Medicine

"Trials are medicines which our great and wise Physician prescribes because we need them. He proportions the frequency and weight of them to what our case requires. Let us trust in His skill and thank Him for His prescription."

by John Newton

Beijing

I love the Olympics. I love Asia. What a great combination. But my heart breaks for my Christian brothers and sisters in China. It breaks for the suffering they endure in the name of Jesus.

Click here to find out more.

and here.

and here.

and here.

and here.

As I learn more about my persecuted friends in various places throughout Asia, my heart echos the cry of Revelation 6:9-11 "how long Sovereign Lord." For now, the answer remains "a little while longer." (see 1st Peter for a great perpective on suffering).

So, over the next few weeks, as I watch China at its greatest, I will be praying for the view we don't see on TV... for the people who aren't free to attend the events... for the stories of great heros that remain unspoken.

Out of the Depths

Out of the depths, O Lord, I cry to You

When I am tempted to despair

Though I might fail to trust Your promises

You never fail to hear my prayer
And if You judged my sin

I’d never stand again

But I see mercy in Your hands

So more than watchmen for the morning

I will wait for You, my God

When my fears come with no warning

In Your Word I’ll put my trust

When the harvest time is over and I still see no fruit

I will wait, I will wait for You

The secret mysteries belong to You

We only know what You reveal

And all my questions that are unresolved

Don’t change the wisdom of Your will

In every trial and lossMy hope is in the cross

Where Your compassions never fail

by Bob Kauflin

Yo-Yo

... a picture of my life lately.

thanks Christa and Jess... yesterday was encouraging. today however...

*sigh*

I am so glad that my Jesus is holding my yo-yo of life. He is sovereignly ordaining each up and each down. He is full of love and compassion and each day I take a breath is a testimony of that.

So, in the midst of a "down" today, I am seeking to be grateful. Grateful because I have received mercy. Grateful because I have a Savior that has compassion on me in my weakness. Grateful because He has promised mercy and help in my times of need.

So, God, help. I need mercy. Again. I don't deserve it. But I guess that's the point...

when all you can do is cry...

I'm glad that God is caring and loving when all you can do is cry. I'm glad His ears are open to the cries of His children.

Dave and Melissa Cooper lost their baby last night. Little unborn, baby Jonas Cooper will never grow up to play with his big sister. This fall will not bring a season of new baby clothes and diapers.

I remember Melissa's excitement when she found out she was pregnant. I remember her joy when she learned they were having a boy. Now, I'm hearing of their agony and pain. I'm about to watch my friends embark on some of the deepest suffering they've ever faced.

How kind of God to prepare us. How grateful I am for the warning in 1st Peter: suffering is coming...put your trust in God. Look to Christ as your hope and motivation. Rest there.

So, with tears, I am choosing to rest in God's soveriegnty. With a heavy heart, I resolve to bless, not charge God. And by God's grace, I will join so many from years past who can say, trysting in our faithful God "you give and take away... but blessed be Your Name."

God, help. Help us to remember that even when we can't cry in faith, that You are holding us secure... that nothing is outside of your control - even things that are outside of our understanding.

"...this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."

Confessions

O Lord, I am Thy servant: I am Thy servant and the son of Thy handmaid. Thou hast broken my bonds. I will sacrifice to Thee the sacrifice of praise. Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee, and let all my bones say, O Lord who is like to Thee? Let them say and do Thou answer me and say to my soul: I am thy salvation. Who am I an what kind of man am I? What evil has there not been in my deeds, or if not in my deeds, in my words, or if not in my words, then in my will? But You, Lord, are good and merciful, and Your right hand had regard to the profundity of my death and drew out the abyss of corruption that was in the bottom of my heart. By Your giftI had come totally not to will what I willed but to will what You willed. But where in all that long time was my free will, and from what deep sunken hiding-place was it suddently summoned forth in the moment in which I bowed my neck to Your easy yoke and my shoulders to Your light burden, Christ Jesus, my Helper and my Redeemer? How lovely I suddenly found it to be free from the loveliness of those vanitites, so that now it was a joy to renounce what I had been so afraid to lose. For You cast them out of me, O true and supreme Loveliness, You cast them out of me and took their place in me, You who are sweeter than all pleasure, yet not to flesh and blood; brighter than all light, yet deeper within than any secret; loftier than all honour, but not to those who are lofty to themselves. Now my mind was free from the cares that had gnawed it, from aspiring and getting and weltering in filth and rubbing the scab of lust. And I talked with You as friends talk, my glory and my riches and my salvation, my Lord God.

Augustine Confessions: Book Nine, Chapter One: The Joy of Conversion.

Amid all the confusion and tangle

(J. R. Miller, "The Beauty of Self-control")

"Hold me up--and I shall be safe!" Psalm 119:117

Certain ancient mariners were accustomed to say, as they put out to sea, "Keep me, O God, for my boat is so small--and the ocean is so great and stormy!"

There could not be a fitter prayer for a Christian--as he sets out in life. The world is vast and full of perils, and a Christian, even the best, is very weak and frail. He has no ability to face the difficulties, the obstacles, the hardships he must face, if he is to pass successfully through life. The world is large, and full of storm and struggle--and only a few get through it safely.

If there were no one greater and stronger than ourselves, into whose keeping we may commit our lives, as we go out to meet the perils--what hope could we have of ever getting through safely?

The Christian cannot guide himself. He cannot master the storms. He cannot shelter himself. "Keep of me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge!" (Psalm 16:1) should be his prayer, not only once when he launches his barque--but daily, hourly.

Christ alone, is able to keep our lives. But does Jesus really care for our little individual lives? Yes! The very thing that Jesus does for us--is to be the keeper of our lives as we pass through the world with its storms and dangers.

Christ alone, is able to guide us. The world is a great mass of tangled paths. They run everywhere, crossing each other in all directions. Hands are forever beckoning us here and there--and we know not which beckoning to follow. Even friendship, loyal as it may be, sincere and sympathetic as it is--lacks wisdom and may guide us mistakenly.

But there is One only whose wisdom is infallible, whose advice never errs--and He is our Guide! There is a little prayer in Psalm 143 which pleads: "Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul." This prayer, if sincere, will always be answered.

We may see no hand leading us. We may hear no voice saying, as we walk in the darkness, "This is the way--walk in it." Yet if we seek divine guidance and accept it implicitly--we shall always have it.

Not only do we have keeping and guidance in Christ--but everything we need on the way--and then eternal blessedness! We may commit our lives into His hands with absolute confidence. He will take us with all our faults and our sins--and will keep us from hurt in all the perils of the way. He will lead us in the right path amid all the confusion and tangle--and then He will bring us to glory!

"To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore!" Jude 1:24-25

Too Busy?

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love. Lamentations 3:21-25,31

I was reminded of these verses this morning. How I am grateful for the great faithfulness of my God and abundant mercies that are new every morning. If I were to describe this week as crazy, that would be an understatement. But I'm aware that the craziness is only beginning.

This week at work has consisted of long hours training my replacement for my current job, completing the tasks that have been on the "back burner" for months and finishing the training manual on how to do the tasks I do on a daily / weekly / monthly basis. It is a critical week for Monika (my replacement) because beginning on Monday, I will be swamped with learning my new job and will not have much (if any) time available for her training.

My relationship with God has slipped. Or better stated, plumeted off a cliff. To my shame, I've found myself "too busy" to read about God, "too tired" to pray and "too overwhelmed" to approach the only One who can assist me.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:38-42

As I'm sitting here, distracted by all the preparations that need to be made, I have, like Martha, forgotten the main thing. Though its true that preparations need to be made, they cannot be my main focus. In my desire to end my current position with excellence, I cannot forget that my ultimate responsibility is not to my manager. My ultimate goal is not to properly train Monika. My ultimate task is to look to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith.

My coworker, Jay Tee, just walked by singing in his typical fashion. He either sings Christmas songs, or the good old-time-y gospel hymns. Today, He walked by my desk singing "all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer." (excerpt from "What a Friend we Have in Jesus"). Its exactly what I needed to hear.

I have a friend in Jesus.

He cares about my business.

He wants to reveal more of Himself to me through this time.

He gives abundant mercies to cover my loads of cares.

He is still my Refuge.

He is my Shield.

He bears my griefs.

He listenes to my prayers.

He strengthens in my weakness.

He patiently loves and simply reminds me to get back in line.

He reminds me what truly is necessary.

Dream

So, on Saturday night I had a dream like I've never had before. I awoke overwhelmed, encouraged and freshly aware of God's kind sovereignty. Here's how it went.

God has given me an unusual burden for my friends in Myanmar. I don't know why, other than to share in their burdens and approach the Throne of Grace asking for help in their time of need. They've been on my mind almost constantly since Cyclone Nargis hit 10 days ago.

So, in this dream, I was allowed to travel to Burma to provide needed relief aid to the disaster vicitims. Imagine Hurricaine Katrina hitting an area with wooden houses and sheds. Its no surprise the devastation is great. While there, I was meeting Burmese families who had lost children, wives who lost husbands, men who had no way to provide for the family members that remained.

I met with a Christian lady (still dreaming, remember) who had lost the pastor of her church, her husband and 2 of her three small children. She had no home to return to, no job to work in order to provide the basic necessities for her small boy and no available medical care. From a worldly perspective, this dear child of God had no hope.

As I handed her a cup of water, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me how grateful she was. I asked her why. "How can you be grateful? You've just lost everything."

With tears streaming down her dirty, weathered face, she looked at me and said (through a translator) that her husband, 2 children and her pastor were now in the presence of Jesus. How her tear-filled eyes rejoiced! She missed them. Her heart ached for the small comforts she had only 11 days ago (though I would have, in my western-worldview not seen even that as "comfort"). But she smiled. She had hope amidst a hopeless situation.

She rejoiced in her trial because her almighty Sovereign God had planned that cyclone to obliterate her town. He knew it was coming long before she did. He knew, before she was ever born that on May the 2nd, 2008, her world would change forever. But this God, who is all-powerful loved her. He, who controls the winds and waves, cared for her soul enough to open her eyes to the love of Jesus. She, my nameless friend from a dream, rejoiced because, though she was born Buddhist, was told of Jesus several years ago. And He became beautiful to her. He brought hope to her war-ravaged world.

I wanted to hug her, but the culture there is not as personal and open to feeling as mine is and I did not want to offend her. So instead, I told her that I had been praying for them. I then asked how I could pray specifically for her.

She wanted me to know that she was blessed - that she had already been given everything. She wanted me to pray for her friends that didn't have this same hope. She wanted me to pray that her faith in her sovereign, loving Jesus would grow through this "light and temporary affliction." She wanted me to share that blessing with others that I knew too.

Then I woke up.

When I got to church a few hours later (I had the dream Saturday night), we prayed during worship for the folks in Burma. God reminded me at that point, that we were corporately offering up a sweet smelling offering to our God that controls the waves. Through Jesus, our feeble prayers and humble songs were a beautiful sight and smell before the Throne of Grace.

The worship set was in many senses a disaster - the sound equipment didn't work at all; half the band couldn't play as a result. It was from a musical standpoint very amateur. But what a reminder - Jesus took those feeble attempts and perfected that worship. When it arrived before the Throne, the Almighty Commander of the Waves received the sweet gift of a beautiful symphony of praise. As we were more aware of our weakness, He became yet again greater to me.

Worship yesterday was powerful. It was as if the roof was lifted and I could see Jesus handing God the Father a beautiful package of us simultaneously acknowledging our neediness and His all-encompassing greatness.

I often forget that transaction that takes place at my church at 10 AM each Sunday morning.

One day, we'll all be standing together before that throne, singing in every language, rejoicing with praise alongside that pastor and husband and those 2 children that died 10 days ago in the cyclone.

I'll stand next to my friend from Burma whom I've never met, with hands held high, in complete thankfulness to the One who created each trial in our lives. I'll rejoice, as I see face to face, the One who not only planned, but also accompanied me through each trial.

Myanmar

22,000 presumed dead. 40,000+ still remain unaccounted for. 1 million + homeless. This is Myanmar (also known as Burma). They need water. They need relief. They need Jesus.

I pray for them. Myanmar is one of many countries in the world that is hostile to the Christian faith.

Though I do not personally know anyone from Myanmar, I am confident that I have brothers and sisters that live there.

And one day, I will sing, along with my Burmese brothers and sisters the words of Revelation 5:9

"You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation."

God promises to purchase men from every tribe, every language, every people, every nation.

Including Burma.

His blood reaches not only into South Carolina suburbia, but also to remote jungle villages. His power is greater than that of a cyclone. His heart is compassionate for the cries of the homeless and downcast in the country of Burma too.

I remember when Katrina hit New Orleans. I remember when the planes flew into the Twin Towers. I have seen the looks on these faces before. Looks of desperation. Looks of despair with no hope. Looks of urgency but no where to go.

I pray that through these disasters, God multiplies the ministry of the underground church in Burma. I pray that the faithful warriors of prayer will grow stronger through this trial. I pray that their faith in a powerful, all-loving, compassionate God would not diminish, but rather would experience supernatural growth.

I pray that the hope of Jesus would shine brighter than the pervasive false and hopeless religion of the Theravada Buddhists. I pray that God would open the eyes of the SPDC leaders and specifically Than Shwe to the living Gospel of Christ. I pray that He would trade in his temporary medals of honor for an eternal crown of glory.

I pray that my almighty Savior, who supernaturally gave my blind eyes sight, would do the same for these people - His beloved creation.

I look forward to meeting my friends one day - the fellow laborers for Jesus all the way on the other side of the world. Faces I'll never see until that day. Names I probably won't ever be able to pronounce. All, with one voice, proclaiming together with joy and amazement:

"Worthy is the Lamb that was slain."

grace for the weary

i'm listening to the Come Weary Saints cd right now while I'm sitting in my favorite spot in my room (on the floor leaning up against my recliner, laptop in my lap, water bottle next to me. Why I don't ever sit IN my recliner I'm not really sure).

I'm tired. Both physically and emotionally I'm worn out. It was a long week. There are a plethora of thoughts swarming in my mind.

I just got done having dinner with my family to celebrate my mom's birthday. I love them dearly, but our times together always leave me sad. There's a level of depth and communion that just isn't there like exists with my church family and friends and that affects everything. Its just not "home" when we're together.

I wish it weren't so. It hurts so deeply. I pray every day for resolution - I pray every day for sweet relationships and fellowship as fellow believers (albeit disagreeing in areas).

I know He can. I pray He does.

I struggle with seeing families in my church that have what I long for. My heart wants to accuse God. With tear filled eyes and an aching heart, I so desperately want to question why. And He says simply "come - I'll give your weary heart rest. Trust me. I'm sovereign and loving and good and have ordained each step of your life and each person in your life for my glory and your good."

That's a hard pill to swallow at times. I want my parents to talk to my grandparents again. I want my mom to talk to her brother. I want to be able to mention the name "dave" to my family without a wall going up. I want us all as Christians to experience sweet unity because of the cross. I don't understand why it doesn't happen. I don't understand how this can be God's will. I don't understand why He doesn't allow for restoration and healing. I don't know why family times are always accompanied by a big pink elephant. I want to know why.

And God simply says "Emily, I'm good. I haven't forgotten your prayers. I've seen every tear that has fallen. I know every hurt you've never spoken of. I've heard each cry. So, trus - trust in ME my child. I really do care."

I'm weary. I need grace. I need a reminder of my Shelter from the storms because the storms are pounding down on my heart right now. But I know that God is my answer, not restored relationships. He's greater than that. My confidence is not that one day I may have a family with no struggles, rather its that I serve a God who cares about these things.

I belong to a Father that never fails. I have a daddy who lavishes overabundant grace every day. Grace to endure trials. trials like family problems. Grace for surface relationships. Grace for a heart that wants more and doesn't know if it will ever happen. Grace from a God who is not surprised by this trial.

Grace for the weary.

Give Unto the Lord

Give unto the Lord who guides the earth,
your ways and your distress.
As He guides the clouds and air and wind
He’ll also guide your steps.

Come to Him now boldly with confident trust
He’s promised to faithfully lead.
Ask, trusting in prayer, for His gracious Hand
to guide you in your times of need.

In eternal mercy, O God of all,
You know what is right and what’s best.
Grant me grace to trust in Your Sovereign Hand
as You choose for me every test.

There’s never a time, Lord, in all that You do
You work in a way that’s not right
No trial can hinder your Almighty Hand
as I walk by faith and not sight.

So, even if all hell’s attempting to take
me viciously from your control –
You will not give way, Lord, you’re working Your plan
to Your ultimate glory and goal.

Look up, weary soul now from all your despair –
keep fighting, do not be dismayed;
For in His great mercy, He’ll comfort your heart
and will daily supply you fresh grace.

All sorrows will weaken their iron-clad grasp
as you learn of His governing pow’r
Let go of your troubles and sorrow no more
For He’s in control of each hour.

Let Him act how He deems is best for your life,
for He is your governing King.
When you view His wisdom throughout all your days
Your heart in amazement will sing.

At times in your life, He’ll delay consolation
so you’ll learn to rest wholly on Him;
but remember He disciplines those whom He loves
so take comfort, your future’s not dim.

As you faithfully serve Him, deliverance will come
for He’s promised to always be near
He will set you free from your burden and strife
and your heart he’ll set free from all fear.

What joy awaits you, O sweet faithful child
what glory awaits on that day
when with wonderful gladness, He hands you that crown –
pure joy will then sorrow outweigh.

We pray, faithful Lord that you’d lovingly bring
our trials and sorrows to an end
But until that day, Lord, hold fast – keep our faith
as we struggle and fight and contend.

Translated by Emily from “Befiehl du deine Wege”
written by Paul Gerhardt 1653
based on Martin Luther's writings of Psalm 37:5
featured in Opus BWV270 in B minor arranged by J.S. Bach
alternate English translation: Give to the Winds thy Fears by J. Wesley

happy (sad) anniversary

so, i just realized that today is the one year anniversary of the day i broke my leg.

wow. time flies... kinda.

Father, forgive them...

http://newattitude.org/articles/crucifixion_narrative

http://sermonaudio.wordpress.com/2007/04/06/a-crucifixion-narrative/


He looks up to his Father. His Father looks back, but Jesus doesn’t recognize these eyes. They pierce the invisible world with fire and darken the visible sky. And Jesus feels dirty. He hangs between earth and heaven filthy with human discharge on the outside and now filthy with human wickedness on the inside.

The Father speaks: “Son of Man! Why have you sinned against me and heaped scorn on my great glory? You are self-sufficient and self-righteous—consumed with yourself and puffed up and selfishly ambitious. You rob me of my glory and worship what’s inside of you instead of looking out to the one who created you. You are a greedy, lazy, gluttonous slanderer and gossip. You are a lying, conceited, ungrateful, cruel adulterer. ... You are lukewarm and easily enticed by the world. You covet and can’t have so you murder. You are filled with envy and rage and bitterness and unforgiveness. You blame others for your sin and are too proud to even call it sin. You are never slow to speak. And you have a razor tongue that lashes and cuts with its criticism and sinful judgment. Your words do not impart grace. Instead your mouth is a fountain of condemnation and guilt and obscene talk. ... You have no self-control. You are a betrayer who stirs up division and factions. You’re a drunkard and a thief. You’re an anxious coward. You do not trust me. You blaspheme against me. ...The list of your sins goes on and on. And I hate these things inside of you. I’m filled with disgust for you and indignation for your sin consumes me. Now, drink my cup!"

And Jesus does. He drinks for hours. He downs every drop of the scalding liquid of God’s own hatred of sin mingled with his white-hot wrath against that sin. This is the Father’s cup: omnipotent hatred and anger for the sins of every generation past, present, and future. Omnipotent wrath directed at one naked man hanging on a cross.

The Father can no longer look at his beloved Son, his heart’s treasure, the mirror-image of himself. And he diverts his gaze.

Jesus pushes himself upward and howls to heaven, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

Silence. Separation.

Jesus pushes himself up again and cries, “It is finished.” And it is. Every sin of every child of God had been laid on Jesus and he drank the cup of God’s wrath dry.

An Easy Hell

An Easy Hell (by Thomas Watson, from "The Art of Divine Contentment")

"I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know howto have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well-fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need." Philippians 4:11-12

Whatever affliction or trouble a child of God meets with—it is all the hell he shall ever have! Whatever eclipse may be upon his name or estate—it is but a little cloud which will soon be blown over—and then his hell is past!

Death begins a wicked man's hell.
Death ends a godly man's hell.

Think with yourself, "What is my affliction? It is but a temporary hell. Indeed, if all my hell is here on earth—it is but an easy hell. What is the cup of affliction—compared to the cup of damnation!"

Lazarus could not get a crumb; he was so diseased that the dogs took pity on him; and as if they had been his physicians, licked his sores. But this was an easy hell—the angels quickly fetched him out of it! If all our hell is in this life—and in the midst of this hell, we have the love of God—then it is no more hell, but paradise! If all our hell is here on earth, we may see to the end of it; it is but skin-deep, it cannot touch the soul. It is a short-lived hell. After a dreary night of affliction, comes the bright morning of glory!

Since our lives are short—our trials cannot be long! As our riches take wings and fly away—so do our sufferings! Let us learn then, to be content, whatever our circumstances.

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this article was very helpful to me this morning when I read it. the last few weeks in my life really have been hell - whether its being pushed beyond my limits physically or out of my comfort zone by placing me in someone else's house with someone else's responsiblitiy or the unrest and uncertainty at work right now that seems never ending...

this has really been by far the hardest time of my Christian life so far. its been extreme and severe and roller-coastery and so on. and when it seems to be calming down, it picks right back up again. minute by minute, it has been a choice to either give in to my emotions and fears or to choose to resist that temptation from Satan and instead place my hope in Christ.

i'm fighting to place my hope in God. the command to place our hope in God tells me that it doesn't go there by default. I have to work to put my full reliance on my Savior as the answer to my problems and discouragement. that's a struggle. its a war and i can tell physical effects on my body and mind. but I am grateful for the reminder that this will have an end. this is hard. but there is a hope that this life is the worst I'll experience because I'm in union with Christ.

that union means I'm secure now amidst the unrest (even when I don't feel it) and that I have hope for the future (even when I don't see it). I won't "fall off the roller coaster" because I'm securely strapped in the arms of my powerful Physician Jesus who lovingly protects me from all harm. I won't "drown in the waves" because I'm held by a loving Father who won't let me sink under the overwhelming, powerful waves that keep assaulting my every breath. I won't fail in this trial because my confidence lies in the fact that I have a Guarantor of my faith.

My Jesus and the Holy Spirit will continue to sustain me throughout these (and future) trials and I have the promise that He will complete what He's started in me and that He will sustain me through the end. I'm weak. I'm dependent. But He's powerful and strong. So, even through this temporary "hell" I have the hope and confidence that I can choose to rejoice in the God of my salvation as the Rock that supports me through all trials.

Update on head... and heart...

This was an e-mail I just sent to some of my friends... Thought I'd post it here so I can one day go back and read all these thoughts together in one place.
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Hi friends...
Wanted to send you all an update (so you'll know how to pray, and so I'll learn how to better keep my friends involved in what's going on in my life.)

My head is about the same. The nausea has been constant. The auras have been fewer (about one a day on average). The migraine pain has been constant but I have had a few hours of slight relief (pain level goes down a few points but never truly goes away). These times tend to be only after I have slept for a few hours and they tend to last no more than an hour or so.

But praise God, I had a brief time on Sunday night and Monday night where I was able to function more than I have been able up to this point.. But I've also found that after those times, I find the next day tends to be worse. During the day the pain has been about the same though (ranging from an 8 to a 10). The numbness creates awkwardness when I type. And cold hands. That makes the rest of me cold. But I can bundle up in sweaters (which I have been doing) so that's not that big of a deal.

The chiropractor wants a second MRI - this time of my neck and upper back - to make sure there's nothing there that could be causing the numbness and migraines since the brain MRI came back normal. I should hopefully find out today when I go see him when the MRI is scheduled for. I'm praying its soon. I'm trying not to take the pain medicine simply because I don't want to become dependent on narcotic pain killers. And since they don't fully take the pain away and I'm not technically supposed to work or drive when I'm taking them, I'm avoiding it as much as possible. I'm still taking a few a day to simply manage but not as much as is prescribed.

Please pray because effective next Monday, I will be taking on a new position at work (and I may have to work some this weekend to prepare). This position will be about 30% what I'm currently doing and 70% new things to learn. We have a workshop the first 3 days of next week that I have to be at, so I had no other choice but to postpone the neurologist's appointment to the 27th. Please pray that I will be able to focus during the workshop, since a good portion of it will be in German. Right now, as I think about that, I simply want to cry. But I'm excited about this new job and what it will mean for me here, but its also overwhelming.

I know that God's timing is perfect (I've been hoping for this job for a few months now) and that His grace that has sustained me far beyond my own ability, will continue to sustain as I embark on yet another unknown and scary bend in the road. He's been constant and good.

I am choosing to plant my feet on that Rock of consistency instead of my feelings of overwhelming horror, fear and discouragement. But I am genuinely concerned about being able to comprehend and understand all the new tasks I'll be doing. Since it is brand new position that no one is currently doing, there will be very little training except from the manager (who is busy with a million other things too). So, a lot of the new job will be jumping in with both feet and seeking to learn as much as I can during the workshop.

Another big request is this. I am house sitting for a coworker who is in Germany until the 24th. I've been there since last Thursday. She has a dog and a cat. It appears that I am allergic to the cat. I am taking allergy medicine to help compensate but please pray that I would not have a severe reaction to the sweet darling means of sanctification in my life (have I mentioned that I really hate cats?? Sorry Christa - don't take it personally) =(. So far, its been only sinus pressure, runny nose, itchy eyes and shortness of breath. But that combined with a migraine, is a lot to bear. And I don't know if I can mix the allergy medicine with the pain and nausea medicine. Please pray that the allergies would not bother me (or rather, that they would stop bothering me)

If I could wake up tomorrow pain free, that would be so great! =) That is my prayer but not my hope. My hope is that God is holding me as I'm spinning 100 mph on this roller coaster we call life. My hope is that through this, God will teach me trust in Him (as a loving, faithful, intimate Provider) and not my circumstances.

My prayer is that when the next trial comes - one that truly changes my life, that I could confidently say "you give and take away but my heart will choose to say blessed be your name." My prayer is that I will rejoice in my weakness because it's a time for me to gloriously see God's greatness and power on display. My hope is that though I can't do this and though I know I can't fully trust God wholly, that He is sustaining and keeping me, in spite of my weakness and inability to trust.

So, thanks. Thanks for your friendship. Thanks for your encouragement to this little stone. Thanks for patiently enduring with me. Thanks for loving me. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Lord willing, I'll see you all on Friday.
Em

Waiting... in hope

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness...

not a hope in a pain free day... a hope as a result of my salvation as a work of Christ alone on the cross.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name...

I can't trust my own ability. I can't trust my health. But I can trust His promises. They never ever change though my feelings do.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand all other ground is sinking sand.

My hope is not dependent on my trust. Or my circumstances. It is wholly reliant on the Rock that is under me. The support that I'm so often unaware of. Everything else, everything other than the Unchanging Eternal All-Powerful God, the Creator of the Universe and Lover of my soul, everything else is temporary. It may be pretty like a sand castle on the beach but when the waves come, that beauty and "fortress" of sand is washed away. My trust is in a Rock that is greater than any storm. A Fortress that is "mighty to save."

Rejoicing when the answer is "No" (update on my head (and heart))

I'm sitting here in tears. The tears are a mixture of overwhelmedness (is that a word?) and fear (lack of trusting God) and joy and simply because tears seem to be the appropriate response right now. Here's what that means to me...

I had an MRI done this morning of my brain. Let me start by saying, God was immensely gracious. I was for lack of a better explanation "freaking out" this morning thinking about being stuck motionless in a little tube for 30 minutes. And then when I got there, I found out we didn't acutally have enough time for me to have any medicine to help sedate me and calm me down. My first thought was "crap... I can't do this." Then my mind flashed back to Sunday 2 weeks ago when Katie posted a note on my music stand right before the worship set began. The note was "His strength is made perfect in weakness." How timely that note was. For many reasons unknown at that time... Over the last 2 weeks, that one note, handwritten on scratch paper has been used countless times to encourage me and ever-increasingly build my faith. How grateful I am to have had that one bit of Scripture to apply to my life right now. So, back to the story...

I'm freaking out (emotional response) while being reminded of the truth (non-emotional, non-changing truth). What that verse said to me sitting in that chair as a needle was being placed in my arm and I could literally feel my heart start beating faster was this "Emily - you're right. You will freak out. But I'm here. And I'm not freaking out. I can handle this. And since I'm here, that means you can handle this. Calm down and trust. I'm good and it will be okay." Wanna know what applying Scripture looks like? Wasn't thinking through this at the time, but that's what it looks like. That's how it worked today for me.

So, they tell me when its time to go in, and i lay down on this little table that eventually is moved into the MRI tube. I quickly shut my eyes, in disbelief and literal horror that they are really about to stick me in this noisy cold contraption. The technician tells me it will take approximately 17 minutes for the first part and then they will pull me out, and inject a "contrast liquid" into the needle and tube precariously poking out of my arm and then put me back in and we will start the process over again. By God's grace, the first thing that came to my mind was "17 minutes is how long Jim said it takes for an average reader to read through the entire book of 1st Peter." That prompted my soul to begin quoting the book to myself (at least the portion of the book that i currently have memorized). So, I start with "Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ..." I think it was not long after that that I started crying on the table. Not crying because of the extremely loud noises that were encompassing my already-pounding and aching head. But crying in gratefulness. Grateful that my sweet Jesus wasn't leaving me alone in my fear, in this little encompassing tube of noise and terror, but that He was present there with me. He was holding my cold hand that I was trying desperately to keep from shaking. He was comforting me through His living, breathing words. How grateful I am that I've been working to memorize the book. And how kind of God to allow certain passages to come back to my mind today in this time of my need.

Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ... (I've been called too. I'm as rebellious and cold-hearted as Peter was. Isn't God amazing... that He would choose me...)
... to the elect exiles ... (I might be an exile... i might be in this foreign place ... but I'm elect ... I'm chosen... I'm not alone... I'm HIS!... this is cool and I don't quite get it)
... by the foreknowledge of God the Father... (this isn't a surprise to God... He knew on the day He created the world (even beforehand) that this day would take place in my life. He planned for me to be suffering right now with unexplained migraines and pushed beyond my limit of control and ability. But He's my Father. He's not pushing me to harm me in any way. He's pushing me to increase my confidence in Him)
... through the sanctification of the Spirit... (this power... this SAME POWER that raised my sweet Jesus from the dead... that SAME POWER is right here... RIGHT NOW! with me... in my little wilderness of confusion and uncertainty. He's sanctifying me right here, right now in my weakness...)
... by the obedience of Jesus Christ and through the sprinkling of His blood... (Jesus obeyed. I'm commanded to be like Him. Its possible even in my weakness and lack of trust to choose to obey right now. Right now obedience looks like staying calm, keeping my eyes shut so I don't freak out and trusting Him to empower me to do that because all I want to do is cry and scream like a little baby... but because He obeyed... because of His blood, I've been given that same ability. I can obey. I can make it through this. I don't have to be held captive by my fear. Romans 6 says I'm not a slave anymore. I can choose otherwise - there's another option than the passions of my former ignorance - passions of fear and unbelief.)
... may grace and peace be multiplied to you. (multiplication takes my little puny effort and increases it exponentially. it takes my little pea of effort and creates a smorgasbord of ability. His grace empowers. His peace comforts.)
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to His great mercy He has caused us to be born again to a living hope... (this living hope is not dependent on the results of this MRI. This hope is ouside of Emily's little realm. It's greater. I can bless God no matter what because of this hope. I can rejoice no matter what because this is true.)
... to an inheritance that is imperishable... (I'm free. I'm rich. I've been given everything. i don't understand that. this is overwhelming)
... kept in heaven for you... (wonder how soon I'm gonna see that? it could be soon depending on what the drs say about the test results... that would be really amazing... i'm okay with that...)
... in this you rejoice though now for a little while you have been grieved by various trials... (God in His mercy doesn't give us each the same trial. He gives us the trial or blessing we need at that time. I can rejoice even in trials because I know a really really personal God that even chooses trials and pain based on what is best for me. He not only gives us hope in our future inheritance, He also empowers us to endure what He's calling us to now.)
... so that the tested genuineness of your faith may be found... (this trial is proving to me and to others the all-sufficiency of my Christ in my life. I'm learning by this trial... by the noises of this MRI machine that I'm in right now in the midst of a horrible body-wrenching migraine... that He is good. That my faith is real. I'm seeing right now how my faith is genuine. What a cool glimpse. This faith, this gospel, this belief really DOES stand firm in the midst of the fire. It REALLY WORKS! How cool to get to experience that power.)
...therefore preparing your minds for action ... (well, I'm already mid-battle... but I can still be prepared. This is war. This is a war to trust God vs what I feel. I feel overwhelmed. God says "I am sufficient." I feel discouraged. God says "I'm your hope")
... so that your faith and your hope are in God. (that's the goal. that's the main thing. that's what I'm commanded to keep central. A hope in God - a loving Father and Friend and Comfortor, not a hope in a good result only - though I am praying for a good result)

At this point, the technician pulled me out of the machine and inserted the "contrast liquid" into that ever-so-precarious needle sticking from my vein in my arm. I think that's when the real trial began. As he pushed me back into the tube, I began to get very very nautious. I honestly thought I was going to have to ask him to pull me out so I could throw up. It was bad. I kept swallowing, nervously thinking I was shaking too much and that would only prolong the entire process. "grace made perfect in need... strength in weakness... rich in my poverty... His righteousness imparted to me... His power at work right here right now to sustain... the same power that raised Christ from the dead is working in me right now to do what He's called me to do right here right now" These were cross-centered MRI thoughts that only came as a result of God's grace supernaturally at work in my tension-wracked anxious heart. All praise be to God that He empowered me to somehow swallow and choke back the nausea without having to stop the test.

What a kind "Daddy" I have. I'm grateful. I love Him more as a result than I did this morning. Though I'm discouraged with the test results, I can truly say I'm grateful. He has spared me from a tumor or cancer or other life-threatening situation. He has given me another "square one." Though I'm fearful to start over with no apparent reasons for what's been going on in my body, He won't stop sustaining now. He is good. Though I was praying for a cut and dry answer of "oh, now we understand... this is what is causing the pain... let's go in and fix it and then you'll be okay with no more struggles or pain or anything," He knows that's not what's best. He knows what is wrong in my body and He will sustain me until either the day it is resolved or until the day I die. Either way... either path... either result, He is there. And He will provide just enough light for me to take one more step in faith... and then one more again... and then...

The next step looks like... make it through this weekend... try to research and find out what else could be causing this... "TRUST IN ME"... beg my Physician for a cure... trust in Him even if no cure comes... quit comparing myself to other people's trials and rejoice in the all-sustaining Grace He's providing for me right now where I am in my current weakness. Love and whole-heartedly embrace this current weakness because it points me to Him. Be confused and discouraged as necessary but let that only point me to the throne of Grace where I have been promised (and consistently already shown) help in my time of need.

I can honestly say that I'm okay with "no." I was praying for "yes." I'm discouraged with "no" but I know my God wouldn't have given that answer unless it was the best answer possible from an all-loving, all-knowing Father who pities His children and rejoices in giving good gifts. So, with that in mind, I can be confident that "no" is a good gift. that "yes" would not have been. And that He will continue to support and impart grace as we encounter who knows how many more "yes's" and "no's."

I know that no matter what God is at the bottom of it all. My God is sovereign. That is a comfort. I'm weak and that's what's best. He will, like a flower garden in the spring, continue to unveil more depth to His beauty and greatness as I delve deeper into that garden of His great unsearchable character. He is not limited by a "no" on an MRI. He could heal me today. He could choose never to heal me. But I am confident in this... He will be with me, carrying me each step of the uncertain way. And nothing that I feel, and no tears of unbelief and fear that I cry will change that. He is constant. He is sustaining. That alone is my hope. That is my only source of confidence and my only reason for joy. But that's so much more than enough.

update

Hi all,

I wanted to give you a quick update on how I've been doing. The migraine pain has changed from numerous episodes throughout the day to pretty much a constant pain. I have been experiencing nausea, auras and numbness (in my shoulders and arms) pretty much every day this week. None of the medicine up to this point or the chiropractic adjustments have been working (I've gone 3x to the dr and 4x to the chiropractor).

Both the Dr and the Chiropractor have requested that I have an MRI done of my brain ASAP to make sure it is nothing like a cyst or tumor or worse. The MRI is scheduled for tomorrow at 11:30 down by Greenville Memorial.

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. You guys are awesome! =) I think my biggest fear right now is that they do the MRI and it comes back normal - then we're back to square one. So, even though it sounds crazy to say "I hope they find something"… um… I kinda hope they find something.

I'm doing better today than I was yesterday with discouragement and trusting God's sovereignty. Yesterday was by far the hardest day so far. But thankfully God (and many of you) have been reminding me to look up. Thanks for that. I’m so grateful for each of you.

I’m hoping to be at care group tomorrow night and hoping by then to have some kind of update on what's going on.
Thanks!
Emily

words of advice from CJ, DA and DP

exerpts from CJ's blog (including quotes from DA Carson and David Powlison)

Philippians 4:4—“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice” (ESV).

I find this verse easy to ignore in the midst of adversity. But I must not ignore this verse or assume that this passage doesn’t apply to me. It does. God has given this verse to us for the good of our soul and, ultimately, for his glory.

This approach of focusing on one specific passage in counseling settings is one I learned from my friend David Powlison, articulated in his article “Think Globally, Act Locally.” He writes,

In a nutshell, connect one bit of Scripture to one bit of life. In other words, always ask two questions for yourself and others: What is your current struggle? What about God in Christ connects to this? … Apply one relevant thing from our Redeemer to one significant scene in this person’s story. Bring one bit of Bible to one bit of life. You can’t say it all at once. (The Journal of Biblical Counseling, Fall 2003, p. 3)

D.A. Carson’s comments on the verse from his book Basics for Believers: An Exposition of Philippians (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 1996):

The ultimate ground of our rejoicing can never be our circumstances, even though we as Christians recognize that our circumstances are providentially arranged. If our joy derives primarily from our circumstances, then when our circumstances change, we will be miserable. Our delight must be in the Lord himself. That is what enables us to live with joy above our circumstances. As Nehemiah puts it, “The joy of the Lord is your strength” (Neh. 8:10). Perhaps that is one of the reasons why the Lord sometimes allows miserable circumstances to lash us—that we may learn this lesson.…Whatever the mysteries of evil and sorrow, they do have the salutary effect of helping believers to shift the ground of their joy from created things to the Creator, from the temporary to the eternal, from jingoism to Jesus, from consumption to God. (p. 106)

How about you? Are you personally experiencing a season of adversity with no end in sight? If so, rather than peering into the future trying to predict the concluding date of the trial, I recommend you look down and then up.

Look down and realize a transition is under way to shift the ground of your joy “from created things to the Creator.” Then look up and delight in the Lord himself. Contemplate his changeless character and the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross. Then—dependent upon God’s grace—obey this command given for our good and his glory. Rejoice as you realize afresh you are doing much better than you deserve.

This will not alter the severity of your trial, but it will transform your perspective and strengthen your soul for the trial.