You Never Let Go

by Matt Redman

Yo-Yo

... a picture of my life lately.

thanks Christa and Jess... yesterday was encouraging. today however...

*sigh*

I am so glad that my Jesus is holding my yo-yo of life. He is sovereignly ordaining each up and each down. He is full of love and compassion and each day I take a breath is a testimony of that.

So, in the midst of a "down" today, I am seeking to be grateful. Grateful because I have received mercy. Grateful because I have a Savior that has compassion on me in my weakness. Grateful because He has promised mercy and help in my times of need.

So, God, help. I need mercy. Again. I don't deserve it. But I guess that's the point...

die to live anew

God has been continuously reminding me of one thing this week... His unfailing, pursuing, incomprehensible, eternal, covenental love.

His death is the everlasting guarantee of that love. His gift of salvation to me... His soveriegn offering of union with Him proves to me His unfailing love and care. I long to explore the depths of that holy love. I am compelled to understand the richness in those depths.

"And as for your birth, on the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to cleanse you … but you were cast out on the open field … “And when I passed by you and saw you wallowing in your blood, I said to you in your blood, 'Live!' I said to you in your blood, 'Live! … I made my vow to you and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Lord GOD, and you became mine." Ezekiel 16

His is not a love that overlooks sin, rather a love that removes it. He did not merely forgive my debt, He paid it, wholly and completely.

Thanks Steve, for the reminder of what the cross did. I cannot think of your post without remembering the Crucifixion Narrative - a graphic display of the substitutionary full atonement achieved that day as the Perfect Man was cursed as He stood condemned in my place.

Thanks Josh (and Showbread), for the reminder through music that we cannot attain this life neither by peity nor by indulgence. Both lead to destruction.

But God... the Lamb...

He leads to life. He carries us to life. He redeems our life from the pit. He plants our feet on a Rock and breathes life into our dead soul. He opens our eyes and shows us His love.

I am loving these 2 albums. See Josh's blog for a great review, for he is more concise than I could ever hope to be. :)

When I survey the wondrous cross on which the Prince of glory died, my richest gain I count but loss, and pour contempt on all my pride.

Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast, save in the death of Christ my God! All the vain things that charm me most, I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet, sorrow and love flow mingled down! Did e’er such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine, that were a present far too small; love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all. (Isaac Watts)

Father hear my voice, be it small. Here I am, though I am nothing at all. Dost thou still see something to love in me? If it be, You will carry me away that I might live today

To Christ, who won for sinners' grace by bitter grief and anguish sore; be praise from all the ransomed race, forever and forevermore. (additional lyrics by Showbread)

By God's grace, in union with Him, these thoughts will direct my life. This truth will provide light to my steps and hope to my often weary heart.

...but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5

... we were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. Romans 6

The Beginning - Showbread

Hope in He who brings the rain

Jeremiah 14:22

Are there any among the false gods of the nations that can bring rain? Or can the heavens give showers? Are you not he, O Lord our God? We set our hope on you, for you do all these things.

Hope

Today was a hard day. You never want to attend a baby's funeral. The flowers on top of the small casket were larger than the casket itself. My friends are grieving deeply. My heart hurts for them.

But what I left the day with was one word... hope. The funeral service was done by my pastor, Jim Britt. Dave and Melissa picked out two songs to sing - one before and one after. The first song was "Blessed be Your Name" and the second was "It is Well." Never were those words harder to sing. It was heartbreaking to see tears roll down countless faces while we tried to sing the words "you give and take away... my heart will chose to say blessed be your name."

But as Jim so tenderly reminded us, our hope is not in the gifts given, rather in the Giver of gifts. He reminded us of the hope that God brings. It has been faith building for me to watch my friends walk through this trial. Their hope is confidently in a loving Father who cares for them. Their sorrow is met with an even-greater Comfortor. God's grace is so overwhelmingly evident in their lives right now.

Bless the Lord

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

The LORD works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel. The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more. But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children, to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments. The LORD has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all.

Bless the LORD, O you his angels, you mighty ones who do his word, obeying the voice of his word! Bless the LORD, all his hosts, his ministers, who do his will! Bless the LORD, all his works, in all places of his dominion. Bless the LORD, O my soul! (Psalm 103)

Last night at care group, I stood in a crowded room, yet felt very much all alone. I was struggling to arrest my soul with truth instead of being discouraged by my emotions. I was fighting to praise instead of mourn. I knew that my soul was desperately thirsty for those Words that bring life. So, in the midst of the second song, I stopped singing and opened my Bible and began to read.

I was reading Psalm 103 and was freshly reminded and encouraged by God's love to me. By His intimate care and by His awareness of my weakness. I was encouraged of the reminder that God knows I'm dust. But even the rocks can cry out and praise God. So, dust can too.

As I was reading through the Psalm again, Matt stopped singing and began to read. It was spooky. He began reading exactly Psalm 103. Not just the first verse -- the whole chapter. It was as if God were saying "see, Emily... I really do love you. I do care. I am more powerful than you - you're dust. But I care for you... softly and tenderly."

Big surprise... I started crying. :)

He loves me. He's forgiven me. Wow. Julie again reminded me of those same things later that night. He loves me. He chose me in my sin. He is pleased when He looks at me because He sees Jesus. I have a Mediator, so when Christ looks at me, He is pleased. He does not see me as unworthy of His love. Through the cross, He sees me through Jesus' worth.

I don't get that. But its grace. And its amazing. That's why my soul can bless the Lord. That's why there's joy. That's peace. That's rest. Wow. That's cool...

The Faithful Promiser

'And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish' John 10:28

The Christian should never think or speak lightly of unbelief. For a child of God to mistrust His love, His truth, His faithfulness, must be greatly displeasing to Him. How can we ever grieve Him by doubting His upholding grace? Christian! it is contrary to every promise of God's precious Word that thou shouldnst ever be forgotten or left to perish. If it could be so, how could He be true who has said, 'Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I never forget thee.' What were the value of that promise - 'The mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but My kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of My peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee'? Where were the truth of Christ's words - 'I give unto My sheep eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of My hand. My Father, which gave them Me is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of My Father's hand;? Where were the doctrines of grace? They would be all disproved if one child of God should perish. Where were the veracity of His oath, if any of those for whom Christ has died, and who have put their trust in Him should nevertheless be cast away? Banish those unbelieving fears which so dishonour God. Arise, shake thyself from the dust, and put on they beautiful garments. Remember it is sinful to doubt His Word wherein He has promised thee that thou shalt never perish. Let the eternal life within thee express itself in confident rejoicing.

'The gospel bears my spirit up: a faithful and unchanging God lays the foundation for my hope, in oaths, and promises, and blood.'

-Charles Spurgeon, Morning and Evening

The Answer for the Hope

Today at lunch, God opened up a door to share with my new coworker, the answer to the hope that is within me. It started with a conversation about my new job, learning how to work with new personalities, etc. That somehow morphed into a discussion about where I live, where I go to church and how I ended up there.

My coworker is not a Christian, does not claim to be, and from what I assess, is who I was 5 years ago - skeptical about a belief that in many ways seems "too good to be true." I remember telling Rick 5 years ago that the church family he was describing to me didn't exist, but if it did, that must truly be the greatest place on earth. But that I didn't believe it existed at all. My coworker's in that place today.

She seems to be open to hearing what I have to say, out of a genuine desire to get to know who I am. What an opportunity to share with her who my Jesus is.

So, I was able to start the conversation about what true genuine Christ-like love looks like - it looks like something we don't often see from "church-goers" - it looks like a transformation of what a person values in their life - it looks like loving the unloveable, caring more for their souls than the outward appearance (with an understanding that the outward appearance often reflects the inner man), disagreeing with someone's actions but not judging the person.

I didn't quite express it in those terms, but I shared with her what an impact my friends at Sovereign Grace Church have had on my hopeless life. My intent was to start building a relationship, start sharing some of what God has done in me, and when she mentioned that "I've really pulled myself up by my bootstraps" attempting humbly (though not fully understood) that my life is just an example of God's amazing grace at work.

She accurately mentioned that "you can't just change yourself - its important to have other people around you helping you see the truth." How true that statement is. I shared with her that apart from God's grace at work in and through my friends, I can confidently say I would not be today where I am now.

I think today's conversation was the first of many. I am grateful for my friends. I am indebted to the change that God has brought about as a result of their faithful witness to me - through their faithful living out of humble orthodoxy. By God's grace, I desire to live that same witness out before my coworker and friend. I pray that God opens her eyes, that perhaps she comes to church in a few weeks when I am going to be baptized.

I haven't yet asked if she would like to come -I pray that God would deepen the friendship, that He would support this bridge so that one day I will be able to carry across the truth of my Friend that died on a tree so many years ago.

I pray that God would continue to provide opportunities like today, when my union with Christ flowed as an easy topic of conversation. Looking back on lunch, wow... His grace was evident. I did not fear to share with her, the words flowed off my tongue with excitement about who my friends (and who my Greatest Friend) are. How sweet to see if the God who pursued me through the lives of my friends, would use me and begin (or possibly continue?!) to pursue my coworker. I pray that the Hound of Heaven would go hunting again, that the Shepherd would seek out yet another lost sheep, and that He would passionately and personally pursue her through His love, as displayed most magnificently on the Cross.

Dream

So, on Saturday night I had a dream like I've never had before. I awoke overwhelmed, encouraged and freshly aware of God's kind sovereignty. Here's how it went.

God has given me an unusual burden for my friends in Myanmar. I don't know why, other than to share in their burdens and approach the Throne of Grace asking for help in their time of need. They've been on my mind almost constantly since Cyclone Nargis hit 10 days ago.

So, in this dream, I was allowed to travel to Burma to provide needed relief aid to the disaster vicitims. Imagine Hurricaine Katrina hitting an area with wooden houses and sheds. Its no surprise the devastation is great. While there, I was meeting Burmese families who had lost children, wives who lost husbands, men who had no way to provide for the family members that remained.

I met with a Christian lady (still dreaming, remember) who had lost the pastor of her church, her husband and 2 of her three small children. She had no home to return to, no job to work in order to provide the basic necessities for her small boy and no available medical care. From a worldly perspective, this dear child of God had no hope.

As I handed her a cup of water, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me how grateful she was. I asked her why. "How can you be grateful? You've just lost everything."

With tears streaming down her dirty, weathered face, she looked at me and said (through a translator) that her husband, 2 children and her pastor were now in the presence of Jesus. How her tear-filled eyes rejoiced! She missed them. Her heart ached for the small comforts she had only 11 days ago (though I would have, in my western-worldview not seen even that as "comfort"). But she smiled. She had hope amidst a hopeless situation.

She rejoiced in her trial because her almighty Sovereign God had planned that cyclone to obliterate her town. He knew it was coming long before she did. He knew, before she was ever born that on May the 2nd, 2008, her world would change forever. But this God, who is all-powerful loved her. He, who controls the winds and waves, cared for her soul enough to open her eyes to the love of Jesus. She, my nameless friend from a dream, rejoiced because, though she was born Buddhist, was told of Jesus several years ago. And He became beautiful to her. He brought hope to her war-ravaged world.

I wanted to hug her, but the culture there is not as personal and open to feeling as mine is and I did not want to offend her. So instead, I told her that I had been praying for them. I then asked how I could pray specifically for her.

She wanted me to know that she was blessed - that she had already been given everything. She wanted me to pray for her friends that didn't have this same hope. She wanted me to pray that her faith in her sovereign, loving Jesus would grow through this "light and temporary affliction." She wanted me to share that blessing with others that I knew too.

Then I woke up.

When I got to church a few hours later (I had the dream Saturday night), we prayed during worship for the folks in Burma. God reminded me at that point, that we were corporately offering up a sweet smelling offering to our God that controls the waves. Through Jesus, our feeble prayers and humble songs were a beautiful sight and smell before the Throne of Grace.

The worship set was in many senses a disaster - the sound equipment didn't work at all; half the band couldn't play as a result. It was from a musical standpoint very amateur. But what a reminder - Jesus took those feeble attempts and perfected that worship. When it arrived before the Throne, the Almighty Commander of the Waves received the sweet gift of a beautiful symphony of praise. As we were more aware of our weakness, He became yet again greater to me.

Worship yesterday was powerful. It was as if the roof was lifted and I could see Jesus handing God the Father a beautiful package of us simultaneously acknowledging our neediness and His all-encompassing greatness.

I often forget that transaction that takes place at my church at 10 AM each Sunday morning.

One day, we'll all be standing together before that throne, singing in every language, rejoicing with praise alongside that pastor and husband and those 2 children that died 10 days ago in the cyclone.

I'll stand next to my friend from Burma whom I've never met, with hands held high, in complete thankfulness to the One who created each trial in our lives. I'll rejoice, as I see face to face, the One who not only planned, but also accompanied me through each trial.

Come Weary Saints - part 2

How do you define a good CD? Is it something that makes you feel good? Is it something that evokes a certain emotion or reaction? Is it something that is pleasing to your ears? What makes it "good"?

I would like to propose that "Come Weary Saints" the newest album by Sovereign Grace Music is a good CD. Good, not because it makes me feel good, but good because of what it is about. I posted earlier this morning about one of the songs. Since then, the CD been on "repeat" in iTunes and has been playing over and over again. Over the next few days, I plan to post in more detail about each of the songs.

One thing I've noticed is that this CD is about hope. But its not about a hope based in the absence of trials, its about finding our hope in Christ - choosing to trust a Hope right in the midst of trials. This hope and peace does not means what the world typically thinks of as hope and peace. Its not a "feel good" thing at all.

Our hope is found in the love of Jesus. My freedom is found in Him, not in the abscence of trials or struggles. The third song on the album "As Long As You Are Glorified" talks about this hope.

It is a song I desperately need to hear over and over again, and a song that my selfish and prideful heart wants to skip. My heart willingly thanks God in times of blessings and days of sunshine and then grumbles when it rains. It is hard to sing wholeheartedly "let your will be done in me - I long for nothing else but that You are glorified." Those words hurt. Those words don't easily roll off my tongue.

They need to be learned. They need to be rehersed. They need practice, for I tend to neglect those words. I forget that my God is sovereign (“Sovereignty is the exclusive right (legal or moral entitlement) to have complete control over an area of governance, people, or oneself. A sovereign is the supreme lawmaking authority, subject to no other.” (definition taken from Wikipedia)). I forget that God is loving. My heart looks away from that Hope. I forget Psalm 23 - that God accompanies in the valleys (2. Cor 12:9, Mk 14:35-36, Lam 3:21-24, Hab 3:17-19) but that He also leads through the valleys (Job 42:12-17, Genesis 45).

I want to learn this lesson. I don't want someone to write about me one day what was written about the children of Israel in Psalm 81.

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Shall I take from your hand your blessings
Yet not welcome any pain?
Shall I thank you for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain?
Shall I love you in times of plenty
Then leave you in days of drought?
Shall I trust when I reap the harvest
But when winter winds blow then doubt?

Oh let your will be done in me
In your love I will abide.
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As you are glorified.

Are you good only when I prosper,
And true only when I’m filled?
Are you King only when I’m carefree,
And God only when I’m well?
You are Good when I’m poor and needy
You are True when I’m parched and dry.
You still reign in the deepest valley
You’re still God in the darkest night.

Oh let your will be done in me
In your love I will abide.
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As you are glorified.

So quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart
Quiet my restless heart
In You

Oh let your will be done in me
In your love I will abide.
Oh I long for nothing else as long
As you are glorified.

Written by Mark Altrogge
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Father, give me more grace to trust in You. Let your love compel me to say "no matter what - your will be done." God, your glory is amazing, and I only glimpse the fringes. May my life highlight your glory. May you be satisfied with my sacrifice - not a sacrifice of words, but a sacrifice of praise from a heart that is full of You.

Faith and Hope

“Faith believes God to be true, hope awaits the time when his truth shall be manifested; faith believes that he is our Father, hope anticipates that he will ever show himself to be a Father toward us; faith believes that eternal life has been given to us, hope anticipates that it will some time be revealed; faith is the foundation upon which hope rests, hope nourishes and sustains faith” (John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, III.2.42).

Rejoice Greatly

"Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion!
Shout, O daughter of Jerusalem!
Behold, your King is coming to you;
He is just and having salvation,
Lowly and riding on a donkey,
A colt, the foal of a donkey."
- Zech. 9:9

"And they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their cloaks on it, and he sat on it. And many spread their cloaks on the road, and others spread leafy branches that they had cut from the fields. And those who went before and those who followed were shouting, "Hosanna! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David!Hosanna in the highest!"

- Mark 11:7 - 10

"But whoever would be great among you must be your servant,

and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all.

For even the Son of Man came not to be served

but to serve

and to give his life as a ransom for many."

-Mark 10:42 -45

"Jesus called out with a loud voice,

"Father, into your hands I commit my spirit."

When he had said this, he breathed his last.
The centurion, seeing what had happened,

praised God and said,

"Surely this man was the Son of God."

- Luke 23: 46 - 47

Wave upon Wave meets Grace upon Grace

Life brings waves. Another day lived brings more waves. That is what I have to look forward to. Every day there will be new trials. Every day there will be new struggles and pain and sorrow. Every day on this earth will be hard in its own, new, unique way.

But that thought doesn't depress me. It doesn't make me want to give up and cry. It simply makes me long for heaven more. A day when I will wake up, look my Savior in the face and be in His presence completely. Not a presence of wrath and judgment - a presence of love and mercy. What a day! What a sight for my weary, worn eyes that will be.

It makes me think of the old song I grew up on: "what a day that will be when my Jesus I shall see. When I look upon His face, the One who saved me by His grace. When He takes me by the hand, leads me through the Promised Land... what a day, glorious day that will be."

But for now, there are trials. For now, there are "light" and "momentary" afflictions. But my confidence isn't in having a "suck it up and endure" attitude. My confidence is that my Savior has not only rescued me from an eternity of damnation; He has given me hope for this life and strength for these weary days too. That hope is found in His ever-present grace. Grace upon grace is flooding over me as the waves upon waves seem to overwhelm me.

As I'm more aware of my weakness... as He takes and takes away, I am beginning to see that what He gives is so much more meaningful. He may take my ability to teach German. He may take my ability to sing. He may weaken (and hopefully one day kill) my pride in my accomplishments, but He is giving GRACE. That is sweet. It is precious and I'm grateful for it. He is taking me and giving Himself. Why would I ask for that to be taken away?

The migraines aren't every day. But they are still almost daily. Overall, the pain is either decreasing due to the new treatment or I'm just learning to manage it better. I think its both. I know I've had more energy in the past week. But I hesitate to ask for healing. I know my tendency. I boast in my accomplishments. I take pride in my strenghts and look to my abilities as the answer. But how I long for the day when my boasting is in Christ alone... when my hope is in Christ alone... when my strength is mediated through Him alone... when my gifts truly bring Him glory alone. I want that.

There is a sweet peace found in His strength that I don't experience on a daily basis. But I have experienced it. And I want more of it. I want more grace. I want more of His power. I want to lean on Him (realizing that means I'm stripped of more of me). I want a faith that is unshakeable, an anchor that is firm through the fiercest drought and storms, a hope that is built on a firm foundation. Its sweet.

Though it hurts, its refreshing. Though it comes through pain, there is comfort. And the comfort makes the pain pale in comparison.

An Easy Hell

An Easy Hell (by Thomas Watson, from "The Art of Divine Contentment")

"I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know howto have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well-fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need." Philippians 4:11-12

Whatever affliction or trouble a child of God meets with—it is all the hell he shall ever have! Whatever eclipse may be upon his name or estate—it is but a little cloud which will soon be blown over—and then his hell is past!

Death begins a wicked man's hell.
Death ends a godly man's hell.

Think with yourself, "What is my affliction? It is but a temporary hell. Indeed, if all my hell is here on earth—it is but an easy hell. What is the cup of affliction—compared to the cup of damnation!"

Lazarus could not get a crumb; he was so diseased that the dogs took pity on him; and as if they had been his physicians, licked his sores. But this was an easy hell—the angels quickly fetched him out of it! If all our hell is in this life—and in the midst of this hell, we have the love of God—then it is no more hell, but paradise! If all our hell is here on earth, we may see to the end of it; it is but skin-deep, it cannot touch the soul. It is a short-lived hell. After a dreary night of affliction, comes the bright morning of glory!

Since our lives are short—our trials cannot be long! As our riches take wings and fly away—so do our sufferings! Let us learn then, to be content, whatever our circumstances.

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this article was very helpful to me this morning when I read it. the last few weeks in my life really have been hell - whether its being pushed beyond my limits physically or out of my comfort zone by placing me in someone else's house with someone else's responsiblitiy or the unrest and uncertainty at work right now that seems never ending...

this has really been by far the hardest time of my Christian life so far. its been extreme and severe and roller-coastery and so on. and when it seems to be calming down, it picks right back up again. minute by minute, it has been a choice to either give in to my emotions and fears or to choose to resist that temptation from Satan and instead place my hope in Christ.

i'm fighting to place my hope in God. the command to place our hope in God tells me that it doesn't go there by default. I have to work to put my full reliance on my Savior as the answer to my problems and discouragement. that's a struggle. its a war and i can tell physical effects on my body and mind. but I am grateful for the reminder that this will have an end. this is hard. but there is a hope that this life is the worst I'll experience because I'm in union with Christ.

that union means I'm secure now amidst the unrest (even when I don't feel it) and that I have hope for the future (even when I don't see it). I won't "fall off the roller coaster" because I'm securely strapped in the arms of my powerful Physician Jesus who lovingly protects me from all harm. I won't "drown in the waves" because I'm held by a loving Father who won't let me sink under the overwhelming, powerful waves that keep assaulting my every breath. I won't fail in this trial because my confidence lies in the fact that I have a Guarantor of my faith.

My Jesus and the Holy Spirit will continue to sustain me throughout these (and future) trials and I have the promise that He will complete what He's started in me and that He will sustain me through the end. I'm weak. I'm dependent. But He's powerful and strong. So, even through this temporary "hell" I have the hope and confidence that I can choose to rejoice in the God of my salvation as the Rock that supports me through all trials.

Hope in Affliction

He has besieged me and surrounded me with bitterness and hardship. He has made me dwell in darkness like those long dead. He has walled me in so I cannot escape; he has weighed me down with chains.

Even when I call out or cry for help, he shuts out my prayer. He has barred my way with blocks of stone; he has made my paths crooked. Like a bear lying in wait, like a lion in hiding, he dragged me from the path and mangled me and left me without help.

I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, "My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD." I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

Let him sit alone in silence, for the LORD has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust—
there may yet be hope. For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come? Why should any living man complain
when punished for his sins? Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.

I called on your name, O LORD, from the depths of the pit. You heard my plea: "Do not close your ears to my cry for relief." You came near when I called you, and you said, "Do not fear."

O Lord, you took up my case; you redeemed my life. You have seen, O LORD, the wrong done to me. Uphold my cause!

excerpts from Lamentations 3

He Hears My Cry

"Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God...

But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness. Deliver me from sinking in the mire; let me be delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters. Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up, or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good; according to your abundant mercy, turn to me. Hide not your face from your servant; for I am in distress; make haste to answer me. Draw near to my soul, redeem me; ransom me because of my enemies! ...

I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving. This will please the LORD more than an ox or a bull with horns and hoofs. When the humble see it they will be glad; you who seek God, let your hearts revive...

For the LORD hears the needy and does not despise his own people who are prisoners. Let heaven and earth praise him, the seas and everything that moves in them. For God will save Zion and build up the cities of Judah, and people shall dwell there and possess it; the offspring of his servants shall inherit it, and those who love his name shall dwell in it."

excerpts from Psalm 69

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"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
Revelation 21:4

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I'm enjoying a time of thinking. I have missed it. I'm grateful for this little moment I have. I feel almost like the couple in "the Notebook" - grateful for the moments of clarity I have, aware they can change with the flip of a switch or a honk of a horn. So, I'll type now, while I can. While the ability is there. For even that ability (and the time) is a gift.

David wrote in Psalm 69 a glimpse of his thoughts in the midst of a trial. He was in the waves. And sinking with nothing to hold onto. He was crying. He was weary. His energy was gone. Ever cry so hard it hurts to cry and you can't see clearly? I have. According to Psalm 69, David has too.

I'm grateful God chose to include weak, weary cries in the Bible. I am so often weak. And weary. Reading these prayers gives me hope for several reasons. First, because in my own pride, I tend to want to fix problems. David in his humility cried. That's a lesson I pray I am slowly learning. But it gives me hope, also, because David clearly points us not to his problem, but rather, to his Hope. David, in his own strength has no more power than the statue in the picture. He can't even cry out without God's strength working in his life.

David is weary. But His Lord is not. His prayer does not fall on a deaf or limited God - NO! they come right to the ears of the all-powerful Creator God. And David has confidence in that power. In the right timing, God WILL deliver. David didn't pray "answer me God, because I'm coming in faith" or "answer me because I'm worth it." No, he rested his confidence not on his feelings or situation, rather on the unchanging character of his God. "answer me, because you are good... because you are full of abundant mercy."

That's why David was able to sing. Right there, in the midst of pain, struggling, parched voice from all the crying... He's singing. His eyes are tired from waiting... he is sinking in this overwhelming flood and He's singing! He's thanking God in the midst of weary pain. That thanksgiving, empowered by the Spirit, from a weak, parched disciple, pleases God and encourages His children. How amazing! Grace, given as a gift from God, working through weak, weary sinners, is used to encourage faith, magnify God's greatness and even please God himself!

God hears! God knows our needs and is more than competent and willing to show himself faithful. He will save - not only temporarily by providing relief at times, but by giving us a future hope... a future inheritance... a future with no more cries.

In my heart

My head hurts to the point where I can't focus or concentrate when I try to read. So, I've stopped trying. I haven't read a book since February 22nd. For most people, that's not a big deal... its only 17 days... for me, its an eternity. I haven't opened a Spanish book or a German book or even a music book. I rarely even read blogs anymore. I haven't listened to a CD unless its extremely quiet to the point where its almost useless because you can't hear what is being sung anyways.

I can still type because I don't look at what I'm typing, my fingers simply produce on paper what is otherwise locked in this abyss of random thoughts and figures. They provide a helpful escape to my head that otherwise wants to simply scream. ahh. words on paper. coherent thoughts... *feelings of warm-fuzzies running through my veins*

I'm glad I've memorized portions of the Bible... its times like this that those verses have comforted me. And provoked. And challenged. And yelled at. And comforted again. Verses like Romans 6 and 1st Peter 1 and random parts of Galatians and Ephesians and Mark. And other various passages too like the Psalms 84 and 139 and Ezekiel 16 and Job 23.

This time has forced me to focus on what I already know and seek to apply it. Focus on the "good-old" passages like "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." How rich! And, sadly, how often overlooked to find yet another "new" and "helpful" nugget. I'm grateful for this old "nugget." This one specifically has been so pervasive in my thoughts lately.

Why? Probably because I'm more aware of my weakness. Perhaps because I'm seeing more of His strength so magnificently and gloriously on display. Its a comfort. His grace is sufficient. Sufficient for all my deficiencies. Covers all my sin. ALL! But its provoking as well. Provoking because I detest weakness. In my pride, I think I should be strong. I try to find ways to make myself strong.

And He says instead...

• be weak... that's when you glory in my strength
• rejoice in infirmities... because then you are rejoicing in me not in your ability
• hope in me... if you hope in your ability, its like hoping in a sand castle on the beach - it took time and detail to build, but can be destroyed by simply one wave...
• trust in the Rock... trust in the Unfailing Hope... I'll never ever fail...

that's what our weakness does ... that's why we're command to rejoice in it.

Waiting... in hope

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness...

not a hope in a pain free day... a hope as a result of my salvation as a work of Christ alone on the cross.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name...

I can't trust my own ability. I can't trust my health. But I can trust His promises. They never ever change though my feelings do.

On Christ the solid Rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand all other ground is sinking sand.

My hope is not dependent on my trust. Or my circumstances. It is wholly reliant on the Rock that is under me. The support that I'm so often unaware of. Everything else, everything other than the Unchanging Eternal All-Powerful God, the Creator of the Universe and Lover of my soul, everything else is temporary. It may be pretty like a sand castle on the beach but when the waves come, that beauty and "fortress" of sand is washed away. My trust is in a Rock that is greater than any storm. A Fortress that is "mighty to save."

Rejoicing when the answer is "No" (update on my head (and heart))

I'm sitting here in tears. The tears are a mixture of overwhelmedness (is that a word?) and fear (lack of trusting God) and joy and simply because tears seem to be the appropriate response right now. Here's what that means to me...

I had an MRI done this morning of my brain. Let me start by saying, God was immensely gracious. I was for lack of a better explanation "freaking out" this morning thinking about being stuck motionless in a little tube for 30 minutes. And then when I got there, I found out we didn't acutally have enough time for me to have any medicine to help sedate me and calm me down. My first thought was "crap... I can't do this." Then my mind flashed back to Sunday 2 weeks ago when Katie posted a note on my music stand right before the worship set began. The note was "His strength is made perfect in weakness." How timely that note was. For many reasons unknown at that time... Over the last 2 weeks, that one note, handwritten on scratch paper has been used countless times to encourage me and ever-increasingly build my faith. How grateful I am to have had that one bit of Scripture to apply to my life right now. So, back to the story...

I'm freaking out (emotional response) while being reminded of the truth (non-emotional, non-changing truth). What that verse said to me sitting in that chair as a needle was being placed in my arm and I could literally feel my heart start beating faster was this "Emily - you're right. You will freak out. But I'm here. And I'm not freaking out. I can handle this. And since I'm here, that means you can handle this. Calm down and trust. I'm good and it will be okay." Wanna know what applying Scripture looks like? Wasn't thinking through this at the time, but that's what it looks like. That's how it worked today for me.

So, they tell me when its time to go in, and i lay down on this little table that eventually is moved into the MRI tube. I quickly shut my eyes, in disbelief and literal horror that they are really about to stick me in this noisy cold contraption. The technician tells me it will take approximately 17 minutes for the first part and then they will pull me out, and inject a "contrast liquid" into the needle and tube precariously poking out of my arm and then put me back in and we will start the process over again. By God's grace, the first thing that came to my mind was "17 minutes is how long Jim said it takes for an average reader to read through the entire book of 1st Peter." That prompted my soul to begin quoting the book to myself (at least the portion of the book that i currently have memorized). So, I start with "Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ..." I think it was not long after that that I started crying on the table. Not crying because of the extremely loud noises that were encompassing my already-pounding and aching head. But crying in gratefulness. Grateful that my sweet Jesus wasn't leaving me alone in my fear, in this little encompassing tube of noise and terror, but that He was present there with me. He was holding my cold hand that I was trying desperately to keep from shaking. He was comforting me through His living, breathing words. How grateful I am that I've been working to memorize the book. And how kind of God to allow certain passages to come back to my mind today in this time of my need.

Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ... (I've been called too. I'm as rebellious and cold-hearted as Peter was. Isn't God amazing... that He would choose me...)
... to the elect exiles ... (I might be an exile... i might be in this foreign place ... but I'm elect ... I'm chosen... I'm not alone... I'm HIS!... this is cool and I don't quite get it)
... by the foreknowledge of God the Father... (this isn't a surprise to God... He knew on the day He created the world (even beforehand) that this day would take place in my life. He planned for me to be suffering right now with unexplained migraines and pushed beyond my limit of control and ability. But He's my Father. He's not pushing me to harm me in any way. He's pushing me to increase my confidence in Him)
... through the sanctification of the Spirit... (this power... this SAME POWER that raised my sweet Jesus from the dead... that SAME POWER is right here... RIGHT NOW! with me... in my little wilderness of confusion and uncertainty. He's sanctifying me right here, right now in my weakness...)
... by the obedience of Jesus Christ and through the sprinkling of His blood... (Jesus obeyed. I'm commanded to be like Him. Its possible even in my weakness and lack of trust to choose to obey right now. Right now obedience looks like staying calm, keeping my eyes shut so I don't freak out and trusting Him to empower me to do that because all I want to do is cry and scream like a little baby... but because He obeyed... because of His blood, I've been given that same ability. I can obey. I can make it through this. I don't have to be held captive by my fear. Romans 6 says I'm not a slave anymore. I can choose otherwise - there's another option than the passions of my former ignorance - passions of fear and unbelief.)
... may grace and peace be multiplied to you. (multiplication takes my little puny effort and increases it exponentially. it takes my little pea of effort and creates a smorgasbord of ability. His grace empowers. His peace comforts.)
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to His great mercy He has caused us to be born again to a living hope... (this living hope is not dependent on the results of this MRI. This hope is ouside of Emily's little realm. It's greater. I can bless God no matter what because of this hope. I can rejoice no matter what because this is true.)
... to an inheritance that is imperishable... (I'm free. I'm rich. I've been given everything. i don't understand that. this is overwhelming)
... kept in heaven for you... (wonder how soon I'm gonna see that? it could be soon depending on what the drs say about the test results... that would be really amazing... i'm okay with that...)
... in this you rejoice though now for a little while you have been grieved by various trials... (God in His mercy doesn't give us each the same trial. He gives us the trial or blessing we need at that time. I can rejoice even in trials because I know a really really personal God that even chooses trials and pain based on what is best for me. He not only gives us hope in our future inheritance, He also empowers us to endure what He's calling us to now.)
... so that the tested genuineness of your faith may be found... (this trial is proving to me and to others the all-sufficiency of my Christ in my life. I'm learning by this trial... by the noises of this MRI machine that I'm in right now in the midst of a horrible body-wrenching migraine... that He is good. That my faith is real. I'm seeing right now how my faith is genuine. What a cool glimpse. This faith, this gospel, this belief really DOES stand firm in the midst of the fire. It REALLY WORKS! How cool to get to experience that power.)
...therefore preparing your minds for action ... (well, I'm already mid-battle... but I can still be prepared. This is war. This is a war to trust God vs what I feel. I feel overwhelmed. God says "I am sufficient." I feel discouraged. God says "I'm your hope")
... so that your faith and your hope are in God. (that's the goal. that's the main thing. that's what I'm commanded to keep central. A hope in God - a loving Father and Friend and Comfortor, not a hope in a good result only - though I am praying for a good result)

At this point, the technician pulled me out of the machine and inserted the "contrast liquid" into that ever-so-precarious needle sticking from my vein in my arm. I think that's when the real trial began. As he pushed me back into the tube, I began to get very very nautious. I honestly thought I was going to have to ask him to pull me out so I could throw up. It was bad. I kept swallowing, nervously thinking I was shaking too much and that would only prolong the entire process. "grace made perfect in need... strength in weakness... rich in my poverty... His righteousness imparted to me... His power at work right here right now to sustain... the same power that raised Christ from the dead is working in me right now to do what He's called me to do right here right now" These were cross-centered MRI thoughts that only came as a result of God's grace supernaturally at work in my tension-wracked anxious heart. All praise be to God that He empowered me to somehow swallow and choke back the nausea without having to stop the test.

What a kind "Daddy" I have. I'm grateful. I love Him more as a result than I did this morning. Though I'm discouraged with the test results, I can truly say I'm grateful. He has spared me from a tumor or cancer or other life-threatening situation. He has given me another "square one." Though I'm fearful to start over with no apparent reasons for what's been going on in my body, He won't stop sustaining now. He is good. Though I was praying for a cut and dry answer of "oh, now we understand... this is what is causing the pain... let's go in and fix it and then you'll be okay with no more struggles or pain or anything," He knows that's not what's best. He knows what is wrong in my body and He will sustain me until either the day it is resolved or until the day I die. Either way... either path... either result, He is there. And He will provide just enough light for me to take one more step in faith... and then one more again... and then...

The next step looks like... make it through this weekend... try to research and find out what else could be causing this... "TRUST IN ME"... beg my Physician for a cure... trust in Him even if no cure comes... quit comparing myself to other people's trials and rejoice in the all-sustaining Grace He's providing for me right now where I am in my current weakness. Love and whole-heartedly embrace this current weakness because it points me to Him. Be confused and discouraged as necessary but let that only point me to the throne of Grace where I have been promised (and consistently already shown) help in my time of need.

I can honestly say that I'm okay with "no." I was praying for "yes." I'm discouraged with "no" but I know my God wouldn't have given that answer unless it was the best answer possible from an all-loving, all-knowing Father who pities His children and rejoices in giving good gifts. So, with that in mind, I can be confident that "no" is a good gift. that "yes" would not have been. And that He will continue to support and impart grace as we encounter who knows how many more "yes's" and "no's."

I know that no matter what God is at the bottom of it all. My God is sovereign. That is a comfort. I'm weak and that's what's best. He will, like a flower garden in the spring, continue to unveil more depth to His beauty and greatness as I delve deeper into that garden of His great unsearchable character. He is not limited by a "no" on an MRI. He could heal me today. He could choose never to heal me. But I am confident in this... He will be with me, carrying me each step of the uncertain way. And nothing that I feel, and no tears of unbelief and fear that I cry will change that. He is constant. He is sustaining. That alone is my hope. That is my only source of confidence and my only reason for joy. But that's so much more than enough.

Hope in Waiting

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."

The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.

It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

Lamentations 3:21-26