I love the Olympics. I love Asia. What a great combination. But my heart breaks for my Christian brothers and sisters in China. It breaks for the suffering they endure in the name of Jesus.
As I learn more about my persecuted friends in various places throughout Asia, my heart echos the cry of Revelation 6:9-11 "how long Sovereign Lord." For now, the answer remains "a little while longer." (see 1st Peter for a great perpective on suffering).
So, over the next few weeks, as I watch China at its greatest, I will be praying for the view we don't see on TV... for the people who aren't free to attend the events... for the stories of great heros that remain unspoken.
Today was a hard day. You never want to attend a baby's funeral. The flowers on top of the small casket were larger than the casket itself. My friends are grieving deeply. My heart hurts for them.
But what I left the day with was one word... hope. The funeral service was done by my pastor, Jim Britt. Dave and Melissa picked out two songs to sing - one before and one after. The first song was "Blessed be Your Name" and the second was "It is Well." Never were those words harder to sing. It was heartbreaking to see tears roll down countless faces while we tried to sing the words "you give and take away... my heart will chose to say blessed be your name."
But as Jim so tenderly reminded us, our hope is not in the gifts given, rather in the Giver of gifts. He reminded us of the hope that God brings. It has been faith building for me to watch my friends walk through this trial. Their hope is confidently in a loving Father who cares for them. Their sorrow is met with an even-greater Comfortor. God's grace is so overwhelmingly evident in their lives right now.
I'm glad that God is caring and loving when all you can do is cry. I'm glad His ears are open to the cries of His children.
Dave and Melissa Cooper lost their baby last night. Little unborn, baby Jonas Cooper will never grow up to play with his big sister. This fall will not bring a season of new baby clothes and diapers.
I remember Melissa's excitement when she found out she was pregnant. I remember her joy when she learned they were having a boy. Now, I'm hearing of their agony and pain. I'm about to watch my friends embark on some of the deepest suffering they've ever faced.
How kind of God to prepare us. How grateful I am for the warning in 1st Peter: suffering is coming...put your trust in God. Look to Christ as your hope and motivation. Rest there.
So, with tears, I am choosing to rest in God's soveriegnty. With a heavy heart, I resolve to bless, not charge God. And by God's grace, I will join so many from years past who can say, trysting in our faithful God "you give and take away... but blessed be Your Name."
God, help. Help us to remember that even when we can't cry in faith, that You are holding us secure... that nothing is outside of your control - even things that are outside of our understanding.
"...this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."
Christians are never urged to seek suffering; they are, however, encouraged to recognize that suffering is an extraordinary teacher. ... Great natural disasters, such as hurricanes or tidal waves, strike our world. Where there is warning, a few brave souls usually choose to remain in their homes. The vast majority of the inhabitants flee the coming devastation. After the storm abates, those who are able to do so return home. And at times there is a pattern that emerges between the lines of the news reports that are written for the world to read. Often there is a striking contrast between those who stay and those who leave. The hearts of the survivors are often full of gratitude that they are still alive. The returnees at times see only devastation and feel only anguish. The one who is lashed by the storm is often the one who is grateful.
22,000 presumed dead. 40,000+ still remain unaccounted for. 1 million + homeless. This is Myanmar (also known as Burma). They need water. They need relief. They need Jesus.
Though I do not personally know anyone from Myanmar, I am confident that I have brothers and sisters that live there.
And one day, I will sing, along with my Burmese brothers and sisters the words of Revelation 5:9
"You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation."
God promises to purchase men from every tribe, every language, every people, every nation.
Including Burma.
His blood reaches not only into South Carolina suburbia, but also to remote jungle villages. His power is greater than that of a cyclone. His heart is compassionate for the cries of the homeless and downcast in the country of Burma too.
I remember when Katrina hit New Orleans. I remember when the planes flew into the Twin Towers. I have seen the looks on these faces before. Looks of desperation. Looks of despair with no hope. Looks of urgency but no where to go.
I pray that through these disasters, God multiplies the ministry of the underground church in Burma. I pray that the faithful warriors of prayer will grow stronger through this trial. I pray that their faith in a powerful, all-loving, compassionate God would not diminish, but rather would experience supernatural growth.
I pray that the hope of Jesus would shine brighter than the pervasive false and hopeless religion of the Theravada Buddhists. I pray that God would open the eyes of the SPDC leaders and specifically Than Shwe to the living Gospel of Christ. I pray that He would trade in his temporary medals of honor for an eternal crown of glory.
I pray that my almighty Savior, who supernaturally gave my blind eyes sight, would do the same for these people - His beloved creation.
I look forward to meeting my friends one day - the fellow laborers for Jesus all the way on the other side of the world. Faces I'll never see until that day. Names I probably won't ever be able to pronounce. All, with one voice, proclaiming together with joy and amazement:
I was reading back through my previous posts today to remind myself of God's unending faithfulness as displayed through my past 2 years.
As I was reading, my mind began thinking specifically about water. Water in the OT was referred to as judgment. God led the children of Israel through the waters of judgment and surrounded and drowned the Egyptian army with the same waters. (Genesis 7:7, Exodus 14:28, Psalm 18:16, Psalm 69:2,Romans 6)
I was thinking about water because on May 18th, my church is having a baptism. I will be among those baptized that day. Though I grew up hearing about God, going to a Christian school and having Christian friends, I did not come to a believing faith in Christ until about 2 1/2 years ago. That is a long story, for another post, but I am grateful for God's work in drawing my calloused and legalistic heart to Him. I'm grateful to have an intimate friendship with the all-powerful God who leads and guides me lovingly. I'm thankful for His substitutionary life that gives me power to live each day for Him.
So, as I was thinking through the waters of baptism - the waters of judgment that Christ took for me, I came across a post I wrote back in January: "Through the deep waters." When I wrote that, I didn't know that I would soon begin having migraines. I didn't know the specific trials that were (and still are) coming, but I'm grateful for that reminder.
No matter the trial, no matter the discouragement, my greatest need was met when God passed through the waters of judgment in my place. I'm excited to be baptized on May 18th to rejoice over that truth in my life. I'm grateful He went through the deep waters so that I wouldn't have to pass through any judgment waters. And I'm grateful that He accompanies and holds me in the waters of pain and sacrifice He's called me to.
How do you define a good CD? Is it something that makes you feel good? Is it something that evokes a certain emotion or reaction? Is it something that is pleasing to your ears? What makes it "good"?
I would like to propose that "Come Weary Saints" the newest album by Sovereign Grace Music is a good CD. Good, not because it makes me feel good, but good because of what it is about. I posted earlier this morning about one of the songs. Since then, the CD been on "repeat" in iTunes and has been playing over and over again. Over the next few days, I plan to post in more detail about each of the songs.
One thing I've noticed is that this CD is about hope. But its not about a hope based in the absence of trials, its about finding our hope in Christ - choosing to trust a Hope right in the midst of trials. This hope and peace does not means what the world typically thinks of as hope and peace. Its not a "feel good" thing at all.
Our hope is found in the love of Jesus. My freedom is found in Him, not in the abscence of trials or struggles. The third song on the album "As Long As You Are Glorified" talks about this hope.
It is a song I desperately need to hear over and over again, and a song that my selfish and prideful heart wants to skip. My heart willingly thanks God in times of blessings and days of sunshine and then grumbles when it rains. It is hard to sing wholeheartedly "let your will be done in me - I long for nothing else but that You are glorified." Those words hurt. Those words don't easily roll off my tongue.
They need to be learned. They need to be rehersed. They need practice, for I tend to neglect those words. I forget that my God is sovereign (“Sovereignty is the exclusive right (legal or moral entitlement) to have complete control over an area of governance, people, or oneself. A sovereign is the supreme lawmaking authority, subject to no other.” (definition taken from Wikipedia)).I forget that God is loving. My heart looks away from that Hope. I forget Psalm 23 - that God accompanies in the valleys (2. Cor 12:9, Mk 14:35-36, Lam 3:21-24, Hab 3:17-19) but that He also leads through the valleys (Job 42:12-17, Genesis 45).
I want to learn this lesson. I don't want someone to write about me one day what was written about the children of Israel in Psalm 81.
------------------------------------------- Shall I take from your hand your blessings Yet not welcome any pain? Shall I thank you for days of sunshine Yet grumble in days of rain? Shall I love you in times of plenty Then leave you in days of drought? Shall I trust when I reap the harvest But when winter winds blow then doubt?
Oh let your will be done in me In your love I will abide. Oh I long for nothing else as long As you are glorified.
Are you good only when I prosper, And true only when I’m filled? Are you King only when I’m carefree, And God only when I’m well? You are Good when I’m poor and needy You are True when I’m parched and dry. You still reign in the deepest valley You’re still God in the darkest night.
Oh let your will be done in me In your love I will abide. Oh I long for nothing else as long As you are glorified.
So quiet my restless heart Quiet my restless heart Quiet my restless heart In You
Oh let your will be done in me In your love I will abide. Oh I long for nothing else as long As you are glorified.
Written by Mark Altrogge -------------------------------------------
Father, give me more grace to trust in You. Let your love compel me to say "no matter what - your will be done." God, your glory is amazing, and I only glimpse the fringes. May my life highlight your glory. May you be satisfied with my sacrifice - not a sacrifice of words, but a sacrifice of praise from a heart that is full of You.
This post is about a book. A book that I love and that leaves me in a puddle of tears whenever I read it. I've read it countless times and love it more each time. This was the first Ted Dekker book I'd ever read and it opened up to me a world of his powerfully descriptive and compelling writings. If you haven't read it, I'd encourage you to do so.
The author portrays a suffering in this book in light of heaven and the eternal hope that a Christian has. It describes a town of faithful women who are willing to endure persecution for the joy set before them. (*note - this book can be rather descriptive and harsh at times*)
Todd Agnew and Ted Dekker worked together to create a song that is woven throughout the book. The link is below and it has, over the past few years, become an all-time favorite. I love the care portrayed by our Father through the words. I love the reminder that every tear I cry falls into the palm of His hand... that every lonely hour was spent with Him by my side... that every moment here is pointing to a reality to come.
I think its time I read it again. I never want to forget my hope came that day on a cross. I never want to forget I'm not home right now. I never want my current cross to appear greater than the glory to come.
... to finally here those words "my child, you are finally home." I long for that day. When I can see my Daddy face to face. When I can hold the hand that wiped my countless tears. When at last, I'll be home.
Sing O son of Zion Shout O child of mine Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind For you are finally home
I’ve been waiting to dance with you In fields full of colors you’ve never seen I’ve been waiting to show you beauty You never dreamed that’s always been in you I’ve been waiting to see you tremble as you’re embraced By a world saturated with my love I’ve been waiting for the day when at last I get to say My child you are finally home
Sing O son of Zion Shout O child of mine Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind For you are finally home
I’ve been waiting to watch you realize What all your longing was for I’ve been waiting to show you the thread of grace That ran through all your pain I’ve been waiting to let you drink the water of which Your greatest joy on earth was just a taste I’ve been waiting for the day when at last I get to say My child you are finally home
Sing O son of Zion Shout O child of mine Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind Sing O daughter of Zion Cry out O child of mine Dance with all the strength that you can find For you are finally home
Every tear you cried dried in the palm of my hand Every lonely hour was by my side Every loved one lost, every river crossed Every moment, every hour was pointing to this day Longing for this day…
Life brings waves. Another day lived brings more waves. That is what I have to look forward to. Every day there will be new trials. Every day there will be new struggles and pain and sorrow. Every day on this earth will be hard in its own, new, unique way.
But that thought doesn't depress me. It doesn't make me want to give up and cry. It simply makes me long for heaven more. A day when I will wake up, look my Savior in the face and be in His presence completely. Not a presence of wrath and judgment - a presence of love and mercy. What a day! What a sight for my weary, worn eyes that will be.
It makes me think of the old song I grew up on:"what a day that will be when my Jesus I shall see. When I look upon His face, the One who saved me by His grace. When He takes me by the hand, leads me through the Promised Land... what a day, glorious day that will be."
But for now, there are trials. For now, there are "light" and "momentary" afflictions. But my confidence isn't in having a "suck it up and endure" attitude. My confidence is that my Savior has not only rescued me from an eternity of damnation; He has given me hope for this life and strength for these weary days too. That hope is found in His ever-present grace. Grace upon grace is flooding over me as the waves upon waves seem to overwhelm me.
As I'm more aware of my weakness... as He takes and takes away, I am beginning to see that what He gives is so much more meaningful. He may take my ability to teach German. He may take my ability to sing. He may weaken (and hopefully one day kill) my pride in my accomplishments, but He is giving GRACE. That is sweet. It is precious and I'm grateful for it. He is taking me and giving Himself. Why would I ask for that to be taken away?
The migraines aren't every day. But they are still almost daily. Overall, the pain is either decreasing due to the new treatment or I'm just learning to manage it better. I think its both. I know I've had more energy in the past week. But I hesitate to ask for healing. I know my tendency. I boast in my accomplishments. I take pride in my strenghts and look to my abilities as the answer. But how I long for the day when my boasting is in Christ alone... when my hope is in Christ alone... when my strength is mediated through Him alone... when my gifts truly bring Him glory alone. I want that.
There is a sweet peace found in His strength that I don't experience on a daily basis. But I have experienced it. And I want more of it. I want more grace. I want more of His power. I want to lean on Him (realizing that means I'm stripped of more of me). I want a faith that is unshakeable, an anchor that is firm through the fiercest drought and storms, a hope that is built on a firm foundation. Its sweet.
Though it hurts, its refreshing. Though it comes through pain, there is comfort. And the comfort makes the pain pale in comparison.
So, I went to the dr today and apparently migranes are not my problem. I apparently have some kind of infection or parasite in my brain. I've lovingly named him Mike and I want him to die.
I'm on meds now and go back in 6 weeks. I'm hoping and praying this helps. We'll see...
God has been very kind through this. I want that intimate closeness to continue whether the migraines do or not. That would be my prayer. I don't want that sweetness to end with the migraines. And if the migraines don't end, I don't want the sweetness to either. God is good. He is kind and has been patient with my weakness throughout this.
I'm grateful for that. I'm glad for His grace at work. I'm desperately needy for more of it. And thankfully, I have the promise that it will never run dry. That's cool.
(Winslow, "Daily Need Divinely Supplied") "He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young." Isaiah 40:11
Jesus leads those who are burdened, and need a skillful, sure, and gentle shepherd. Our journey to heaven is across a waste, howling wilderness, through an enemy's country, all armed and combined to resist, dispute, and oppose our every step.
It is a road, also, all untraveled and unknown. Over the entrance of every new path is written,"You have not passed this way before." A new bend in our life transpires, a new path in our pilgrimage is presented, involving new duties and responsibilities, new cares and trials. Andwith fear and trembling we gird ourselves for the new cloud veiled pilgrimage which God in His goodness has appointed us.
But why these doubts, these tremblings, these fears? Jesus is our Leader! He knows all the way we take, has mapped every road, and has appointed every path. As a Teacher, He leads us into all truth; as a Captain, He leads us from victory to victory; as a Shepherd, He leads us into green pastures; as a Guide, He leads us along our difficult path, skillfully, gently, and safely.
And HOW does Jesus lead us? He leads us graciously.He leads us along all the stages, and through all the exercises of our Christian experience, leaving us not when our frames are low, and our faith is assailed, and darkness, often thick darkness, covers our soul. Who could skillfully, patiently, and faithfully lead us along all the mazes, intricacies, and perils of our Christian course safely to glory, but Christ our Leader?
Commit yourself, O my soul, confidently to the Lord's leading. The way may appear all wrong to you, but it is the right way. Mystery may enshroud it, trials may pave it, sorrows may darken it, tears may bedew it, nevertheless He is leading you by the right way home.
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them, and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16
"Lord, I am a poor, blind child, not knowing my way; and when I do see it, I am often so burdened that I cannot walk. Take me by the hand, and gently, skillfully lead me until traveling days are over, and I am at home with You forever. You have promised gently to lead the burdened and feeble who cannot keep up with the flock. Lord, lead ME!"
He looks up to his Father. His Father looks back, but Jesus doesn’t recognize these eyes. They pierce the invisible world with fire and darken the visible sky. And Jesus feels dirty. He hangs between earth and heaven filthy with human discharge on the outside and now filthy with human wickedness on the inside.
The Father speaks: “Son of Man! Why have you sinned against me and heaped scorn on my great glory? You are self-sufficient and self-righteous—consumed with yourself and puffed up and selfishly ambitious. You rob me of my glory and worship what’s inside of you instead of looking out to the one who created you. You are a greedy, lazy, gluttonous slanderer and gossip. You are a lying, conceited, ungrateful, cruel adulterer. ... You are lukewarm and easily enticed by the world. You covet and can’t have so you murder. You are filled with envy and rage and bitterness and unforgiveness. You blame others for your sin and are too proud to even call it sin. You are never slow to speak. And you have a razor tongue that lashes and cuts with its criticism and sinful judgment. Your words do not impart grace. Instead your mouth is a fountain of condemnation and guilt and obscene talk. ... You have no self-control. You are a betrayer who stirs up division and factions. You’re a drunkard and a thief. You’re an anxious coward. You do not trust me. You blaspheme against me. ...The list of your sins goes on and on. And I hate these things inside of you. I’m filled with disgust for you and indignation for your sin consumes me. Now, drink my cup!"
And Jesus does. He drinks for hours. He downs every drop of the scalding liquid of God’s own hatred of sin mingled with his white-hot wrath against that sin. This is the Father’s cup: omnipotent hatred and anger for the sins of every generation past, present, and future. Omnipotent wrath directed at one naked man hanging on a cross.
The Father can no longer look at his beloved Son, his heart’s treasure, the mirror-image of himself. And he diverts his gaze.
Jesus pushes himself upward and howls to heaven, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Silence. Separation.
Jesus pushes himself up again and cries, “It is finished.” And it is. Every sin of every child of God had been laid on Jesus and he drank the cup of God’s wrath dry.
Electrical stimulation therapy... i think that's what they call it. its like a little drill with 2 rounded heads on it that go on either side of your upper spine and then pumps electrical currents into your body.
i call it an answer to prayer (even if only temporary). God is kind. The past 2 days have been significantly better than the previous 18. After functioning 18 days at 10%, seeing a 50% improvement is really a gift from God. I'm grateful for 60%.
still very aware of my limitation and confident that the migraine is still there (but simply shocked for a while), but nonetheless grateful for small gifts. God's mercy is on display in my heart right now. His mercy - giving me a day with minimized pain. I really do love Him more than I did a month ago. He's bigger. exponentially.
Like Eustace, I can't peel my dragon layers off... Like Lucy, when I come back and see another glimpse its like "Aslan, my how you've grown" "No, my child. I'm the same size. But as you get older, I grow larger in your eyes." Either way... He's growing in my eyes. not that I've achieved. or am even close...
Matt asked us in care group last week if we had a time when our relationship with God was especially sweet and where there was an extraordinary depth and specialness present. That's been the last month or so for me. This has been sweet. I pray that sweetness continues even if the migraines don't. And I'm really praying they don't. I don't like this and wouldn't have picked it. But in spite of that, there is a special, almost holy sweetness. Times of suffering can be sweet fellowship and growth periods, but oh, to have that same growth and desire during times of ease. I think that requires an extra measure of grace. to feel strong yet continue to acknowledge our neediness. that's not a natural human reaction.
How I long for the day when I will be ruled by truth rather than emotions. My feelings affect so much. the Bible rarely affects to the same effect. I pray that those 2 roles become reversed - that the living words from the Lover of my soul would constantly define and drive me instead of the absence or presence of pain.
i was reminded this morning of the verse "draw near to God and He will draw near to you." What a comfort! As I stumble and bumble anlong, He is guiding each step of the way. As I fail, He is faithful. As I'm hopeless, He reminds me of the hope that can truly only be found in Him. And as I draw near (only through the grace He's imparted to me and through the enablement He's already given me), He continues to reveal more and more layers and depths of His beautiful character.
How cool to know that will never be exhausted. I can't ever draw so near that "i've reached the end." The end is coming. But not here. Not now. I'll always be pursuing. And as I do, He'll simultaneously always be drawing and revealing. But its all because of His grace. All because of His mercy. And all through His work and power.
My head hurts to the point where I can't focus or concentrate when I try to read. So, I've stopped trying. I haven't read a book since February 22nd. For most people, that's not a big deal... its only 17 days... for me, its an eternity. I haven't opened a Spanish book or a German book or even a music book. I rarely even read blogs anymore. I haven't listened to a CD unless its extremely quiet to the point where its almost useless because you can't hear what is being sung anyways.
I can still type because I don't look at what I'm typing, my fingers simply produce on paper what is otherwise locked in this abyss of random thoughts and figures. They provide a helpful escape to my head that otherwise wants to simply scream. ahh. words on paper. coherent thoughts... *feelings of warm-fuzzies running through my veins*
I'm glad I've memorized portions of the Bible... its times like this that those verses have comforted me. And provoked. And challenged. And yelled at. And comforted again. Verses like Romans 6 and 1st Peter 1 and random parts of Galatians and Ephesians and Mark. And other various passages too like the Psalms 84 and 139 and Ezekiel 16 and Job 23.
This time has forced me to focus on what I already know and seek to apply it. Focus on the "good-old" passages like "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." How rich! And, sadly, how often overlooked to find yet another "new" and "helpful" nugget. I'm grateful for this old "nugget." This one specifically has been so pervasive in my thoughts lately.
Why? Probably because I'm more aware of my weakness. Perhaps because I'm seeing more of His strength so magnificently and gloriously on display. Its a comfort. His grace is sufficient. Sufficient for all my deficiencies. Covers all my sin. ALL! But its provoking as well. Provoking because I detest weakness. In my pride, I think I should be strong. I try to find ways to make myself strong.
And He says instead...
be weak... that's when you glory in my strength
rejoice in infirmities... because then you are rejoicing in me not in your ability
hope in me... if you hope in your ability, its like hoping in a sand castle on the beach - it took time and detail to build, but can be destroyed by simply one wave...
trust in the Rock... trust in the Unfailing Hope... I'll never ever fail...
that's what our weakness does ... that's why we're command to rejoice in it.
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness...
not a hope in a pain free day... a hope as a result of my salvation as a work of Christ alone on the cross.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name...
I can't trust my own ability. I can't trust my health. But I can trust His promises. They never ever change though my feelings do.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand all other ground is sinking sand.
My hope is not dependent on my trust. Or my circumstances. It is wholly reliant on the Rock that is under me. The support that I'm so often unaware of. Everything else, everything other than the Unchanging Eternal All-Powerful God, the Creator of the Universe and Lover of my soul, everything else is temporary. It may be pretty like a sand castle on the beach but when the waves come, that beauty and "fortress" of sand is washed away. My trust is in a Rock that is greater than any storm. A Fortress that is "mighty to save."
I'm sitting here in tears. The tears are a mixture of overwhelmedness (is that a word?) and fear (lack of trusting God) and joy and simply because tears seem to be the appropriate response right now. Here's what that means to me...
I had an MRI done this morning of my brain. Let me start by saying, God was immensely gracious. I was for lack of a better explanation "freaking out" this morning thinking about being stuck motionless in a little tube for 30 minutes. And then when I got there, I found out we didn't acutally have enough time for me to have any medicine to help sedate me and calm me down. My first thought was "crap... I can't do this." Then my mind flashed back to Sunday 2 weeks ago when Katie posted a note on my music stand right before the worship set began. The note was "His strength is made perfect in weakness." How timely that note was. For many reasons unknown at that time... Over the last 2 weeks, that one note, handwritten on scratch paper has been used countless times to encourage me and ever-increasingly build my faith. How grateful I am to have had that one bit of Scripture to apply to my life right now. So, back to the story...
I'm freaking out (emotional response) while being reminded of the truth (non-emotional, non-changing truth). What that verse said to me sitting in that chair as a needle was being placed in my arm and I could literally feel my heart start beating faster was this "Emily - you're right. You will freak out. But I'm here. And I'm not freaking out. I can handle this. And since I'm here, that means you can handle this. Calm down and trust. I'm good and it will be okay." Wanna know what applying Scripture looks like? Wasn't thinking through this at the time, but that's what it looks like. That's how it worked today for me.
So, they tell me when its time to go in, and i lay down on this little table that eventually is moved into the MRI tube. I quickly shut my eyes, in disbelief and literal horror that they are really about to stick me in this noisy cold contraption. The technician tells me it will take approximately 17 minutes for the first part and then they will pull me out, and inject a "contrast liquid" into the needle and tube precariously poking out of my arm and then put me back in and we will start the process over again. By God's grace, the first thing that came to my mind was "17 minutes is how long Jim said it takes for an average reader to read through the entire book of 1st Peter." That prompted my soul to begin quoting the book to myself (at least the portion of the book that i currently have memorized). So, I start with "Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ..." I think it was not long after that that I started crying on the table. Not crying because of the extremely loud noises that were encompassing my already-pounding and aching head. But crying in gratefulness. Grateful that my sweet Jesus wasn't leaving me alone in my fear, in this little encompassing tube of noise and terror, but that He was present there with me. He was holding my cold hand that I was trying desperately to keep from shaking. He was comforting me through His living, breathing words. How grateful I am that I've been working to memorize the book. And how kind of God to allow certain passages to come back to my mind today in this time of my need.
Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ...(I've been called too. I'm as rebellious and cold-hearted as Peter was. Isn't God amazing... that He would choose me...) ... to the elect exiles ...(I might be an exile... i might be in this foreign place ... but I'm elect ... I'm chosen... I'm not alone... I'm HIS!... this is cool and I don't quite get it) ... by the foreknowledge of God the Father...(this isn't a surprise to God... He knew on the day He created the world (even beforehand) that this day would take place in my life. He planned for me to be suffering right now with unexplained migraines and pushed beyond my limit of control and ability. But He's my Father. He's not pushing me to harm me in any way. He's pushing me to increase my confidence in Him) ... through the sanctification of the Spirit...(this power... this SAME POWER that raised my sweet Jesus from the dead... that SAME POWER is right here... RIGHT NOW! with me... in my little wilderness of confusion and uncertainty. He's sanctifying me right here, right now in my weakness...) ... by the obedience of Jesus Christ and through the sprinkling of His blood...(Jesus obeyed. I'm commanded to be like Him. Its possible even in my weakness and lack of trust to choose to obey right now. Right now obedience looks like staying calm, keeping my eyes shut so I don't freak out and trusting Him to empower me to do that because all I want to do is cry and scream like a little baby... but because He obeyed... because of His blood, I've been given that same ability. I can obey. I can make it through this. I don't have to be held captive by my fear. Romans 6 says I'm not a slave anymore. I can choose otherwise - there's another option than the passions of my former ignorance - passions of fear and unbelief.) ... may grace and peace be multiplied to you.(multiplication takes my little puny effort and increases it exponentially. it takes my little pea of effort and creates a smorgasbord of ability. His grace empowers. His peace comforts.) Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to His great mercy He has caused us to be born again to a living hope...(this living hope is not dependent on the results of this MRI. This hope is ouside of Emily's little realm. It's greater. I can bless God no matter what because of this hope. I can rejoice no matter what because this is true.) ... to an inheritance that is imperishable...(I'm free. I'm rich. I've been given everything. i don't understand that. this is overwhelming) ... kept in heaven for you...(wonder how soon I'm gonna see that? it could be soon depending on what the drs say about the test results... that would be really amazing... i'm okay with that...) ... in this you rejoice though now for a little while you have been grieved by various trials...(God in His mercy doesn't give us each the same trial. He gives us the trial or blessing we need at that time. I can rejoice even in trials because I know a really really personal God that even chooses trials and pain based on what is best for me. He not only gives us hope in our future inheritance, He also empowers us to endure what He's calling us to now.) ... so that the tested genuineness of your faith may be found...(this trial is proving to me and to others the all-sufficiency of my Christ in my life. I'm learning by this trial... by the noises of this MRI machine that I'm in right now in the midst of a horrible body-wrenching migraine... that He is good. That my faith is real. I'm seeing right now how my faith is genuine. What a cool glimpse. This faith, this gospel, this belief really DOES stand firm in the midst of the fire. It REALLY WORKS! How cool to get to experience that power.) ...therefore preparing your minds for action ...(well, I'm already mid-battle... but I can still be prepared. This is war. This is a war to trust God vs what I feel. I feel overwhelmed. God says "I am sufficient." I feel discouraged. God says "I'm your hope") ... so that your faith and your hope are in God.(that's the goal. that's the main thing. that's what I'm commanded to keep central. A hope in God - a loving Father and Friend and Comfortor, not a hope in a good result only - though I am praying for a good result)
At this point, the technician pulled me out of the machine and inserted the "contrast liquid" into that ever-so-precarious needle sticking from my vein in my arm. I think that's when the real trial began. As he pushed me back into the tube, I began to get very very nautious. I honestly thought I was going to have to ask him to pull me out so I could throw up. It was bad. I kept swallowing, nervously thinking I was shaking too much and that would only prolong the entire process. "grace made perfect in need... strength in weakness... rich in my poverty... His righteousness imparted to me... His power at work right here right now to sustain... the same power that raised Christ from the dead is working in me right now to do what He's called me to do right here right now" These were cross-centered MRI thoughts that only came as a result of God's grace supernaturally at work in my tension-wracked anxious heart. All praise be to God that He empowered me to somehow swallow and choke back the nausea without having to stop the test.
What a kind "Daddy" I have. I'm grateful. I love Him more as a result than I did this morning. Though I'm discouraged with the test results, I can truly say I'm grateful. He has spared me from a tumor or cancer or other life-threatening situation. He has given me another "square one." Though I'm fearful to start over with no apparent reasons for what's been going on in my body, He won't stop sustaining now. He is good. Though I was praying for a cut and dry answer of "oh, now we understand... this is what is causing the pain... let's go in and fix it and then you'll be okay with no more struggles or pain or anything," He knows that's not what's best. He knows what is wrong in my body and He will sustain me until either the day it is resolved or until the day I die. Either way... either path... either result, He is there. And He will provide just enough light for me to take one more step in faith... and then one more again... and then...
The next step looks like... make it through this weekend... try to research and find out what else could be causing this... "TRUST IN ME"... beg my Physician for a cure... trust in Him even if no cure comes... quit comparing myself to other people's trials and rejoice in the all-sustaining Grace He's providing for me right now where I am in my current weakness. Love and whole-heartedly embrace this current weakness because it points me to Him. Be confused and discouraged as necessary but let that only point me to the throne of Grace where I have been promised (and consistently already shown) help in my time of need.
I can honestly say that I'm okay with "no." I was praying for "yes." I'm discouraged with "no" but I know my God wouldn't have given that answer unless it was the best answer possible from an all-loving, all-knowing Father who pities His children and rejoices in giving good gifts. So, with that in mind, I can be confident that "no" is a good gift. that "yes" would not have been. And that He will continue to support and impart grace as we encounter who knows how many more "yes's" and "no's."
I know that no matter what God is at the bottom of it all. My God is sovereign. That is a comfort. I'm weak and that's what's best. He will, like a flower garden in the spring, continue to unveil more depth to His beauty and greatness as I delve deeper into that garden of His great unsearchable character. He is not limited by a "no" on an MRI. He could heal me today. He could choose never to heal me. But I am confident in this... He will be with me, carrying me each step of the uncertain way. And nothing that I feel, and no tears of unbelief and fear that I cry will change that. He is constant. He is sustaining. That alone is my hope. That is my only source of confidence and my only reason for joy. But that's so much more than enough.
exerpts from CJ's blog (including quotes from DA Carson and David Powlison)
Philippians 4:4—“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice” (ESV).
I find this verse easy to ignore in the midst of adversity. But I must not ignore this verse or assume that this passage doesn’t apply to me. It does. God has given this verse to us for the good of our soul and, ultimately, for his glory.
This approach of focusing on one specific passage in counseling settings is one I learned from my friend David Powlison, articulated in his article “Think Globally, Act Locally.” He writes,
In a nutshell, connect one bit of Scripture to one bit of life. In other words, always ask two questions for yourself and others: What is your current struggle? What about God in Christ connects to this? … Apply one relevant thing from our Redeemer to one significant scene in this person’s story. Bring one bit of Bible to one bit of life. You can’t say it all at once. (The Journal of Biblical Counseling, Fall 2003, p. 3)
D.A. Carson’s comments on the verse from his book Basics for Believers: An Exposition of Philippians (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 1996):
The ultimate ground of our rejoicing can never be our circumstances, even though we as Christians recognize that our circumstances are providentially arranged. If our joy derives primarily from our circumstances, then when our circumstances change, we will be miserable. Our delight must be in the Lord himself. That is what enables us to live with joy above our circumstances. As Nehemiah puts it, “The joy of the Lord is your strength” (Neh. 8:10). Perhaps that is one of the reasons why the Lord sometimes allows miserable circumstances to lash us—that we may learn this lesson.…Whatever the mysteries of evil and sorrow, they do have the salutary effect of helping believers to shift the ground of their joy from created things to the Creator, from the temporary to the eternal, from jingoism to Jesus, from consumption to God. (p. 106)
How about you? Are you personally experiencing a season of adversity with no end in sight? If so, rather than peering into the future trying to predict the concluding date of the trial, I recommend you look down and then up.
Look down and realize a transition is under way to shift the ground of your joy “from created things to the Creator.” Then look up and delight in the Lord himself. Contemplate his changeless character and the finished work of Jesus Christ on the cross. Then—dependent upon God’s grace—obey this command given for our good and his glory. Rejoice as you realize afresh you are doing much better than you deserve.
This will not alter the severity of your trial, but it will transform your perspective and strengthen your soul for the trial.
