity. But, sure I am, I can say now, speaking on behalf of myself, "He only is my salvation." It was He who turned my heart, and brought me down on my knees before Him. I can in very deed, say with Doddridge and Toplady —

"Grace taught my soul to pray,
And made my eyes o'erflow;

and coming to this moment, I can add —

'Tis grace has kept me to this day,
And will not let me go."

The thought struck me, How did you come to be a Christian? I sought the Lord. But how did you come to seek the Lord? The truth flashed across my mind in a moment—I should not have sought Him unless there had been some previous influence in my mind to make me seek Him. I prayed, thought I, but then I asked myself, How came I to pray? I was induced to pray by reading the Scriptures. How came I to read the Scriptures? I did read them, but what led me to do so? Then, in a moment, I saw that God was at the bottom of it all, and that He was the Author of my faith, and so the whole doctrine of grace opened up to me, and from that doctrine I have not departed to this day, and I desire to make this my constant confession, "I ascribe my change wholly to God."

"...the Lord must have loved me before I was born, or else He would not have seen anything in me to love afterwards." I am sure it is true in my case; I believe the doctrine of election, because I am quite certain that, if God had not chosen me, I should never have chosen Him; and I am sure He chose me before I was born, or else He never would have chosen me afterwards; and He must have elected me for reasons unknown to me, for I never could find any reason in myself why He should have looked upon me with special love."

excerpt from Charles Spurgeon's "A defense of Calvinism"
http://www.spurgeon.org/calvinis.htm

I Look to Thee in Every Need

I look to Thee in every need,
and never look in vain;
I feel Thy strong and tender love,
and all is well again.
The thought of Thee is mightier far
than sin and pain and sorrow are.
Discouraged in the work of life,
disheartened by its load,
Shamed by its failures or its fears,
I sink beside the road.
But let me only think of Thee
and then new heart springs up in me.
Thy calmness bends serene above,
my restlessness to still;
Around me flows Thy quickening life,
to nerve my faltering will.
Thy presence fills my solitude,
Thy providence turns all to good.
Enfolded deep in Thy dear love,
held in Thy law, I stand;
Thy hand in all things I behold,
and all things in Thy hand.
Thou leadest me by unsought ways,
and turn my mourning into praise.

- Samuel Longfellow